Bat Out of Hell
by YourRhineStoneEyes
Summary: Finally after over a year of being tortured in the depths of Hell Murdoc has returned, a lot has changed especially in terms of the bassist. 2D only hopes he can save him from himself and his haunted mind. Sequel to His Zombie Boy
1. Chapter 1

2D sat by the gaping hole staring down into it, being around the portal always made him feel uneasy. Sometimes he was scared that something would grab him and drag him down with it. Every day he went there though, he would carefully make his way through what remained of Kong Studios and sit in this spot waiting. He had been doing it for over a year and a half now, he hated that he had moved out. They had to leave though, a few months after Murdoc went to Hell the place started to collapse. 2D's room had caved in during the night nearly crushing the vocalist, after that they had to move out, and go somewhere safer. Russel had found a nice place with enough room for all of them, but 2D couldn't stay. He felt guilty being away from Kong and living with his band mates, Russel had told him after about a year of waiting that maybe he should give up. That maybe Murdoc wouldn't be able to escape and quite possibly he was dead; 2D knew all of this, but he didn't want to come to terms with these potential facts. Instead he had gotten his own place hours away from where Russel and Noodle lived; he still kept in contact with his band mates. They would check on him constantly making sure that he was alright, asking if he was still going to Kong and looking for their missing bassist. They worried for his safety almost as much as his sanity; the vocalist didn't understand why he wouldn't wait. Murdoc had waited for him; he had worked to bring him back to life. 2D owed it to him to at least wait for him to come back; he knew that at the two year mark he would stop though. After two years he would stop waiting for the Satanist to come back.

He remembered the day Murdoc went away; when they had gone back to Kong he had went all through the building looking for the bassist. He knew he wouldn't be there, that he was gone, but there was still some part of him that had hoped he would be there. He knew this was what Murdoc had to have felt like all those years ago when 2D had died, this empty hollowed pain that never went away it only got worse. His migraines had started up again, for the first few months he had cried constantly. While they were still at Kong he would sleep in the bassist room, wear his clothes, and do anything to feel like he was still with him. Once they left he had taken what he could of Murdoc's belongings just in case he did manage to find a way back.

He didn't care what Russel and Noodle told him, how nicely, or how many times they tried to get him to understand he never would. He didn't want to understand, he just wanted Murdoc to come back. One of the things that scared him was that maybe he had tried coming back and 2D had missed him. There were a lot of things that scared and worried him; he didn't even know what to expect if he finally did come back. What he would look like or how he would act, would he even be in his right mind?

2D ran his fingers back through his spiked hair and let out a frustrated sigh. The longer he waited the more horrible places his mind managed to go; he had been sitting here for nearly three hours now. He wasn't sure what time it was, he just knew that he had spent about the entire night here. Sometimes he would go into the Satanist room and stay the night; if Russel or Noodle found out about that they would be pissed.

The blue haired man stood to his feet ready to call it a night. He felt that always present disappointment as he began to turn and walk away; the sound of scratching against the wall of the hole caught his attention and caused him to turn back.

He watched closely waiting for whatever was climbing out. A dirt and blood coated hand reached up the fingers curling grabbing at air; through the dirt he could just barely see green tinged skin. 2D got back down on the ground and wrapped his fingers around the wrist of the man climbing out. The other man wrapped his hand around 2D's wrist long nails digging into his skin as the other person held onto him like their life depended on it. The vocalist pulled as hard as he could moving farther away from the hole; he watched as a figure pulled itself out scrambling onto the cracked black top. 2D fell back onto the ground and watched as the figure moved quickly to the corner of the room. The singer moved onto his hands and knees and crawled closer to the person who was curled up their legs pulled up against them and their face hidden.

2D reached out carefully placing his hand over theirs; they visibly tensed and reached out roughly shoving the vocalist back onto the ground. 2D stared up at the older man who was now looking at him through wide scared brown eyes.

His black hair was long and caked with what looked like blood, his skin was dirty, there was a long deep cut over his left eye going down to the middle of his cheek, a cut through his bottom lip, and a few long marks across his right cheek. 2D moved closer to him making sure not to touch the older man; he kneeled before him looking down at the man he hadn't seen for over a year now. Murdoc stared up at him; he looked so horrified and confused like he was still trying to figure out where he was.

"Mu'doc it's alright, it's me Stuart….Remember?"

The bassist stared at him for awhile the fear leaving his eyes; he wrapped his arms around 2D knocking him back onto the ground again. He buried his face against the singer's chest and began crying hysterically; 2D placed a hand on his back shocked at the feeling of deep wounds in his skin.

"It's a'right yer out now, I got yew." The younger man whispered soothingly.

He gently pushed the green skinned man off of him, Murdoc pulled his legs up against himself as he stared up at the singer.

"Can yew talk?"

The shorter man opened his mouth a few sounds came out mostly whimpers. He closed it again and shook his head looking frustrated at this fact.

"It's okay; yew'll get yer voice back eventually."

He hoped so anyways, 2D was still looking at his torso and all of the scars. He couldn't even believe this was the same person, this was somebody completely different. They were scared, vulnerable, and looked like they had endured more physical pain than anybody could handle in one lifetime.

"Do yew know if yew can walk?"

2D stood to his feet; he held his hand out to the older man. Murdoc stared up at him for a while like he was still figuring things out. He took hold of the blue haired man's hand and unsteadily pulled himself to his feet, he fell against 2D. The younger man wrapped an arm around him holding him up, he guided him out into the car lot and over to Stylo. The car was one of the few things he made sure he did take with him especially knowing how much it meant to Murdoc.

He helped the bassist into the passenger side then got in on the driver's side. He looked over at the older man who sat looking at him, studying him. He turned his head looking out the window back towards the place they had just come from.

"Its okay, it's over now t'ey won' come for yew…I'm going to take yew home and everyfink will be okay, I promise." He said as he started the car up and pulled out of the car lot.

The sky was black; he looked at the digital clock and saw that it was nearly four in the morning. He was right he had spent most of the day in Kong waiting for Murdoc to come back, but this time it wasn't for nothing. He glanced over at the bassist who was looking out the window still; he looked less afraid and more exhausted now. 2D returned his attention to the road feeling relieved when they were over an hour away from Kong. It was a long drive to his house, but it never felt that way especially right now considering how much he had to think over.

He knew that when he got home he needed to look over Murdoc to see if anything was broken and how badly he was hurt. His face alone looked really cut up; the wounds he felt on his back were horrible. He didn't get the chance to check anything else out, he didn't want to honestly. 2D had heard the green skinned man talk about Hell numerous times, it always sounded like something out of Grimm's Fairytale. Some horrible place that had something different for everybody, he knew that whatever they put Murdoc through was enough to tear away whatever personality he had. He wondered if the older man would get better, if he would ever be like he used to be.

It scared him thinking that the bassist would forever be this extremely frightened and abused man who looked ready to run at any second. 2D would take care of him though; he had waited so long to finally get him back there was no way he was ever leaving him alone again. He wished he hadn't left in the first place, he wished that Murdoc had just gone back on his deal with that demon. If 2D had known this was what he would go through he never would have let Murdoc go.

It was so strange when he thought about it. How when he had died he had went to Heaven; he hadn't enjoyed it, but it had been a place where pleasure was possible. Murdoc didn't even die; he was dragged to some horrible place all because he did something to give 2D the life he deserved. He didn't understand how Murdoc deserved that, how he got punished for doing something that really wasn't as selfish as he thought it had been.

Those five years had been so incredible; 2D had never figured life could be like that. He used to think that if Murdoc did ever get with him he would hurt him and make him regret ever saying that he was in love with him. He didn't know that the Satanist would actually love him back, take care of him, and do everything that he could to make up for the way he used to hurt him. The blue haired man had wanted to hate him so much when he finally told him about the rest of the deal. He had done his best to hate him, but all he wanted to do was curl up in his arms and pretend it wasn't true. He spent every moment up until that very last second pretending that Murdoc really wasn't going to Hell, that it was some sick joke. He had never cried so hard in his life when he couldn't find the bassist.

2D pulled into the drive way and turned the engine off. He looked over to see Murdoc curled up in the car seat asleep, he considered waking him up, but thought better of it. He had no idea how long the older man had went without sleep, he also remembered how freaked out he had been earlier when 2D touched him.

He got out of the car and went around opening the door and picked the other man up bridal style. He was surprised at just how light he was, the singer kicked the car door shut and went up to the front door. Murdoc wrapped his arms around the taller man's neck and buried his face against his chest whimpering. The pianist managed to grab his house key out of his pocket and unlock the door pushing it open. He kicked the door shut and made his way back to the bedroom feeling more than grateful that he chose to buy the house with only one floor.

He laid the older man down on the bed prying his arms from around his neck. The bassist opened his eyes and looked up at him; 2D felt chills when he looked into his eyes they looked nothing like they used to. They looked so beautiful peeking out through all of the dirt and the scars. Murdoc grabbed 2D's wrist tugging at it; the pianist tilted his head to the side as he stared down at him confused.

"We're at my place, yew can have my bed. I'll sleep on the couch."

The bassist shook his head and gave another tug at the younger man's wrist.

"Yew sure?"

Murdoc nodded finally releasing his grip on 2D's wrist.

The blue haired man crawled onto the bed lying down next to him. He knew he should look over his wounds and clean him off some, but he knew the older man wouldn't be able to stay awake long enough for him to do that. Murdoc wrapped his arms around himself and closed his eyes, 2D had the strongest urge to touch him, but he was scared to. He was more so scared to hurt him than he was that the bassist would freak out again, he laid there for awhile looking at him. Looking at what cuts he could see through all of the dirt and soot, after awhile he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep wondering if this was just the world's craziest nightmare.


	2. Chapter 2

2D woke up to the sound of whimpering and crying, he looked to see Murdoc thrashing around on the bed his teeth gritted and tears rolling down his dirt covered face. The singer sat up, he placed a hand on the older man's shoulder shaking him. Murdoc's body tensed, he jerked away from the blue haired man and moved into a sitting position his back pressed against the wall and hands on top of his head. 2D reached out to touch him again, to try and calm him down, but the bassist lashed out smacking him across the face his nails digging into 2D's skin. He bit at his bottom lip to keep from making a sound.

"Murdoc it's me, its 2D."

The shorter man opened his eyes and peeked up at him, his body relaxed when he realized where he was, when he noticed the cuts on 2D's cheek he looked worried. He reached out with a shaky hand his fingers just barely touching the younger man's skin. He placed his hand over Murdoc's; the bassist stared up at him and opened his mouth trying to speak again.

"It's okay; yew just had a bad dream that's all." He whispered smiling reassuringly at him.

Murdoc pulled his hand away holding it against himself.

"Do yew mind it when I touch yew?"

The bassist looked at him for a moment; he averted his eyes and shook his head.

2D moved closer; he wrapped his arm around Murdoc's shoulders. The green skinned man leaned his head against him, his fingers tangled in the material of the singer's shirt. Initially his body was tense, but after a moment he started to relax; 2D did his best to not touch the wounds on his body.

"Wot did they do to yew? Don't worry, I'll take care of yew….I need to get yew cleaned up so I can see yer cuts better, make sure yew don't get an infection or somefink."

He pulled away from the older man's grip and got off the bed. 2D took him by the hand and helped him into the bathroom; he noticed that when he walked he would wince in pain. He sat the bassist down on a chair next to the bath tub; 2D kneeled down next to the tub and began filling it with water. He looked over at Murdoc still trying to assess the situation. Some small part of him wondered if this was really happening or if he had finally lost his mind completely and this was some intense hallucination. That he was just imagining Murdoc climbing out of Hell.

The Satanist looked at him, his eyes worried, and scared. He really wished he knew what he had gone through; Murdoc not being able to talk was probably frustrating him almost as much as it did the bassist. He wanted to know what he had been through, what exactly they had done to him for all of that time. He wanted to know how to make it better, how to actually take care of him. He would have to call Russel and tell him what happened, tell him that Murdoc was back, and that he needed help getting him better. He would wait awhile though; give it a week just in case he did manage to get better.

Once the tub was half way full he turned the faucets off and went over to the bassist. He helped him get out of the tattered blue jeans he wore and into the bath tub. The water immediately turned a near black color as the dirt and blood began to wash off of him. 2D ran a wash cloth over his skin doing his best not to hurt him; he couldn't take his eyes off of the cuts decorating his body. His arms weren't as horrible as he had expected; his hands were cut up pretty badly, his chest had a few cuts and burn marks across it. His back looked like it had the worse of the damage; it almost looked like whip marks.

"Wot did they do to yew?" 2D asked his voice soft, it wasn't like he expected an answer.

Murdoc was staring down at the water, he looked ashamed. The blue haired man wanted nothing more than to know what he was thinking or why he looked like 2D would hurt him at any second.

He worked carefully when he washed and combed through the older man's hair. He did his best not to pull at the knots too hard, some of them he had to cut out. Once he was done washing the dirt and blood away he helped him out of the tub and back into the bedroom. 2D grabbed some medicine from under the sink and went back to the bed where the Satanist sat his hands folded in his lap and his head bowed.

"This might hurt some, so sorry." The singer said as he sat on the bed and began cleaning the wounds on his arms.

From what he could tell nothing was infected, some of the cuts were nearly healed, and some were nothing more than fading scars. The ones on his torso seemed the most recent, some were deeper than others, and started bleeding when he went to clean them. He was the most careful when he got to his back, but Murdoc would still wince and make pained sounds when 2D pressed against the marks. He was definitely more than sure they were from a whip, he felt guilty that he had left him down there for so long to go through all of this. If he had known how he would have gone down to Hell and looked for Murdoc and figured a way to get him out instead of waiting and letting him go through all of this pain.

"Sorry, I'm almost done." He muttered when the older man let out a small cry of pain.

2D threw the dirty tissues away and put the bottle back in the cabinet; he filled a glass with water, and handed it to the bassist. Murdoc looked at him for a moment then down at the glass.

"Yew need somefink to drink, I'll get yew food later…Not much though, yew'll probably throw it up."

The shorter man nodded before taking the glass from the taller man and taking a drink from it. 2D sat down next to him; he reached out carefully running his fingers through Murdoc's hair. He expected him to jerk away from him, but he didn't he just sat there letting the singer touch him. 2D ran his fingers down along his arm then pulled away not wanting to risk causing the other man to panic again.

Murdoc sat the empty glass down on the floor and lay back on the bed.

"Does it hurt a lot?"

The Satanist nodded.

"I need to call Russ and tell him t'at yer back, just not sure when I should do it t'ough…Maybe I should just wait until yew get better, like when yew can talk….not really sure wot I can tell him since I don' know too much."

Murdoc looked at him confused; he sat up a look of pain on his face from the movement.

"Oh right….Well after yew left we all moved out, we had to. I didn' want to, I really didn', but…Russel and Noodle got a house a few hours from here. I was supposed to live wit' them but I couldn', I just felt like shit leaving yew an' they wanted me to stop going and looking for yew….So I got this place at least until yew came back and I got fings figured out…It's a 'orrible plan, but it seemed good at t'e time." 2D said shrugging and looking away.

Right now he wished he had his friends with him to help him out. He knew that Murdoc had taken care of him on his own all those years ago, but that was completely different. They were two different and similar situations, 2D knew his band mates would be upset when they found out exactly how much time he had dedicated to going back to Kong and looking for Murdoc. Russel would be annoyed that he waited so long to tell him about the bassist coming back, but he needed some time to get things figured out. He at least wanted to wait for the older man to start talking again so he could know what happened. Just he didn't know how long if ever he would start talking again.

"Yew sure yew can' talk?"

Murdoc tried, he ended up annoyed and looking like he was going to cry after a minute or so. 2D placed a hand on his shoulder and smiled at him.

"It's okay, I don't fink yer mute or anyfink….Yew'll get yer voice back, maybe yer just in shock…For now I just want to know t'at yer physically okay, I would take yew to t'e hospital since I can't do too good of a job looking after yew….Just I don' have anyfink I could tell them."

He could tell him he just found Murdoc like this, that his friend had gotten into a fight. Maybe some people mugged him or something like that, but then they would want him to call the police. They would wonder what kind of fight he was in to get that scratched up and then of course the mental state that he was in, 2D didn't know if Murdoc would be able to handle going to a hospital especially if they wanted to ask him questions about what happened. None of it would work and of course the truth was so far fetched that even 2D was having trouble believing it.

The vocalist got up from the bed and went over to the dresser grabbing out a pair of black sweat pants and a black tank top. He handed them to Murdoc; he looked out the window while the bassist got dressed. He wasn't really sure why he couldn't look at him, it was mostly the scars. It bothered him when he looked at them and started to think over all of the horrible things he had endured in that year and a half.

When he looked back towards the bed the bassist was dressed and sitting with his back against the wall his legs pulled up against himself. 2D was starting to get a good idea on what he had done in Hell when they would go to attack him.

"Yer safe now, yew don' have to hide anymore."

The blue haired man grabbed a note book and pen off of his desk and sat them down on the bed. Murdoc grabbed them and began writing; he couldn't stand not really being able to communicate with the bassist. He would take whatever he could get until he was able to speak again.

The Satanist handed the book back to him.

'What if they come to get me?'

"They won't, yew got out, an' yew used to tell me t'at they don't go after people who manage to escape….Plus if they do t'ey have to get through me."

'Why are you being so nice to me?'

2D looked at him confused by the question.

"Why wouldn' I be?"

'I don't deserve it; they told me that you don't care about me.'

"Yew don't believe that, do yew?"

Murdoc averted his eyes looking embarrassed; he sat the note book down and pulled his legs against himself. 2D reached out running his fingers through his shaggy black hair.

"I've never stopped caring about yew, t'ey lied to yew. If I didn' care t'en I wouldn' have waited all this time for yew, I'm sorry t'at I left Kong. I had to, the place started to collapse, an' I didn' have a choice. I went back a lot though, I took most of yer stuff with me, and I'm going to help yew get better. "

The bassist leaned against his side burying his face in the crook of his neck. 2D held onto him; he laid down pulling the older man against him.

"It'll get better, I'll help yew get better."


	3. Chapter 3

2D sat at the table across from Murdoc, the bassist was staring down at the plate of food in front of him the one that he hadn't touched once in the past ten minutes.

"Yew have to eat, it's been three days."

The other man looked up at him then back down again his bangs falling over his eyes.

"Please…If yew do and yew don't puke I'll give ya one of my pain pills."

After a few seconds the black haired man began eating, 2D smiled. He hated having to bribe him especially with the promise of medications, but it was the only way he could get him to eat. For the three days he had been back he hadn't eaten anything, anytime 2D put food near him he'd shove it away, or just leave the room. He hated how thin Murdoc was, how he could make out his bones through his skin. He knew that the Satanist needed the pain killers too; just they wouldn't stay down long enough to do any good unless he ate something.

The bassist shoved the plate away; at least half of the food on it had been eaten. 2D took the prescription bottle out of his jeans pocket popping the lid off and handing one of the green and white capsules to Murdoc. He took the pill eagerly and sat back in his chair staring up at the vocalist looking somewhat less tense than he had a moment before.

"I shouldn' be getting yew to do stuff cause yew need pain pills…Can yew just start eating wit'out me forcing yew?"

Murdoc opened his mouth to talk then closed it again; he nodded slowly and looked away. 2D noticed how he would avoid meeting his eyes, how he still became tense and uneasy when the blue haired man would touch him or come close to him. The nightmares were still going on, whenever he fell asleep twelve minutes or sometimes if he was lucky an hour later he would begin tossing around on the bed screaming in fear. To say the least neither of them were getting a lot of sleep, he could tell Murdoc felt bad about it. When 2D would give him paper to write down on to tell him how he was feeling or answer questions the older man would ignore it, hand the tablet back to him refusing to answer anything. It was getting to the point where he felt that he really did need to call Russel or Noodle, he needed one of them to come over and help him. If he called Russel then the drummer would be upset with him for going to Kong by himself, risking getting hurt, not telling them that Murdoc was back, and trying to handle this all on his own. He deserved to be chastised, he knew what he did was completely idiotic, but he didn't want to sit there with a million questions while Russel yelled at him.

"Wot do yew fink I should do?" 2D asked glancing up at the green skinned man.

Murdoc stared at him blankly; the singer could tell the pills were beginning to work.

"Never mind….I'm going to call Noodle, she'll know how to help."

2D got up from the table; he went over to Murdoc offering his hand to the Satanist. He helped him to his feet and led him back to the bedroom; the older man lay down on the bed curling up on his side his arms wrapped around his knees. That was how he generally slept; he would pull himself into a fetal position like he was waiting for something to happen to him. 2D stood there for a moment looking at him, the marks on his back, they were looking a little bit better. He turned and left the room after he was sure Murdoc was actually sleeping. He got out his cell phone and dialed in the guitarist number hoping to God she would answer and actually be able to help him with this.

After about the fourth ring he was going to hang up.

"Hello, 2D?" Noodle asked from the other end.

"Y-yeah it's me…Um how are yew?" 2D asked nervously, maybe he shouldn't bring it up at all.

"I'm doing fine, what's wrong?"

He fell silent biting at his bottom lip; he needed to tell her about Murdoc. He couldn't take care of him by himself; he needed somebody who might know how to handle the situation better.

"2D what's going on?" She asked her voice urgent.

"I-I….I found Mu'doc" He whispered closing his eyes.

The line fell silent; he could hear her breathing on the other end.

"What?"

"I found him, I-I went back a few days ago like I usually do, and he came out."

"A few days ago, why didn't you tell us that you found him?" Noodle asked sounding irritated.

"I'm sorry, I didn' know wot to do, I t'ought maybe I could take care of him by myself, but…I need help, just…C-can yew help me?"

"I'm going to tell Russel, we'll both help you."

"No, no do-don' tell Russ yet."

"Why not, it's bad enough that you didn't even tell me this."

2D sat down on the couch and ran his fingers back through his hair.

"F-fine yew can tell Russ, I'm really sorry I jus' I didn' know wot to do."

"How bad is he?" She asked her voice softer now.

2D looked towards the hallway, he sat back sighing heavily.

"Bad, h-he keeps having really violent nightmares, he acts like I'm going to hurt him, an' he's really cut up."

He could feel a dull pain in his head; his migraines had been more frequent lately. He was avoiding taking his medications as much as he could; he was more worried about Murdoc's mental state than he was about his own headaches.

"I'll tell Russel today about Murdoc coming back, tomorrow morning we'll come over, and help you…Has he hurt you?"

"Wot? No of course not." 2D replied feeling almost offended by the question.

"Sorry I had to ask though, sometimes people act violently after they come back from something that traumatizing."

She knew what she was talking about; 2D remembered when she was little and began having her night terrors. When she started recalling parts of her past, the training, and all of those things; when she had come back to Kong after finding out more about herself she had been different at first like she was completely lost and trying to figure out who she was. That was why 2D called her; he knew that she could handle this better than him or Russel.

"It's okay…Sometimes he's violent when I wake him up, kinda like 'ow yew used to be." He said smiling sadly.

"We'll see you tomorrow 2D, just be careful, bye."

"Bye Noods"

He ended the call and sat the phone on the coffee table. About four minutes later he heard crying from back in the bedroom; 2D got up and ran down the hallway to the room where the sounds were coming from. Murdoc was curled up on the floor in the corner of the room his nails digging into his scalp, eyes shut tightly, and body shaking.

The blue haired man took a deep breath letting it out slowly, he knew he would get hurt, but he didn't know anything else to do with these situations.

He got down on his knees and grabbed onto the older man's wrists, Murdoc started kicking at him trying to shove him away. 2D tugged on his wrists trying to get him to look at him, the older man moved his hands away from his head, and placed them against 2D's chest knocking him onto his back. Murdoc climbed on top of him wrapping a hand around his throat squeezing tightly; with the other he punched the singer in the face. 2D closed his eyes tightly, he tried to grab onto the bassist to get him to stop punching him, but he couldn't get a hold on him. Anytime he tried the shorter man would scratch him or squeeze his throat tighter his nails piercing into his skin.

"Sorry" 2D choked out before punching the bassist in the face as hard as he could.

Murdoc released his hold on the younger man and sat back; he opened his eyes and looked down at him completely dazed. His eyes widened and he looked horrified when he saw the bruises and scratches on 2D's face and neck from where he had attacked him. He quickly moved off of the vocalist and went back to his corner curling up, 2D was pretty sure he could hear him muttering actual words for once.

He moved closer to the black haired man, slowly this time. When he was closer he confirmed that Murdoc was actually talking for the first time in three days.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me….I'm sorry, I'm sorry"

"It's okay, c'mon look at me pet…its okay" 2D whispered his voice soothing.

Murdoc lowered his arms and looked up at the singer through tear filled eyes. There was a bruise forming on his cheek from where the younger man had punched him. He wanted to touch him, to hold him, but he knew there were boundaries and rules with these things right now.

"Stuart?" He asked his voice weak, scared.

"Yeah it's me, yer okay. Just another nightmare, t'at's all I shouldn' have scared yew like that."

"W-where am I?"

"At home with me, it's over now yer far away from t'at place."

Murdoc rubbed at his eyes wiping his tears away, he wrapped his arms around his legs pulling them against himself.

"I-I'm never gone from t'ere, t'ey won' leave me alone….They won', please don't let me go back there…I don' want to go back."

2D placed his hand on the bassist cheek waiting to be pushed away again. Murdoc leaned into the touch his body visibly relaxing; he opened his eyes looking up at him. He looked so lost, for a moment 2D was pretty sure he was getting a glimpse into the boy he used to be when his father and brother would beat him.

"Nobody is going to hurt yew anymore, I'm here now, an' I won't let yew go ever again."

"A-are yew mad at me?" Murdoc asked his voice small.

"No, I'm not mad I'm just worried about yew."

"I don' deserve yew worrying 'bout me."

"Wot did t'ey do to yew?"

"P-put me in my place"

2D pulled his hand away, he felt shocked, and physically ill at the words. He sat next to the bassist wrapping an arm around him; Murdoc curled up against his side his head resting against his chest. 2D gently combed his fingers through his black hair wanting to calm him. He wanted to make him alright again, he wanted him to stop crying, and thinking that he was still there. He wondered what kind of lies they told him there, how long it took them to break him down to this point mentally. To the point where he couldn't keep eye contact and didn't understand his worth; 2D just wanted to make it all go away.

"I love yew Murdoc, I love yew so much."

"I-I'm sorry I hurt yew, a-am I losing my mind?"

"No yer just lost, t'at's all….It'll be okay, I'm going to help yew find yer way back."

2D lay down on the floor, Murdoc laying on top of him his fingers tracing along the forming bruises on the singer's neck. 2D rubbed his hand up and down the older man's back attempting to calm him, his body felt more relaxed than it had before, and his breathing wasn't harsh. He could feel tears dripping onto his skin, he closed his eyes and wondered just when things would begin getting better. At least he had his voice back again; he was one step closer to being completely out of Hell.


	4. Chapter 4

"Noodle and Russel will be coming over today; they're going to help me out wit' stuff."

2D combed his fingers through the bassist hair; they were sitting on the pianist bed.

"We missed yew a lot, even Russel missed yew."

He wondered how much they could help with the situation. A lot of it would come down to Murdoc helping himself, realizing that he wasn't in Hell anymore, and that he wouldn't have to go back there ever again. 2D didn't know as much as the older man did about Hell and occult related matters, but he knew that if a demon did come for him he would fight to the death to keep them from taking Murdoc back to that place.

After his fit yesterday the bassist had fallen asleep and spent most of the day that way laying on top of 2D his arms wrapped loosely around him and face in the crook of his neck. Sometimes he'd whimper or his body would jerk in response to a bad dream, but nothing like the other fits he had been having due to his nightmares. Most of the night he had been awake, sometimes talking, usually apologizing like everything that had happened in the past year was somehow his fault; again he had fallen asleep with his arms wrapped around 2D, head on his chest. He would touch the blue haired man, but when 2D went to touch him most times he would still go tense or he would flinch away, he always looked sorry when he did those things like he could see how much it hurt the singer.

2D knew it would be awhile before Murdoc would be comfortable with being touched. He was still in the firm mental and physical habit of expecting abuse, he wasn't used to somebody wanting to just touch him.

Knocking at the door startled the bassist; he pulled away from the blue haired man and curled up hiding his face.

"It's just Noodle and Russel, yer a'right."

Murdoc looked up at him then towards the door.

"I'm going to go answer the door; I'll be back in a few minutes."

The black haired man looked like he was going to say something, but instead averted his eyes. 2D got up and left the room, the moment he opened the door Russel walked in looking aggravated Noodle following a good distance behind him. 2D shut and locked the door behind them; he sat down on the couch, and began fumbling with his fingers nervously.

"I told you to stop going there, you could have gotten hurt." Russel said as he glared down at the singer.

"I-I know, but I didn' get hurt, an-and if I didn' go t'ere then I wouldn't have been t'ere when he got out…he would have been alone or gotten hurt worse o-or….I had to go there, unlike yew guys I wasn' going to give up on 'im."

2D returned the drummer's angered stare, the larger man shook his head.

"I was just worried about you, that's all. You know how dangerous that place started to get after Murdoc disappeared."

"I know, but I'm not going back anymore there isn' any reason to."

"So you really found him?"

"Yeah, right before I was going to leave he climbed out."

"Why didn't you just tell us when it happened, you know that we would have helped you."

"I know t'at jus' I wanted to see how he was first….I t'ought maybe I could help somehow, h-he kind of started talking again."

"Did he do that to you?" Noodle asked looking at the bruises on the older man.

2D touched his hand to the finger prints on his neck.

"Y-yeah it was my fault t'ough, he was having one of 'is nightmares, an' I woke him up…He freaked out, he t'ought I was trying to hurt him so he was defending himself…He apologized t'ough, it really scared him when he saw t'at he was attacking me." He said doing his best to defend the bassist.

Noodle nodded and looked down the hallway towards the bedroom.

"Has he talked any today?"

"N-no, I didn' learn much…He…they really fucked him up." 2D said sighing and running his fingers through his hair.

"Noodle told me he's in really bad shape."

"Yeah…Come on yew guys can see 'im maybe yew coul' help more t'an I can."

He got up and led his band mates back to the bedroom. Murdoc was sitting on the bed staring out the window; he turned his head when the others came in the room. His eyes scanned carefully over his band mates like he was trying to remember them and if they would cause him any harm. 2D went over to him taking hold of his hand smiling at him; Murdoc leaned against his side resting his head on the singer's shoulder.

"Damn, I can't believe….he doesn't even look like himself." Russel said his voice shocked as he looked over the bassist.

"His back looks t'e worse, I fink t'ey whipped him…I'm not sure t'ough, like I said I don' know much of anyfink right now."

Noodle grabbed a chair pulling it close to the bed and sitting down, Murdoc moved closer against 2D. The singer wrapped an arm around him and kissed the top of his head.

"Murdoc it's me Noodle, remember? I'm not going to hurt you; did they hurt you a lot there?" The guitarist asked her voice gentle.

The green skinned man nodded.

"Do you remember us?"

"Y-yeah" He whispered

He pulled away from 2D; he placed his hands on his lap, and just barely looked Noodle in the eye.

"You're safe; they won't be coming back for you."

"Th-they come back in my dreams, that's how they torture me…How they keep me from actually escaping, t-they want me back."

"Those are just nightmares, memories…I'm positive that they aren't coming for you, okay?"

Murdoc stared at her for a moment searching her eyes, he looked away and nodded.

"2D missed you a lot, we all did. When you get better you guys can move in with us, and then we'll all be together again." Noodle said looking over at the vocalist.

2D nodded in reply, he missed being with his family. He wished he had just stayed with them on Wobble Street instead of getting his own place and trying to get through this alone. It would have made things so much easier, but at least now he was getting help with Murdoc. Eventually they could move in with Russel and Noodle then things would go back to normal that was his hope anyways.

"You should keep asking him things, not too much though. He's still in a lot of shock; a hospital would be the best place for him."

"We can't take him to a hospital, they'll fink t'at he's mental."

"You're right, but there isn't a lot the three of us can do. He's been through a lot of trauma, the most we can do is take care of the wounds, and do our best to help him mentally…Mostly you, we'll come by when we can to help you out until the two of you move in with us."

"How long do yew fink it'll be?" 2D asked looking down at the Satanist.

"I don't know 2D, just give it time….we have to go, I'll call you tomorrow to see if everything is going alright."

"Fanks"

2D watched as his other two band mates left the room; a minute later he heard the front door open then go shut.

"At least we have help now, do yew want to talk about anyfink?"

Murdoc shook his head.

The singer looked at the wounds; some of them were starting to heal up. Others still looked fresh; the ones on his back would take the most work. 2D went into the bathroom grabbing out the disinfectant and some cotton balls. He kneeled down behind the bassist and began applying medicine to the long welt like scars.

"T'ey told me t'at yew don-don't really love me, i-is t'at true?" Murdoc asked breaking the silence in the room.

2D closed the bottle and sat it down on the night stand. He sat down next to the bassist and placed a hand on his cheek his fingers lightly brushing against his wounds.

"That isn't true, I love yew, I love yew more t'an anyfink."

"T-they said t'at….That yew only t'ought yew loved me for awhile t'at yew figured I was the best yew could get so y-yew settled…T-t'en when I brought yew back that yew were scared I would h-hurt yew or murder yew so yew pretended to love me because yew were scared to leave me….I-I tried not to believe t'em, I really did."

Tears fell from his eyes as he spoke, 2D brushed them away.

"Look at me"

Murdoc turned looking up at the taller man; he looked so broken it was scary.

"I didn' settle for yew, yer perfect. Yew are so gorgeous, no matter wot yew used to do to me I still loved yew. I was never scared of yew; I never wanted to leave even when yew told me t'at yew had to go to Hell I never wanted to leave yer side. I love yew more t'an anyfink, they lied to yew, that's wot demons do t'ey lie. I promise I'm telling t'e truth."

"I love yew too Stu, I'm tired of being alone."

"Yew aren' alone anymore pet, I'm right here…I will be for a really long time."


	5. Chapter 5

2D sat on the tattered brown couch in the living room, he stared blankly at the small television set not even sure what was on. He had spent most of the morning thinking over things; Murdoc had been back for two weeks now. His night terrors were still occurring; very rarely would he just sleep. Most times he would go to sleep and wake up kicking and screaming moments later, if he took pain killers before hand he would sleep a little while longer. Now he was just scared to sleep at all, he told 2D that when he went to sleep they got to him, made him relive the things that they did to him.

He had called Noodle a few times to ask her about it, ask if there was anything they could do. She told him to just try and give Murdoc some time, maybe get him to realize they were just nightmares that he was physically safe. The best news in the past couple of weeks was that his wounds were starting to heal and fade into scars. For awhile the singer had been worried the ones on his back would become infected, he cleaned them, and dressed them the best that he could manage hoping they wouldn't get too bad. Thankfully everything was getting better just there would be a lot of scars that would never go away, they would always remind the bassist of what happened.

Crashing sounds from the back of the house caught 2D's attention. He jumped up from the couch and ran down the hall towards the bedroom, the room was empty. He heard another crash and a yell coming from the connected bathroom. Inside the bathroom the mirror hanging over the sink was completely shattered; glass was scattered across the white tiled floor along with drops of blood. The wooden chair lay on the floor, two of the legs broken off. 2D looked to see Murdoc kneeling on the glass coated floor his eyes shut tightly and his bloodied fingers knotted in his shaggy black hair.

The younger man cautiously walked into the room and over to the older man. He kneeled down before him slowly reaching a hand out towards him to touch the top of his head. Murdoc's eyes shot open he had the fearful look of a caged animal wanting to fight back against something it thought was going to hurt it. He roughly smacked 2D's hand away; he backed away from the younger man his eyes wide.

"D-don't t-t-ouch me" He mumbled as he moved backwards until his back was pressed against the bath tub.

He pulled his legs up against himself wrapping his arms around his knees. He kept his eyes locked on 2D for a moment longer before looking down at his own blood stained hands.

"Wot's going on, yew know I'm not going to hurt yew."

Murdoc looked back up at him, unsure of whether he believed the singer or not.

"H-How do I k-know that yew aren't lying to me? T-they always…"

He lowered his head and raked his fingers back through his hair as he began mumbling things the younger man couldn't understand.

2D moved closer to him this time not touching the bassist.

"It's me, 2D I'm not going to hurt yew. I've never lied to yew before; I don't plan on it either."

He felt hurt by the way Murdoc was looking at him, how he tensed anytime 2D touched him, or how he didn't believe half of the things he said to him. Noodle told him it was expected, that what Murdoc had gone through could cause him to be confused and not be able to trust people for awhile. That didn't make it hurt any less though; he wondered if that trust would ever come back.

"Y-yew don't love me"

"Wot? Of course I love yew."

"Don't fucking lie to me!" Murdoc screamed before pushing the younger man away from him.

2D fell backwards he could feel shards of glass crunching and digging into his back. He winced in pain and slowly sat back up, the bassist eyed him carefully.

"I'm not lying to yew" The singer muttered.

"Bull shit y-yew don't….Y-yew ca-can't love me, yew can't love t-this."

"Wot are yew talking about?" 2D asked confused.

"I looked in t'e mirror, no-nobody could fucking love this. I look like a mon-monster, I don't even look like a man anymore….I-I'm just a wo-worthless disgusting looking t'ing."

"Mu'doc don't say t'at yew aren't disgusting or worthless and I do love yew."

"Y-yer fucking lying, stop fucking saying that!" The older man screamed angrily as he glared up at the taller man.

"I'm not lying to yew, I'm telling yew t'e truth."

"I-I know I look like Hell, unlike yew I'm not a fucking idiot." The older man shot back angrily.

2D went to place his hand on top of Murdoc's but the Satanist pulled it back then smacked the vocalist as hard as he could across the face knocking him to the floor. The blue haired man groaned he could feel bits of glass cutting into his cheek and his arm, his face stung. A few tears fell from his eyes; he let out a weak cry.

He felt fingers brush against his bruised cheek and looked up to see Murdoc kneeling over him looking worried and horrified by his actions. He wrapped his arms around the younger man pulling him up into a sitting position.

"I-I'm sorry Stuart, I-I didn't…I'm sorry"

2D nodded, he smiled sadly and rested his head against the older man's chest closing his eyes.

"I shouldn't have touched yew, I know yew don't like it."

"T-this is so stupid, why are yew with me?" Murdoc asked pulling the younger man away from him.

"I love yew" 2D whispered sadly

Murdoc shook his head and looked away.

"T-that's such a du-dumb reason to deal with this….I-I'm fucked up why do yew want to take care of me, I know yer scared t-that I'll hit yew….I mean I fucking strangled yew, just put me somewhere…Please I-I don't want to hurt yew."

"Yew took care of me when I came back."

The bassist released his hold on the vocalist and moved away from him again. 2D went over to him taking hold of his hand and looking at it, there were a few small pieces of glass sticking out of his skin. The blue haired man went over to the cabinet grabbing out the tweezers, antibacterial medicine, and bandage wraps. He returned to Murdoc taking hold of his injured hand again, he carefully pulled out each piece doing his best not to really hurt the shorter man. Once the last piece was out he washed the blood off, cleaning the wound, then wrapping it up. He repeated the process with Murdoc's other hand then put the medicine away, he sat down on the other side of the room not looking at the Satanist.

"W-when I first got there they mentally tortured me a lot." Murdoc said his voice weak, 2D just barely looked up not sure if it was safe to truly look at the older man.

"At first I….I didn't really care t-they would just tell me I was ugly, worthless, gay, and t'ings I've heard most my life…N-never bothered me, b-but then they started….Like th-these illusions; they made me go through my childhood…Like watch it and live it."

He went quiet for a moment.

"I-I had…My dad I had to go t-through getting beaten by him again, I-I tried to defend myself, or fight back I couldn't touch him…H-he could touch me t'ough….It hurt so fucking much, it went on for a really long time….Filthy fucking bastard, at one point I-I t'ought I was going to die from him be-beating me wit' that cane of his…I-I en-ended up with a broken arm an-and my ribs were totaled…I just kind of was pissed t'at was all they could do to me."

He heard the bassist laugh bitterly.

"I passed out, t-thought that was the end…I woke up, still alive, bones all healed up, an-and….This time"

2D looked up at him, Murdoc wasn't looking at him he was staring at nothing his eyes blood shot and tear filled. He ran his fingers back through his hair as he relived whatever awful memories were going through his mind.

"I-I had to witness t'e night my mum, step mum left…Sh-she was the closest I ever had to a mum, not like the heartless bitch who gave birth to me an' left me off wit' t-that thing….God I'm just like him…He hit he-her a lot, wh-when he'd come home drunk she'd tell me to go and hide until she said it was safe again…O-one night h-he was looking for me an-and she wouldn't let him get me…He ju-just started beating her…I had to relive it, I had to stand there a-and watch my dad beat the woman I called my mother un-until I t'ought she was dead…I tried stopping him I really did, I tried so fucking hard, but I couldn'…I couldn' do it Stu…I….The demons t'ey told me, told me that w-what happened to her was my fault…T'at my dad beat her because of me, t'at I was…I was…"

His words trailed off and he began sobbing his body shaking, he placed his hands over the top of his head. 2D moved quickly over to him, he didn't even care if Murdoc hit him this time he couldn't stand just sitting there and look at him go through this.

He placed his hand over the older man's, Murdoc's head shot up and he stared up at 2D there wasn't any anger he just looked like the scared boy that he used to be all those years ago. The vocalist hadn't seen this side to him many times, maybe three other times in all of the years he had known the bassist. Times before they started dating, back when he knew better than to bring it up or ask if everything was alright even though he knew that it wasn't. He finally understood that his memories from his childhood were the things that caused him to look this way, that panic, and self hatred.

2D ran his fingers along his cheek, Murdoc lowered his eyes.

"Wot happened wasn't yer fault."

"I-I could have stopped him." He whispered

"Yer dad would have killed yew."

"Good, I deserve to die all I do is hurt people. T-that's all I do isn't it, I drove my birth mum insane before she even gave birth, caused my step mum to get beaten, made my dad do drugs, and then all I've ever done is hurt yew and do t'ings because they benefited me."

2D cupped the older man's face with his hand forcing him to look up.

"Stop it, yew don't deserve to die. Yer dad was a rotten bastard, yer birth mum had mental problems t'at has nofink to do with yew, yer step mum loved yew and she did everyfink to protect yew from him. Yew brought me back to life; yew gave me a great five years before yew went away. I don't care about t'e times yew hit me, yew had a hard life, and yer having a hard time right now. I don't blame yew and I don't want to fucking lose yew again, I just want yew to understand that. Don't let them win, I love yew Mu'doc, and I need yew."

He released his hold on the bassist and moved back.

He felt a hand on his cheek and smiled weakly, he looked into Murdoc's eyes.

"I love yew Stuart; I don't want to hurt yew anymore."

"I love yew too and it isn't yer fault, it'll be okay."

Murdoc leaned his forehead against 2D's.

"Yew don't mind t'e scars?"

"No, they're another part of yew, and I love yew…Yew really are beautiful, yew have no clue."

The Satanist ran his fingers down along the side of 2D's neck; the younger man closed his eyes. He felt warm breath against his face then lips press against his, before he got a chance to react Murdoc pulled away. The singer opened his eyes feeling confused as he looked at the older man.

"S-sorry"

2D placed a hand on the back of the bassist neck pulling him forward kissing him slowly. After a moment the older man responded kissing back, his fingers tangling in the vocalist spiked hair. Those feelings from a year ago returned he had nearly forgotten how good it felt to be kissing Murdoc. How good it felt to have the bassist fingers tangled in his hair, he wondered if this meant that things could get better. He knew this wasn't perfect, but it was something he was just grateful to have the man he loved more than his own life in his arms again as they kissed on the bathroom floor surrounded by debris.


	6. Chapter 6

"They started whipping my back when I tried fighting back."

The two of them were lying on the singer's bed, Murdoc was staring up at the ceiling his head resting on 2D's chest. The younger man was idly playing his black mess of hair while listening to him talk every now and again, sometimes the things he said made no sense, then other times they did. 2D never really pushed for the topic, he felt uncomfortable asking the bassist about the things that happened to him. He knew that when Murdoc wanted to talk about these things he would and sometimes he would be in moods where he would bring a memory up, 2D would listen, and feel that aching in his chest as he thought about what his boyfriend was telling him.

"T'e mental torture got to me a lot, but I tried to get hold of m-myself…Once on-one of them knocked me onto the ground, I-I decided to hit t'e damned thing…Next thing I knew I was on my hands and knees, cla-claws wrapped around my throat and I fe-felt this stinging on my skin…Wh-when I fought back or didn' obey t'em they would do t'at to me…It happened a lot obviously."

2D didn't reply he looked over towards the window watching the rain hit against the glass.

The bed shifted slightly, he felt fingers trace along the bruise on his cheek from where the bassist had smacked him the day before.

"T-this is the first time I've seen rain for a long time."

The blue haired man turned his attention to the bassist whose eyes were focused on the window.

"If it bothers ye-yew too much I'll stop talking about it." Murdoc whispered.

"No, I mean…It bothers me, but yew need to talk about t'ese fings. It's good for yew an' I need to hear it, I wish I had done somefink for yew."

He didn't know how to explain himself; he didn't even know what to say or where to look when Murdoc told him the things that he told him. Part of him needed to hear these things, to understand what the older man went through for well over a year just so 2D could live his life. It made him feel guilty; he had lived all of this time doing nothing while his boyfriend was down in Hades being tortured to the brink of death at a constant rate. He should have been able to do something, he should have went down there, and gotten him out himself. Even if he had to kill himself to get Murdoc out of that place he should have done it, it frustrated him seeing him like this.

"T'ere wasn't anything yew could do." Murdoc said sitting up and looking down at the younger man.

"B-but there had to be somefink, yew did somefink to bring me back, a-and….I should have, I should 'ave done…I could 'ave found a way to get yew out of t'ere, yew shouldn' 'ave went t'rough all of t'at."

He felt frustrated and stupid.

"Stuart it isn't yer fault, I knew w-what was going to happen to me. I-I would still do it again; I don't regret the choice I made to bring y-yew back to life. I ju-just hate t'at yew waited for me, just to get w'atever t'e fuck this is."

"Yew'll get better, Noodle said t'at yew will."

Murdoc leaned back against the wall sighing heavily. He raked his jagged nails over the faded scars on his arms a frustrated look on his face.

"H-how does she even know?"

"She went t'rough somefink similar…Not t'e same, but she can help t'e most."

"Just send me to t'e fu-fucking nut house, yew know t'at will be easier." He spat angrily as he glared over at the taller man.

"We aren' putting yew in t'e asylum."

"Why, t-there isn't anything yew can do for me. Jus' listen to me ramble on like a mad man, watch me h-have fucking psycho bre-break downs, an-and assume t'at I'll get better."

"Mu'doc it's going to take time, yew went through a lot…"

2D placed a hand on the bassist shoulder, he shrugged it off.

"H-how d-do y-y-fuck I can't even talk!"

He buried his face in his hands growling in frustration. The blue haired man wrapped an arm around him, the older man's body tensed but relaxed a few seconds later.

"I-I hate t'is I'm weak, I'm fucking weak. I was ne-never weak I-I'm…God dammit this is fucking pathetic, wh-why can't I just get over it?"

He looked up at 2D; he looked like he was on the verge of crying but doing everything in his power to keep from doing so.

"Yew aren't weak, yer human"

"H-how, do I fucking look normal enough to be human? W-when have I ever been normal enough, I-I'm as fucked up as yew." He said his voice hateful.

He got up from the bed stumbling towards the door.

"I'm gonna go out, ju-just fucking…Ju-just don't fucking follow me."

Murdoc left the room slamming the door shut behind him, 2D considered getting up and following but went over the consequences of that. He knew he shouldn't leave him alone, that something could happen to him, but he was still thinking over what he had said. How hateful his voice sounded, he wondered if there was any truth in the insults he was throwing towards him lately, if Murdoc really couldn't stand him. The thoughts were stupid and self absorbed, he heard the front door slam shut.

2D curled up on the bed resting his head on his arms, he watched the world outside, and the rain hitting against the glass. He would go after him; he would just give it awhile.


	7. Chapter 7

After half an hour of waiting 2D left the house in search of the bass player; he walked outside into the windy cold city streets. He pulled the jacket tighter around his body feeling a slight chill; there was barely anybody out a few cars speeding through the street, and some people moving along quickly trying to get away from the never ending rain. He knew he should have just followed Murdoc, even if the older man ended up punching him he should have stopped him from leaving the house. He wished he could get some grasp on what he was going through, he felt helpless, and useless.

2D made his way down the sidewalk looking down every alleyway and glancing into the window of every café and shop that he passed by. He thought about going into the local pub and checking there, but thought better of it. He used to know Murdoc's habits, the kind of places he would go when he was angry or in one of his darker quiet moods. He thought about one time years ago back when the band had started, not too long after they had gotten Noodle. He had noticed that Murdoc was acting strange, stranger than usual. He avoided his band mates, wouldn't even insult the vocalist he would just stare off then rush out into the car lot when somebody asked him what was up. After about a month of it 2D had finally gained enough courage to break into the bassist room and see what was wrong with him. Murdoc had been sitting on his bed staring off, a wasted cigarette held loosely between his fingers. He never noticed the blue haired man entering his room, not until 2D was sitting next to him on the bed and taking the cigarette butt from his hand. There was no anger, he just stared blankly at the vocalist for awhile, and 2D had felt scared seeing him like that. A minute later he leaned against the younger man, curled up against his side his head resting on his shoulder. Neither of them spoke, not a single word, and they spent the night like that inside of Murdoc's room.

It was a memory that always hung heavy in 2D's mind, he never understood it. To this day the memory still confused him, made him uneasy, but oddly comforted. Right now he felt that way, that confusion like he didn't know the person he was looking for. He knew him, knew his looks, his voice, and some of the things that he would say or do. Just something was different, something was off about him, and it was obviously scaring both of them.

It was trauma, it was depression, and it was confusion they sounded like such simple things when they were just words. 2D hated how doctors could make these very real and painful things that went on with people sound like they were nothing. It was one of the reasons that he didn't want Murdoc to go see a doctor, they would just write off what was going on as symptoms and things that called for pills that could do more harm than good. He didn't want him to go through that, but it wasn't like caring for him by himself was doing much help either.

This was stupid; he should have stopped him before he even left the house. Instead he had to sit there and just let him leave while he thought over the insults Murdoc had been throwing at him along with the small amounts of physical abuse. It wasn't like he blamed him; he knew that he didn't mean any of it that he was just lashing out.

2D ran his fingers back through his wet hair. He stopped walking and leaned back against a wall, he looked around the city noticing how vacant it was. It made him think of the zombie films he used to watch all the time, the ones that used to comfort him. After awhile they made him uneasy and brought up too many disturbing thoughts, he hadn't watched any horror movies since Murdoc went away.

He noticed a few shops closing up early due to the storm, it always stormed, but it still kept people out of the streets most of the time. 2D never minded the gloomy weather, it was one of the things he had in common with Murdoc. They were the only two in their band who would go out during these kinds of days to just walk or go down to a pub near by and hang around.

He moved away from the wall and started walking again; he was feeling nervous. He'd been walking around for over half an hour now and he still hadn't found him. Part of him wondered if he was heading back to Kong, but he knew better than that. He momentarily considered calling Russel and telling him what happened, but he knew the drummer would get angry with him. This was his problem; it was his fault so he had to fix it himself. He really did miss the days where they were all a big family and handled things together; things had changed so much in the past few years.

2D stopped when he spotted a figure sitting outside of a closed shop their head bowed and a lit cigarette held between their fingers. When he got closer to them he noticed the scarred green skin; Murdoc's hair and clothes were drenched from the rain, his body trembling from the cold.

"I've been looking for yew."

Murdoc didn't look at him; he raised the cigarette to his lips taking a long drag, after a moment he blew the smoke out watching as it swirled through the air then disappeared.

"Why?" He asked after a moment.

"I t'ought about chasing after yew when ya left, but I figured yew'd 'it me or somefink."

The older man smirked before taking another drag.

"Probably" He replied simply.

"H-how do yew feel?"

He knew it was a horrible question to ask, he waited for Murdoc to yell at him or smack him in response, but he just continued to sit there staring straight ahead. It reminded him so much of that day years ago, except this time he had a better understanding of his state.

"I took yer pain killers be-before I left, took a few of t'em once I got outside."

"Wot, why?"

"Back hurt, t'ought I'd stop t'inking and stuttering if I took enough….almost fell on my arse half way from yer place"

"How many did yew take?"

Murdoc took one last drag from the cigarette before stubbing it out on the concrete.

"Three I t'ink, don' feel too much…Cold, stomach kinda hurts, an' feel like I'm gonna pass t'e fuck out." He said placing his face in his hands groaning.

2D took his jacket off and wrapped draped it around the bassist shoulders; he sat down next to him. Murdoc turned his head looking up at the younger man from underneath his wet bangs. 2D pushed his hair out of his face fully exposing his face, there was a cut going through his left eyebrow. The singer ran his finger along the mark before pulling away.

"Yew shouln' do t'at, yew might over dose."

"Does it matter?"

Murdoc was still looking at him his brown eyes glassy, vacant.

"Shuddup, yew know it matters."

"I'm sorry 'bout earlier, calling yew fucked up…I didn' mean it"

"I know I'm glad t'at I found yew."

Murdoc laughed and shook his head his bangs falling back in place.

"Why on Earth would yew be 'appy t'at yew found me?"

2D ignored the question; he looked down the street noticing a few people going in and out of some of the still open shops.

"Do yew remember t'at time when yew were….I don' know wot it was, but yew were real quiet it was after we got Noodle in t'e mail. When we'd try to talk to yew, yew'd just get up and leave t'e room. I ended up going out after yew cause I was worried and I went into yer room and yew were just sitting t'ere with a cig an' starin' off real blank…I sat down and yew curled up against me and never said anyfink, just sat t'ere wit' me all night….T'at's how t'is is, I don't know wot's going on or how to help yew get t'rough it…I feel like when I talk to yew t'at I'm making it worse, that yer blocking me out."

They stayed quiet for a few minutes, the only sounds being the falling rain, and cars going by.

"I don' expect yew to understand, I just need yew here. I keep making t'ings h-hard on yew an' I don't mean to. Whe-when I attack yew it scares me cause I t'ink I'm going mad like my dad an-and I don't wanna do t'at."

"Yew aren' like him."

"Are yew kidding, until Hannibal busted my nose up I looked just like t'e bloody bastard." Murdoc said laughing.

"Kills me y'know, knowing I look like 'im. Now I have all t'ese scars an' I have his God damn temper an' his fucking addictions. I end up goin' to Hell, reliving shit I just wanted to fo-forget, an-and I come back more fucked up t'an I was before I left here."

2D looked at him; he was smiling bitterly to himself. The vocalist wrapped an arm around him, Murdoc moved closer to him.

"I hoped yew wouldn' wait for me, especially when I started thinking t'at yew might hate me. I hoped yew would find some nice bloke, not some psycho Satanist who would fuck yew up."

"I'm wit' yew forever, nofink is gonna change that." 2D said giving his shoulder a light squeeze.

"Can yew lie to me for a minute?" Murdoc whispered as he looked up at the younger man.

"Sure pet; I never died, t'at night in the pub when I kissed yew ya kissed back. We went back home and had sex, after t'at we worked fings out, there was never a deal wit' a demon. We've been together for years now, no demons, no guns, and no Hell. It's just t'e two of us lovey, nofink else, an' I love yew so much."

He caressed the bassist cheek looking into his eyes as he talked to him playing out the story they wished was true. He leaned in kissing Murdoc, the older man kissed back without hesitation. There were more people out now that the rain was slowing, he could even feel eyes on them most likely some of them knew who they were, and neither man gave a damn. 2D held his boyfriend closer as the kiss deepened, Murdoc's fingers dug against his shirt pulling him as close as he could. When the kiss ended they were both left panting staring into each others eyes still living in that world, that little lie of theirs they wished was true.


	8. Chapter 8

"How much do yew love me?" Murdoc whispered smiling up at the vocalist.

2D was seated on his lap his arms wrapped around his neck; Murdoc's hands were travelling up the back of his shirt.

"A lot" the blue haired man replied, he leaned down kissing him.

"Enough to put up wi-with my madness?"

"More t'an that"

2D kissed him again; he placed a hand on the back of the older man's neck kissing him deeply. The bassist slid a hand down to his ass squeezing causing the vocalist to give a small moan. Murdoc slipped his tongue into 2D's mouth as he gave another squeeze pulling the taller man closer to him their bodies pressed together.

"N-ne-nearly forgot h-how fu-fucking beautiful yew are." Murdoc said as he stared up at the singer.

2D smiled shyly, he ran his index finger down along the older man's cheek tracing a few of the fading cuts that marred his skin.

"I-I hate t'is s-stuttering, m-makes me feel stupid." He said shaking his head looking frustrated.

"Yew aren't stupid, yew'll get past it…Don't worry 'bout it, I fink it's kind of cute." 2D replied before placing a kiss against the bassist forehead.

"Y-yew find everything about me attractive luv, never su-sure when yer ly-ying or not."

"I never lie to yew."

2D kissed him again running the tip of his tongue along his lower lip before biting down then pulling away.

"I-I used to stutter a-as a kid did yew kno-know t'at?"

The pianist shook his head; he ran his fingers down the older man's bare chest liking the feel of the steady rise and fall.

"R-right don't t'ink I-I ever to-told yew, fu-fucking embarrasses me….I di-did it until I was a-about nine ye-years old so a lot of people don't know outside of my fa-family and a few other people. M-my dad t'ought i-it was weak s-so he be-beat it outta me."

He smiled sadly as he thought over the memory, like it was something bitter but fond for him to think back on.

"He was a prick, nobody should treat their kid t'at way."

He always felt this sorrow when he heard Murdoc talk about his childhood. He wanted to say that pity was another thing he felt towards the Satanist, but he knew better than that. It was one of the things he never took from people, if he even felt in the slightest way that you pitied him he would show you how much he didn't want or need it. 2D always gave him that respect; he would listen, and voice his opinions. Mostly he would just listen, because he knew that's what he wanted the most from somebody. It wasn't like 2D had a normal childhood; he had been bullied at school for his appearance and slow wit, but that was the most of it. He could go home to a loving family that would care for him no matter how he looked or what he did. Murdoc never had that, he never had that safe haven or somebody he could just sit in a room alone with and talk to. Somebody to hug him, listen to him, make him feel like he actually belonged somewhere; he had been turned away by everybody he came into contact with until he met 2D.

"Ju-just 'ow life goes y'know, can't co-control it much…A-at least th-the stuttering stopped."

"I wish I knew yew back t'en."

Murdoc laughed.

"Please if w-we g-grew up in t'e same a-area an' stuff y-yew ne-never would have hung a-around me."

"I would 'ave, I like yew even in a different situation I would still like yew."

Murdoc kissed him passionately; he tangled his fingers in the vocalist hair pulling him closer. 2D kissed back with just as much need, he groaned as the older man's tongue found its way inside of his mouth. He dug his fingers against the bassist scarred skin soft moans escaping his mouth as Murdoc ran his nails down along his back giving the taller man chills. The Satanist broke from the kiss and began kissing and sucking at 2D's neck, his teeth nipped at the skin leaving small marks that he would run the tip of his tongue over.

2D closed his eyes; he felt a hand on his chest fingers playing with his nipples causing them to harden. He could feel familiar sensations going through his body coming over him, things he hadn't felt for over a year now. Before he could lose himself to it the touching stopped; he opened his eyes and looked down at Murdoc frowning and feeling frustrated. The older man smirked, he kissed him quickly.

"Do yew t'ink I-I'll a-ac-actually get b-better?" Murdoc asked his voice soft.

2D nodded, his fingers were still tracing along the scars decorating his chest.

"Wh-why pu-put all yer fai-faith in me, I-I'll only di-disappoint yew in t'e end."

He looked down into the older man's eyes trying to read his emotions, find out what he meant. He was about to question it, but before he could Murdoc reached over grabbing the orange prescription bottle up off of the bed. He popped the cap off and dumped out three of the pills, he put them in his mouth swallowing them.

"Why are yew still taking t'ose?"

Murdoc leaned his head back against the wall staring up at the younger man.

"H-helps wi-with the stutt-stuttering."

He reached up brushing his fingers against 2D's cheek pushing some stray hairs back behind his ear.

"I worry about yew."

"Don't"

Murdoc kissed him deeply before the singer could say anything else to him. 2D went along with it, but in the back of his mind he knew he should question him further, that he should argue him. He couldn't do it though, it had been too long since they had touched, too much time without being this close. He was finally starting to get his boyfriend back and he didn't want to argue over something that was possibly nothing at all.

When the kiss ended he pulled back and looked into the older man's eyes searching for something. He could see the pills were beginning to take their hold and beneath that he could see the fear and the panic, he wondered if these things would ever leave. 2D averted his eyes; he curled up against the bassist resting his head against his chest. He closed his eyes and fell asleep to the steady beating of his heart while Murdoc rubbed his hand soothingly up and down his back.


	9. Chapter 9

One thing that 2D hated was involving his friends in situations he knew he should be able to solve himself. The situation with Murdoc was one of those times; the bassist was getting better, but each time something got better something got worse. It was a constant back and forth struggle and he could tell the older man was having a hard time going through it. He was in the habit of avoiding sleep; he would only sleep if he took some of 2D's pain killers. The times where he wouldn't sleep at all he would drink usually until the point he would just pass out and then an hour later would wake up from another violent dream. In almost two months the blue haired man had noticed a lot of changes, he wasn't sure if any of them were good or if all of them were bad. That's why he was going against his judgment that told him he sounded pathetic and annoying when he asked his friends for help. He felt both relieved and guilty when Noodle answered her phone.

"We haven't heard anything from you for awhile, is everything alright?"

2D took a moment to think over the question, he honestly didn't know the answer.

"I guess so"

"What's wrong?"

"He's gettin' better jus'…He gets worse too sometimes, like t'e nightmares are still goin' on, and he started drinking again….He doesn' freak out when I touch him anymore t'ough a-an other stuff is getting better, bu' I'm still really worried."

Maybe he was just being stupid, Murdoc always used to tell him that he worried too much. That he was neurotic and it was annoying, he always wondered if that was really true. Right now he felt like that was true, Noodle would know better than anybody if 2D was being irrational or not.

"How often does he drink?"

"Jus' when he doesn' wanna sleep which 'as been a lot lately…A couple weeks actually an' then he has really bad night terrors when he does."

"Anything else?"

"Like wot?"

"Anything like drugs?" Noodle asked hesitantly.

2D wanted to be surprised or mildly offended by the question, he wasn't sure why. Murdoc had always had the habit of doing drugs, when the singer came out of his coma he remembered the times the bassist wasn't drunk he was usually hopped up on speed or anything else that he could get his hands on through band mates or close friends. He had spent a good majority of his life doing those types of things, sometimes to get rid of feelings, but most times as far as 2D could tell he just did them for the hell of it. After the vocalist resurrection though he had stopped, he had come close to quitting most of his habits once 2D had come back.

"I didn't mean to upset you, I just have to ask."

The blue haired man shook his head.

"No I'm not upset just…No, h-he's not doing anyfink"

He considered telling her about the pain killers, but he didn't. He couldn't see where they were a big deal; he just hoped that the bassist would stop taking them when he realized he didn't actually need them. They were just another thing that he would go through and get over, that was what 2D kept telling himself anyways.

"That's good, the nightmares will happen for a long time."

"I know, yew still have t'em too don' yew?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line.

"Yeah I still have them, not quite as often though now that I'm older."

"Do yew really fink t'at he'll get better?" 2D asked; he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

"He'll get better just give it time Toochi."

"I'm just really worried 'bout him, like when he gets into his moods where he doesn' wanna talk to me. Like when he's pissed at me or somefink…Jus' I don't know wot to do or 'ow to help an' I feel like I'm makin' it worse a lot of times….I wish we coul' get somebody else to help."

"Like a therapist?"

He thought over it, he hated the idea. He didn't want some total stranger talking to Murdoc, especially knowing how doctors generally talked to their patients. The way they talked down to people, made them feel insecure, and insane. It wouldn't do any good; they would just deem him insane for the cause of his trauma. A doctor would never believe somebody who goes into their offices saying that they were in hell for over a year.

"No, no therapist"

"Why not, w'at I-I'm fuckin' crazy anyways might as well send me to one."

2D opened his eyes and looked up to see Murdoc leaning against the wall glaring at him.

"Shit, Noodle I gotta go. I-I'll call yew later"

Before the guitarist could object he ended the call and dropped the phone on the couch.

"We aren' sending yew anywhere."

Murdoc smirked and ran his fingers back through his hair. 2D got up from the couch and walked up to the older man, he could smell alcohol as he got closer.

"Right, right yer plan is to jus' call Noodle and Russel so yew can all go off and talk about how fucked up I am. T'at's t'e plan right, jus' fucking talk about me behind my back? Say 'ow worried yew all are 'bout me cause I'm not magically fucking cured."

The younger man stepped back a bit; the bassist moved towards him that predatory look in his brown eyes.

"T'at isn' it at all, I-I just t'ought that Noodle could help."

"How in fucking hell could she help me?" Murdoc yelled angrily, he grabbed 2D's arm tightly digging his nails into his skin causing the blue haired man to wince in pain.

"Sh-she went t'rough somefink similar so, so I figured t'at maybe she…"

The bassist slammed him back against the wall, 2D groaned in pain.

"Right she might know w'at to do cause she totally knows w'at I went t'rough. She knows nothing, she doesn't know a fucking thing she's as clueless as yew are. None of yew fucking understand w'at I went through, what I'm going through. I don't want any of yew pretending t'at yew have a single God damn clue."

He released his grip on the blue haired man and stepped back.

"I just…"

"Don't…Jus' leave me t'e fuck alone, got it? I don'…I don' fucking need yew idiots pretending t'at yew understand. T'inking that yew all know the answer or t'at there even is a fucking answer, I'm going…I'm going out for awhile, I'll be back whenever…Just do me a favor and don' fucking talk to me or come near me."

2D watched as the bassist turned and left slamming the door shut behind him. He slid down to the floor pulling his legs up against himself and burying his face in his hands as he began to cry. For a moment he considered calling Noodle again and telling her what happened, but the idea was quickly shoved to the side. He was through involving his friends in this; this was something between him and Murdoc. In the end that's how things had always been ever since the day they met each other; just the two of them.

His arm hurt from where the older man had grabbed him, he wondered how long he would be gone. He knew not to go after him, he knew by the threatening look in his eyes not to follow. He would just wait until he came back; he knew that Murdoc was right. It was so stupid and pointless for them to pretend that they understood what he was going through, they didn't understand at all. Noodle had her traumas, but they were memories and at that they were more so like pictures painted in her mind. They weren't things she could vividly remember like Murdoc could, the things he went through were things that he relived constantly.

It was stupid to think that any of them could help, maybe there really wasn't help. None that was available to them anyways, most people could seek help of some kind. It was just another thing that isolated them from normality; 2D wished he could do something. Right now all he could do was wait for Murdoc to come back home, hopefully he wouldn't be gone long. Most likely he went to a pub to drink more or he was in an alleyway somewhere smoking and trying to calm himself down some.

2D got up from the floor and went back to his bedroom. He lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling; he spotted a spider web in the corner and began watching it. He felt exhausted, but he couldn't get himself to sleep the only thing he could do was think and worry. He would let his mind go over these past years, over his life in general, and almost feel like laughing at the intense insanity that it consisted of. He wasn't normal, his life wasn't normal, and everything else involved was completely out of that realm. Sometimes he was just fine with this; hell most times he didn't even notice all of the abnormalities that surrounded him. Times like right now though it made his head spin when he thought about it, he would wonder if this was all a dream. If his life was nothing but a strange dream, none of it real he wondered if he would hate waking up. He felt a pain in his chest at the thought, the thought of this all being a dream. Even through losing two eyes, finding out his first real girlfriend never loved him, the fact Murdoc had spent years abusing him, the fact he had died, and the fact that the man who once caused him so much pain was now the love of his life 2D still wanted his life. He could never regret anything or wish that it was just a dream or some psychotic delusion; he wished that he had never died and that Murdoc had never gone to hell. Everything else though he was fine with, he wondered if eventually they would have just started dating. If the bassist could have ever gotten past his insecurities and his fears and felt something for 2D or maybe this was the only way things could work between them.

2D rubbed his hands over his face and listened closely to the sounds outside. Light would flood his room every now and again from the headlights of a passing car. He wondered how long until Murdoc would come back home, he hoped it wouldn't be too long. He always felt strange when he was gone, like some massive part of him was gone. It scared him how much he relied on the Satanist and anymore how much Murdoc relied on him.


	10. Chapter 10

The clock on the dresser read that it was nearly four in the morning, 2D looked towards the bedroom door wondering when Murdoc would come back. Hell he wondered if he would even come back at all, he looked at the small finger shaped bruises on his arm from where the bassist had grabbed him. He knew this was his fault; this was a situation that he knew nothing about. He wanted to help, but he didn't know how and for the most part he just made things worse some of the time especially lately. Murdoc spent most of his times drinking until he could barely remember what had happened in that year and a half or he would do so many pills that he couldn't even stand up or give a damn about what had happened. 2D didn't know what to do; his first instinct was to get somebody else to help him. To call Noodle again and tell her that he really needed her help and tell her about the pills, but it wouldn't do any good. He would handle things on his own, right now all he could do was lie in bed and worry waiting for the older man to return.

He heard the front door open then slam shut, he sat up ready to go and talk to the bassist, but stopped himself. 2D lay back down; he sighed heavily and listened to Murdoc stumble through the house. He had been a bit drunk when he had left and from the sounds of it he was completely there by now. 2D wondered if he had left the pub on his own free will or if they had forced him out, he worried that something bad would happen to him. That with his aggression maybe he would lash out at the wrong person and unlike 2D they wouldn't just take his tantrums, they would hurt him. He thought about all those years ago at the pub, the night he had died. The man that Murdoc had gotten in a fight with, the one that was seconds away from shooting him in the head, the memory made the vocalist heart beat faster. He ran his hands over his face and shook his head trying to rid the images from his mind; it was funny how that night had worked.

He had never expected to tell Murdoc that he loved him, never expected to kiss him, but he had expected his reaction. It still had hurt though, being turned away and insulted like that especially somewhere public. He knew what a risk it was to do that, especially with other people around who could have ruined the bassist reputation by taking a photo or recording it on a camera. 2D never thought about those things, he just wanted the pain in his head to go away and he knew telling Murdoc that he loved him would do just that. He never thought it'd lead to some homophobic asshole confronting the Satanist then cornering him in an alleyway ready to murder him over it. It still was amusing in the saddest of ways to the blue haired singer how without a doubt he risked his own life to save a man who just minutes before announced how much he hated him. There was no hesitation or thought he just acted and it had gotten him killed, he had never expected Murdoc to cry over his death. He never expected it to tear him apart from the inside, never expected to be brought back to life. Sometimes like now he would just lay there and think over it, he wondered if he was really even alive. Maybe he was living his idea of Heaven, but he knew better than that…His idea of Heaven would look like this, he wouldn't be living hours away from his friends, and he wouldn't be spending most of his time worrying about Murdoc's mental and physical state.

2D sat up and leaned back against the wall; he stretched his legs out and groaned. His body was getting sore and he felt restless, he considered going out himself and just walking around. He wondered where Murdoc was; most likely he was passed out on the kitchen table or somewhere in the living room. Once or twice he had found the bassist sleeping on the table in the kitchen, the last time that he had he had rolled off and fallen on the floor jolting himself awake. 2D smiled to himself when he thought about it, how freaked out and confused he had looked when he woke up, and how annoyed he was when 2D laughed at him for falling off the table. It was so weird how there were these little and simple good moments hidden beneath so much bad. Sometimes he thought he was over reacting, that things would get better, and that maybe they were. He knew his mind could be quite negative at times, that he would doubt himself completely, and sometimes those around him. He hated doubting Murdoc, but the alcohol and the pills worried him. The night terrors and violent out breaks worried him as well, but they were becoming the normal thing for the both of them and usually the Satanist would catch himself in the beginning of one of his angered moods. He would tell 2D to leave the room or he would simply turn and leave the house so he wouldn't physically harm the vocalist. He knew how much Murdoc hated to hurt him, how anytime he slipped and called him a name or punched him that it made his depression worse. He took the violence as a sign that he was losing it, becoming his father even when 2D tried to tell him that wasn't it he never listened. The singer wondered just how much time in Hell they dedicated to making him relive his childhood, most people who knew the bassist knew that was the root of a lot of his problems.

Sometimes way back in the beginning when the band had just started when Murdoc would just sit and talk to him the things he would tell 2D about his childhood were terrifying. He would always play it off so casually, like everybody went through what he did. The singer strayed from talking about his parents, because he knew it frustrated the older man. He wished that he could have had a nice childhood, people who loved him, but Murdoc always felt he was just born to go through Hell like he deserved the things that happened to him. Especially now; the demons had firmly implanted it inside of his mind that he deserved every horrible thing that occurred in his life, that he wasn't good enough for anything.

Loud thudding sounds echoed through the house making the lanky singer jump. The thuds were followed by strangled screams and a voice yelling things he couldn't understand. 2D got up from the bed and ran out of the room and down the hallway; he nearly passed an open door to a room he had completely forgotten about. The house had an extra room, but there had never been a reason to use it so he had completely forgotten of its existence until right now. 2D went into the room to see Murdoc on the floor tossing around his eyes shut, his fingers tugging at his messed hair. He went over to the older man and kneeled down next to him; he grabbed him by his shoulders and pulled him upwards shaking him hoping to wake him out of the nightmare that had such a tight hold over him. He noticed the tears staining his cheeks, his left eye was bruised, and there were scratch marks on his face.

"Wake up, c'mon Mudz wake up."

The bassist body tensed up, he pulled his legs up against himself then kicked his feet out hitting the vocalist in the stomach knocking him backwards. 2D fell to the floor his head knocking hard against the wooden surface; he let out a low groan. He got back up and moved over to the older man who was now standing his eyes open as he glared down at the singer.

"It's just me"

"I fucking know t'at." Murdoc replied angrily.

2D moved closer to him, the bassist backed up until he was pressed back against the wall his eyes scanning over the younger man.

"Are yew okay?"

"W'at the fuck do yew think do I seem okay to yew?"

The younger man averted his eyes, fingers knotted in the front of his shirt pulling him forward.

"S-sorry" 2D mumbled feeling nervous.

"Whatever, I t'ought I told yew to stay away from me, or are yew too fucking brain dead to understand a simple request?"

He avoided the Satanist eyes; he could hear the hatred in his words. He wondered if Murdoc was still drunk, even without the alcohol he knew how bad his temper could be. 2D tried to pull away, but the other man only tightened his grip.

"Y-yew were having a nightmare"

"So I always 'ave fucking nightmares, w'at trying to save me?" Murdoc asked his voice mocking; he laughed and shoved 2D away from him.

The blue haired man stumbled backwards nearly falling off balance.

"I don' like seein' yew like t'at, it scares me." 2D said his voice soft; he still refused to look at him.

He was beginning to regret even going in there, he should have just let him go the nightmares usually lasted hours before Murdoc would wake up. 2D couldn't just sit and listen to him go through that, listen to the crying, and the begging. He worked on instinct wanting to protect a man who would only get angry at him for his actions just like he had protected him and died for him over six years ago.

"Right, whatever just get t'e fuck out of my room."

2D met the older man's eyes feeling confused by his words, Murdoc noticed the confusion and attempted a smile.

"Wot?"

"T'is is where I go when I want to get away from yew, a'right? I don' fucking need yew bothering me, t'inking that yew could have saved me. Yew can't fucking save me, there isn't anything to save how many times do I 'ave to tell yew t'at before ya get it into that empty dullard head of yers?"

"Stop insulting me like t'at I was just trying to help yew." 2D said feeling frustrated.

He saw the anger flicker across the bassist face; he stalked towards the taller man. He wrapped a hand firmly around 2D's throat, he shoved the singer back against the wall pinning him there. 2D's body locked up as he stared at the man holding him, the threatening look in his eyes. He was definitely drunk, but there was something else there too that in another situation he would have questioned but right now he was too scared to say a word.

"I'll stop insulting yew when yew stop acting like such a worthless little twat."

"F-fuck off" The blue haired man muttered, he regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth.

Rage filled Murdoc's eyes, the pianist closed his eyes tightly, and a second later he felt a fist colliding with his face. The grip on his throat tightened to the point he felt himself beginning to choke and struggle to breathe, Murdoc dropped him to the ground and grabbed him by the hair dragging him away from the wall. 2D opened his eyes and turned onto his side trying to stand up, but Murdoc gave him a hard kick to the stomach knocking him onto the ground again. He got kicked 2D onto his back and climbed on top of the vocalist straddling him, he grabbed the front of his shirt with one hand, and the other began punching him in the face.

"Don't fucking talk to me like t'at yew brain dead fucking….Why do yew care, huh? Why t'e fuck do yew keep bugging me and t'inking that yew can save me, make me better? Do yew want to fucking help me now, do yew? Yer so god damn stupid yew don't know a mother fucking thing, brain dead little dullard."

The sound of Murdoc's voice began fading as the blue haired man starting going in and out of consciousness.

"I'm not fucking worth it, I'm not worth anything just understand t'at dammit!"

The hits stopped, 2D lay limply on the floor he could feel blood running down his face he wondered where exactly it was coming from. He opened one eye and looked to see Murdoc still on top of him his face pressed against his chest and fingers knotted in his shirt as he sobbed.

"I-I'm sorry, G-God I-I'm s-so sorry" He whispered all traces of anger gone from his voice.

2D placed a hand on the back of the bassist head his fingers combing through his hair. Murdoc looked up at him his eyes blood shot and tear filled, he looked horrified.

"I'm sorry"

The vocalist gave a short nod, he wanted to speak, but his head and throat were sore. The Satanist ran a finger along 2D's cheek lightly caressing his damaged skin.

"I-I told y-yew t-to stay away from me."

2D let him talk, the frightened tone to his voice made him feel bad. He knew by all right he should be scared himself or pissed off, but he couldn't do it. He knew that Murdoc didn't have control over these things; in the past before all of this if the Satanist had beaten him like this it would have been completely different. This wasn't like those times though, this was a completely different realm for the both of them. He wanted to soothe him, to tell him that everything was alright, but his throat hurt, his head was throbbing, and he was too physically exhausted from the lack of sleep to manage anything other than petting the bassist head.


	11. Chapter 11

Nearly every part of his body hurt, 2D opened his eyes, and pulled himself into a sitting position. He looked around the vacated room that he was currently in; it took him a moment to replay the morning's events over in his mind. He spotted one of his pill bottles on the floor, there were still two capsules left inside of it. He grabbed the bottle, popped the lid off, and emptied it of its contents placing the pills inside of his mouth and swallowing them. He tossed the now empty container across the floor, it hit against the wall then landed on the floor rolling around for a bit then coming to a complete stop. The blue haired man ran his fingers back through his hair; he felt a shiver go through him due to the throbbing in his head.

He thought over the events that took place, how pissed off and inebriated Murdoc had been. He knew he should have just left him alone, but he had been telling the truth when he said that he couldn't just let him go with his nightmares. They sounded so painful, he remembered the scratches and the bruise on his face, and wondered if he had hurt himself during his nightmare or if he really had gotten in a fight while he had been out.

2D sat on the hard wood floor for awhile waiting for the pills to kick in. He wondered how many bottles he had left, he had a few hidden under his mattress, and hoped that Murdoc hadn't found them.

He still felt confused by what had happened, the things the bassist had been saying to him. Murdoc hadn't hurt him on purpose for a long time; 2D didn't want to think that he meant it though. He wanted to think it was because of the alcohol or whatever was coursing through his system, he hoped it had only been alcohol. He knew he should go find him, most likely he was still home, but there was a small amount of fear in the vocalist. He hated himself for actually feeling even remotely afraid of the Satanist; there wasn't any real reason to. He never meant to hurt him, he did these things without wanting to, 2D knew that, but he still couldn't help feeling uneasy.

2D sat there for half an hour, the pain in his body began to fade away going down to a level that he could easily tolerate. He pulled himself to his feet holding onto the wall for support, he stumbled out of the room and into the hallway. He glanced towards his bedroom, from what he could tell it was empty. He continued down the hall going into the living room, he stopped at the entrance when he saw Murdoc sitting on the couch a cigarette in hand and his head bowed. The blue haired man watched him for a few seconds before going and sitting down next to him on the couch.

"W'at are yew doing in 'ere?" Murdoc asked his voice distant as he continued staring down at the floor.

"Are yew okay?"

"Why do yew keep asking me t'at?"

He looked up at the blue haired man his eyes sad as he looked over the bruises and cuts on his face from where he had attacked him earlier. He reached a hand up going to touch the vocalist face, but pulled away and averted his eyes. He took a drag from his cigarette then stubbed it out in the ash tray that sat on the coffee table.

"I should be asking yew t'at." He mumbled running his fingers through his hair.

"Where did yew go yesterday?" 2D asked not wanting to talk about what had happened.

Murdoc smirked and looked towards the younger man for a moment.

"I went drinking and then I came back here."

2D could tell that he was leaving something out; sometimes the bassist attitude annoyed him. How he would just shut him out like that, keep him out of things like it was nothing he needed to know. He missed the days when things were simpler or at least they had seemed simple.

"Yew got into a fight didn't yew?"

Murdoc looked at him, 2D studied his appearance noticing that not only did he had a blackened eye he also had a bruise on his cheek along with the scratches. The vocalist ran his fingers over the marks on his skin only to have his hand smacked away; Murdoc shook his head and scooted away from the blue haired man wrapping his arms around himself.

"Yeah I-I got into a fight, s-some arsehole called me a queer."

"Yew could 'ave gotten really hurt wot if he cornered yew outside or somefink an-"

"Shot me?" Murdoc asked laughing dryly.

2D felt his heart constrict in his chest and the sudden urge to cry coming over him. He got up from the couch and went back to his bedroom slamming the door shut behind him; he sat down on the bed burying his face in his hands. Why was he so upset, Hell why wouldn't he be upset it was almost like everything was finally coming to him. Like he was finally realizing how chaotic these years had been, his mind kept flashing back to the images of that man pointing the gun to Murdoc's head. He could almost feel the sickened fear all over again as he thought about it, maybe it was just the pills making him feel this way. Tears fell from his eyes as everything ran through his mind, it was all too much to think about to realize it had happened.

He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and his body tensed.

"Stu?"

2D lowered his hands; Murdoc was kneeling on the floor before him looking at him with worry. He ran his fingers over the vocalist tear stained skin, 2D felt his body tremble as more tears fell from his eyes.

"I'm sorry Stu, I really am." The bassist whispered as he continued wiping away the blue haired man's tears.

2D leaned forward wrapping his arms around the older man's neck, Murdoc stood up wrapping his arms around the pianist waist picking him up. He sat down on the bed with 2D on his lap his face buried against his chest as he continued to cry, Murdoc held him close.

"It's okay, i-it's okay….Stu I-I need to talk to yew."

2D pulled back and rubbed at his eyes trying to get himself to stop crying.

"Wot about?" He asked.

"I…I-I t'ink that, no I know that I need to move out, and get m-my own place to live. I-I can't…I ca-can't do t'is t-to yew any-anymore, I can't."

"Wot are yew talking about?" 2D asked, he felt panic rising inside of him.

Murdoc touched the bruises on the pianist neck and 2D knew what he meant.

"B-but yew only do t'at w-when yew have a nightmare o-or"

"When I'm completely piss drunk an-and having so-some fucking fi-fit." The bassist said sounding angry with himself.

"Yew can't move out." 2D said shaking his head.

"I need to, i-it's not…I'm not going to d-do t'is to yew, I know I'm no-not getting better, a-and yew kn-know it too."

"No, yew are not leaving." The younger man said his voice breaking as tears began falling from his eyes again.

"I-I can't do t-this, any of this….E-every ti-time yew look at me y-yew either look wo-worried or scared. Jesus I b-beat yew up t-this morning, I to-told yew t'at this is a wa-waste of time….I sho-should have ju-just stayed in Hell."

"N-no Mu'doc please, yew can't leave me." 2D begged his voice desperate, scared.

"How is t'is any better?" The older man snapped as he glared down at the vocalist.

"Where would yew even go?"

"F-fuck if I know, fi-find an alley or a-abandoned house…I-I just need a-away from yew b-before…I know t'at i-in some way I-I'm going to hurt yew an-and yer gonna realize how wo-worthless I am."

"Yew aren't leaving"

"Stop telling me t'at, I have to"

2D placed a hand on the back of the bassist head and the other on his cheek. He kissed Murdoc before he could say anything else, the older man pushed against his chest trying to get him to stop, but he refused to move. It didn't take long before he was kissing the singer back, his hands travelled up under the back of his shirt as he pulled the younger man's body closer to his own. The kiss was passionate, 2D pushed his tongue into the bassist mouth he could faintly taste alcohol.

"I-I have to"

"No yew don't"

He kissed him again biting at his lower lip, Murdoc moaned. 2D moved his hands up under his shirt his fingers going over his nipples eliciting another low moan from his partner. He broke from the kiss and moved down to his neck kissing and biting at the skin, he felt Murdoc's nails digging into him as he bit down hard into his neck.

"Please" The older man begged.

2D ran his tongue along his neck before pulling back; he grabbed the hem of the bassist shirt tugging it upwards. Murdoc removed it the rest of the way tossing it across the room; the blue haired man began kissing down along his chest his tongue flicking back and forth over his left nipple before taking it into his mouth sucking. Fingers tangled in his hair, the older man moaned as he worked his tongue over the nub. He pulled back and ran his tongue down along the bassist body tracing each faded scar; 2D sat back and removed his own shirt dropping it to the floor. He pushed Murdoc onto his back; he sat upon his lap straddling him. The Satanist hands ran up his torso his eyes going over every inch of his body, 2D ground himself down against him, he could feel the older man's clothed erection pressing against his ass. He leaned down kissing him roughly; he knotted his fingers in his hair jerking his head back.

"Please stop, I-I…I-I can't stay" He whispered sounding less sure than he had before, the words weren't believable but they still scared the singer.

He kissed him again ignoring the plea; he gripped the older man's hips pulling him up against him. 2D broke from the kiss; he trailed his tongue down the middle of Murdoc's neck to his chest down to his stomach. He sat back on his knees and looked over the man before him; his eyes were focused on the pianist. 2D placed his hand over the bulge in the crotch of his jeans rubbing and giving a light squeeze making Murdoc's body jerk in response, he bucked his hips trying to get more contact. 2D continued rubbing as he watched his boyfriend writhe under his touch, he leaned his head back against the bed moaning loudly running his fingers back through his hair as he continued thrusting against the singer's hand.

2D made quick work of unfastening the Satanist pants and pulling them off of him. He did the same with his own jeans kicking them to the floor; he wrapped his fingers around the older man's erection stroking him slowly. He placed a hand on Murdoc's hip digging his nails into his skin, the green skinned man raised his head looking at the vocalist. 2D gave a small smile as he flicked the tip of his tongue back and forth over the head of the bassist cock; he took the head in his mouth sucking lightly while his hand worked the rest of his shaft. He swirled his tongue around him as he took more into his mouth sucking harder, Murdoc moaned loudly as he tried to thrust his hips wanting the younger man to take in more of him. 2D pulled back completely and smiled down at the frustrated bassist.

He reached over towards the night stand pulling the drawer open; he searched around for a bit until he found the small bottle he was looking for. He sat back and popped the cap off of the bottle pouring the liquid into the palm of his hand coating his fingers then his own erection. He pushed the older man's legs apart settling between them, he pushed a finger inside of the bassist moving slowly careful not to hurt him. 2D added a second finger moving them around inside of him; he pulled out then pushed them back inside stretching him. He leaned down kissing along Murdoc's stomach trying to take his focus away from the discomfort; he pulled his fingers half way out then pushed back in this time the man under him moaned loudly. 2D placed a kiss against his stomach before pulling back; he thrust his fingers in again hitting the same spot with each thrust. Murdoc curled his fingers against the sheets on the bed; his eyes closed tightly, 2D pulled his fingers out leaving the bassist empty.

The blue haired singer tangled his fingers in the other man's black hair pulling his head back. Murdoc opened his eyes staring up at him; he could see the need in his eyes.

"I-I need yew Stu."

2D kissed him deeply; he slowly pushed inside of him. The older man's legs wrapped firmly around his back guiding him inside, once he was half way inside he stopped and pulled back noticing the look of pain on Murdoc's face. He combed his fingers back through his hair and pressed his lips against his forehead.

"Its okay jus' relax luv, it'll stop hurting I promise." He whispered comfortingly as he continued stroking his fingers through Murdoc's hair.

The bassist nodded and let out a shaky breath, 2D kissed him slowly. He pulled out then slowly pushed back in, Murdoc's body tensed. The blue haired man kissed along his neck, his fingers rubbed reassuringly up and down along his side. The Satanist body relaxed, the vocalist pulled half way out then pushed back in, he repeated the action this time the man under him moaned and bucked his hips. 2D smiled against his skin before nipping at his neck, he gripped tightly to Murdoc's hip as he pulled out. He thrust back in harder this time the tip of his dick hitting against his prostate drawing another loud moan from the musician under him. 2D kissed him roughly; he took hold of the older man's hand their fingers intertwining. He thrust into him harder; the green skinned man began moving in time with each of his thrust matching his rhythm.

"F-fuck h-ha-harder"

2D pulled out then slammed back in, Murdoc threw his head back crying out the vocalist name. He kissed and bit along his neck his tongue travelling over his sweat covered skin, the bassist nails dug into his shoulder blade. 2D put a hand between their bodies taking hold of the older man's cock; he began stroking him in time with his thrusts.

He felt his stomach tightening as he grew closer to coming, he kissed Murdoc hungrily. His hand worked him faster as he drew closer to the edge; he felt the older man's body tighten around his cock as he reached his climax coming into the vocalist hand and onto his stomach. 2D thrust into him a few more times before coming inside of him, he leaned his forehead against the bassist chest moaning and his body shaking as he came. He pulled out of the Satanist and lay down on the bed his breathing heavy and labored, he let himself go with the relaxed feeling coursing through out his body. He turned his head to look at Murdoc; the bassist was lying on his side facing him. He reached out lightly running his fingers along 2D's bruised cheek; the blue haired man took hold of his hand kissing the top of it.

"I don't care wot yew do or say to me, I love yew. I've never been in love wit' somebody like I am wit' yew, maybe it is cause I'm stupid, but I don' wanna lose yew. I lost yew once and it was torture, I got yew back, and I never plan on letting yew go again. Yew mean t'e world to me Mudz, I can't even fink of…I don't know wot I would even do wit'out yew with me, I know yew don't fink so but I need yew. Everyfink will be okay, I forgive yew for t'is morning…Yew didn' mean to, I missed yew."

Murdoc smiled sadly, he pulled the blue haired man close to him and kissed him gently.

"I missed yew too, just t'e two of us, right?"

"Just t'e two of us."

The bassist buried his face against 2D's chest.

"I'm sorry t'at I made yew cry a-and t-t'at I hi-hit yew."

"I forgive yew, I'll always forgive yew…Just promise yew won't leave me."

"I-I pro-promise"

2D kissed the top of his head; he closed his eyes and sighed feeling content for the first time in awhile. There were so many things wrong and so many things he wanted to know, things he was lying to himself about, and problems that would only get worse. He didn't care about it at the moment though, for this moment in time he had something back that he had missed more than anything and he wouldn't let his mind ruin it for him.


	12. Chapter 12

2D stretched his arm out across the bed expecting to feel a body, but instead felt nothing but the cool sheets against his skin. He opened his eyes and looked at the empty spot, his head hurt a bit, and there was a dull throbbing sensation in his back. It took his tired mind a moment to remember what had happened earlier and in the night before, he remembered Murdoc saying that he wanted to move out, and a bit of panic rushed into the singer's mind waking him up fully. He got out of bed and grabbed his jeans up off of the floor pulling them on. He checked in the bathroom finding it empty, he checked the spare room, and the living room both vacated. The pain in his head increased some and the feeling of panic spread through his mind, there was no way that he actually left. He had said that he wasn't going to leave, though there were a lot of things the bassist said but never meant.

The vocalist leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes; he rubbed at his temple, and groaned. Maybe he just went out again, he usually took any opportunity to sneak out and go to the pub. It still made him uneasy to think about how he wanted to leave, actually leave. 2D knew that he didn't have any right to make him stay with him; Murdoc could do whatever he wanted. He generally did whatever he wanted to do, but the singer didn't know what he would do without the Satanist. He knew it was pathetic that he needed somebody else to survive, but it was how he felt. Ever since he woke up from his coma he felt like he needed Murdoc, like he owned the older man something. At this point in his life he felt like he owed him everything.

"Hey w'at's going on?"

2D opened his eyes to see the bassist standing in front of him looking confused. The younger man wrapped his arms around him hugging him tightly; he smiled and buried his face against the crook of Murdoc's neck.

"Yew a'right?"

The singer pulled back and nodded.

"Y-yeah jus' I t'ought t'at, where did yew go?"

"Jus' went out luv, sorry I didn' tell ya. Yew t'ought I left, left didn't yew?"

The blue haired man looked away feeling idiotic for the thoughts he had before.

Murdoc wrapped his arms around the taller man's waist pulling his body closer, 2D looked back up and smiled shyly.

"Y-yeah jus' I woke up an' yew were gone and yew were talkin' 'bout wantin' to leave me and stuff."

"I shouldn't have said anything to yew; I knew it'd scare yew."

2D leaned in kissing him slowly; he placed a hand on the back of the older man's neck holding him in place. Murdoc kissed back his fingers digging into the younger man's bare back, his nails biting against his skin. The singer broke away from the kiss; he traced his index finger along a scar that ran down along the bassist right cheek.

"Did yew mean it when yew said t'at yew wanna get away from me?"

Murdoc pulled away from the vocalist, he leaned back against the wall and stared up at the younger man for a moment then looked away.

"Kind of" He finally replied his voice low; he shrugged and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans still not meeting 2D's eyes.

"Oh, s-so are um….When yew said t'at yer gonna move out I shouldn't 'ave told yew t'at yew can't leave. It was stupid y'know, yew can do wotever yew want, yew don't belong to me or anyfink…Jus' I don' know."

He couldn't feel the throbbing in his head any longer; he felt a depressive numbness coming over him. He really couldn't imagine actually going a lifetime without Murdoc with him, a year and a half was hard for him, but just in general he really didn't know if he could do that.

"No that's not w-w'at I meant, I ju-just need some space sometimes…I-it isn't, I love yew jus' sometimes I don't feel like I'm safe to be a-around an' that's when I want to be alone. After what I did to yew, I don't want to beat yew up like t'at again."

2D nodded showing that he understood what the other man was saying.

"Wot about moving?"

"I shouldn' have brought it up." Murdoc said finally meeting the vocalist eyes.

"I'd be fucked without yew."

The older man smirked and shook his head.

"No yew would be safe without me, I know t'at I scare yew."

"Not for the reasons t'at yew fink."

"It doesn' scare yew when I beat yew?"

"It does a little bit, but yew always used to hit me an' stuff."

"That really doesn't make me feel much better." Murdoc said running his fingers back through his hair.

"I know t'at yew don't mean it, yew've changed a lot…Yew don't have control over t'ese fings, I know t'at yew don't mean to hit me."

2D was prepared to defend it for as long as he could. He knew that it wasn't right, but the guilt and fear he always saw in the bassist eyes right afterwards told him that he never meant it.

"That doesn' make it right, yer willing to forgive and excuse every fucking thing that I do to yew. I don' want that, I…I'm so tired of this, I go from feeling a'right to just blacking out an' when I come to yer on t'e ground bleeding. It scares me; it scares me when yew tell me t'at yew need me."

"Are yew breaking up wit' me?" 2D asked his voice soft, the question felt weird coming out of his mouth.

"No, n-no I'm not breaking up with yew…I just I don't know w'at to do, a'right? Everything in my head is really fucked up an' I keep trying to do t'e things I know won' hurt yew, but it doesn't work…I'm sick of yew worrying and feeling like yew owe me something."

"Can yew promise t'at yew won't leave me?"

Murdoc averted his eyes, 2D felt nervous and uncomfortable in the silence as the seconds passed them by.

"No, no….I-I won't, I won't leave yew." He replied sadly finally meeting the vocalist eyes.

He wanted to read his thoughts, he wanted to feel reassured by his words, but they only made him feel worse. He wished he could make all of this go away; he wanted to change so many things, or just find out that none of it was true.

"Promise?"

Murdoc smiled sadly and shook his head.

"Yer like a kid sometimes ya know, I really don't get why yew want me around."

2D walked up to him, he wrapped his arms around his neck and pressed his body against the older man's.

"It's not even t'at I want yew, it's just t'at I need yew, I don't fink t'at I can actually survive without yew…T'at scares me ya know, finking t'at I need another person this much…I need yew Mu'doc."

Murdoc wrapped his arms around the taller man's waist pressing their bodies together; he leaned up kissing him passionately. He pushed 2D back against the wall as they continued kissing, the vocalist fingers tangled themselves in his shaggy black hair. The bassist hands roamed up along his back nails raking along his pale bruised flesh, Murdoc pushed his tongue inside of the younger man's mouth. 2D ran his other hand down along the Satanist chest his fingers tracing over scars he had memorized by now, he felt along every dip and line on the older man's body. Murdoc slid a hand down to his left thigh lifting his leg up; 2D took the hint and wrapped his leg around the shorter man's waist. The Satanist ground against him causing the pianist to moan into the kiss his body trembling at the sudden friction as he felt himself growing harder. Murdoc's nails dug into his back as he continued thrusting against him, 2D pulled him as close as he could wanting to feel every inch of the other man. He grabbed at the green skinned man's shirt tugging at it, Murdoc broke away long enough to remove his shirt and drop it to the floor. He latched his mouth onto the taller man's neck sucking and nipping at the skin, 2D leaned his head against the wall moaning and whimpering. The older man's lips travelled to his chest his tongue going over his nipples making them go erect, 2D wrapped his other leg around Murdoc's waist pulling him closer.

The bassist pulled him away from the wall and carried him into the living room laying him down on the couch. 2D took hold of the chain hanging from the older man's neck pulling him down against him and kissing the Satanist hard. Murdoc tangled his fingers in the singer's hair pulling his head back; 2D opened his eyes and looked up at him his lips parted slightly.

Murdoc ran his tongue down along his neck, his hand made its way to 2D's crotch. He quickly unfastened his jeans pushing them down to his knees; the vocalist kicked them off the rest of the way.

The older man began kissing along his neck and chest while his fingers roamed between the taller man's legs moving slowly towards his erection.

His hand stopped just a couple of inches away; 2D groaned in frustration and bucked his hips. Murdoc placed a hand on his stomach pushing him back down against the couch, the younger man glared at him.

"Please" 2D whispered.

"I like yew frustrated, it's cute….Really doesn't take much to turn yew on does it?" Murdoc asked smiling at him.

He wrapped his fingers around 2D's dick and gave it a single stroke before pulling away.

"Fuck, only when yer touching me."

"Luv I've turned yew on wit' my voice alone, yer rather easy." Murdoc whispered hotly against his ear, he ran his tongue along the shell.

2D moaned in reply, the bassist gave his dick another stroke this time rubbing his thumb over the tip. The vocalist thrust his hips forward feeling frustrated to the point it was starting to hurt, Murdoc began kissing down along his neck his sharpened teeth biting against his skin.

"Please Mudz"

The older man continued kissing down along his neck then his collar bones ignoring the younger man's plea.

"C'mon"

The older man's hands travelled down along his sides, his tongue ran down along his stomach.

"I need yew" The younger man begged his voice cracking.

Murdoc's eyes met his for a moment; he turned his head and ran his tongue up along the side of 2D's erection. He pulled back and stared up at the younger man.

"Why?"

"I don't know I jus' do." 2D replied his voice softer this time.

The Satanist gave a small smile, he moved back down taking the head of the vocalist dick into his mouth sucking lightly. He pushed the tip of his tongue against the slit; 2D moaned in reply his head tossing back against the arm of the couch. The older man took more of him into his mouth his tongue wrapping around him, the singer thrust his hips up. He closed his eyes and ran his fingers back through his hair tugging at it, Murdoc sucked harder his tongue caressing the under side of his cock while his free hand massaged his balls.

"F-fuck keep going, fuck"

2D opened his eyes and looked down at the bassist; Murdoc's eyes were on his. The vocalist ran his fingers back through the older man's black hair giving a short tug causing him to moan sending vibrations through the singer's body. The Satanist bobbed up and down his length sucking harder his tongue continuing to massage and wrap around his cock adding more pressure pulling him closer to the edge. It took a lot of effort for him to not just start thrusting into his mouth like he wanted to, he tangled his fingers in Murdoc's hair pushing and pulling eliciting more moans from him. 2D leaned his head back closing his eyes again, he could feel the familiar tightening in the pit of his stomach that quickly building heat as he gave in thrusting his hips upwards. He began coming into the bassist mouth his body tensing and trembling with his release, his toes curled against the couch. He moaned loudly and dug his nails into Murdoc's shoulder blade as he rode out his orgasm.

As his body relaxed the black haired man pulled off of him, 2D opened his eyes and looked up at his boyfriend. Murdoc was leaning back his eyes wandering over the pianist body, 2D sat up draping his arms over the older man's shoulders. The bassist leaned down kissing him his tongue slipping inside of his mouth allowing him to taste himself. 2D broke away from the kiss smiling lazily, he lay back on the couch, and Murdoc laid on top of him his head resting on his chest. The vocalist combed his fingers through his messed hair.

"I love yew Stu, got no clue why in hell yer in love with me though."

"I've told yew why a lot of times, yew just never believe me." 2D replied smiling sadly.

"A'right t'en why did yew fall in love wit' me back when all I did was beat yew up?" Murdoc asked looking up at the vocalist.

"Yew read my diary so yew should know t'e answer."

"W'at? No I didn't, I never read yer diary." Murdoc mumbled looking away from the blue haired man.

2D laughed and rolled his eyes.

"Right, of course yew didn't."

"So why did yew fall in love with me?"

The singer leaned his head back and closed his eyes, he thought over it. Everything in his life seemed weird anymore, so many things had happened to him in his life that some memories were gone, and some moments just seemed too far away to recall even though they weren't that long ago at all.

"Yew had moments….There are t'e usual reasons, but mentally t'ere were a lot of times before Kong an' even after wot happened wit' Paula t'at it was just strange. Kind of like yew put yer guard down an' I could talk to yew an' yew looked at me differently like maybe yew respected me. Ye would tell me stuff t'at yew didn't tell other people cause yew didn' trust them or fink they would get it, t'at they'd look at yew differently….Yew always knew t'at I wouldn't do t'at to yew, anytime somebody insulted me or tried to beat on me yew'd protect me….I knew it wasn't cause yew cared but cause yew t'ought yew owned me, but it still meant a lot. Everyfing just added up after awhile, all t'ose years of being around yew, and knowing yew weren't just some nob like everybody else kept saying. I still t'ought I went completely mad when I finally realized I love yew."

"Not sure if I'm complimented or feel like shit for being so bad to yew."

"I've always felt somefink towards yew an' I do owe yew."

"Yew don't owe me anything luv, never have…I hate t'at I didn't love yew until after yew were gone."

"Yew got me back t'ough." 2D whispered as he traced patterns along the older man's back.

He ran his fingers over the 'Born to Die' tattoo on his shoulder blade.

"I think yew would be okay without me."

"I don't ever wanna find out if t'at's true or not."

"I love yew so god damn much."

"I love yew too, nothing will ever change t'ta." 2D replied.


	13. Chapter 13

The latest habit was one that frustrated the blue haired singer. It had been going on for a little over two months now; Murdoc would leave the house early in the morning then not come back until late at night. He would go to the spare room that was now fully furnished that way it would be more comfortable for when he decided he needed to get away and stay in there. 2D understood that he needed the space to himself especially when he was depressed or in the moods where rage black outs were likely, but it still saddened him. He felt like he was losing him, ever since the room was set up it felt like the bassist was going farther and farther away from him. Less and less they would go to bed together, fewer times they would be in the same room for longer than an hour or so, and most times anymore he would wake up in bed alone. Sometimes Murdoc would stay the night with him, usually because he told him he wanted him to because he was tired of spending the nights alone. One of the things that bothered him the most were the times that the Satanist would have his nightmares, but he would be locked up in the spare room so all 2D could do was listen to him scream and cry all night until his voice would give out. Everything about it bothered him, he wanted to confront him about it, but he never got a chance to. The moment he was going to the older man would usually go and leave for most of the day.

Today was going to be one of those days, but Murdoc had left before 2D had even woken up. The last time he had seen the older man he had a blackened eye and a busted lip like he had gotten into a fight. He wondered if they were just from bar fights, from what he could tell the bassist had been getting into a lot of them. It was like if he couldn't take his rage out on 2D then he just went and took it out on other people or sometimes on the furniture in his bedroom.

This was part of what he hated the most out of all of this. That sometimes it seemed like something was getting better, but then a day or so later it got bad again. When he felt like he was finally getting him back he was losing him again, he disappeared into his rage fits, or into his depression. Now that he had a spare room to go and lock himself away in it just made things worse, if he had a problem with 2D he would lock himself in his bedroom. There was no talking about things anymore, hell he would be alright with a fight at least then it would be something. He hated the silence and the avoidance, a couple of times he had thought about bringing it up with Noodle or Russel. They would call him often, but he usually lied or played things off like they weren't too bad. He was tired of involving his friends in these things; maybe everything would just resolve itself.

He heard the front door slam shut followed by foot steps. He considered going into the living room and confronting him, but knew better than that. Maybe he would want to talk for once or at least sit in the same room. 2D listened closely to the foot steps hoping the bassist would come in and talk to him even if it was juts for a second, but to his disappointment he heard the other bedroom door open then go shut.

2D lay back on his bed and sighed heavily, this was completely ridiculous. He knew anybody else would just go into Murdoc's room and ask him what the hell was going on, but he couldn't make himself do that. What good would it even do? Most likely he was piss drunk and would just get pissed off, he would start screaming then probably hit him. It wasn't even worth it; the fights never solved anything they just led to 2D being in pain and Murdoc getting angry with himself for acting violently. It was all a pattern that seemed to never end, everything just ended up on repeat.

He heard banging sounds coming from the other room, it sounded like furniture being moved around. 2D rolled over onto his side so that he was facing the wall, he hated all of this. He thought back to the times Murdoc said that he wanted to move out, that he didn't trust himself around 2D. He still worried that one of these days he would wake up and the bassist would just be gone, he feared the day that it could happen. Murdoc told him that he wouldn't leave him, but it still did nothing to comfort the singer.

2D looked back over his shoulder at the clock and saw it was nearly three in the morning. He could still hear sounds coming from the other room, but they weren't like a few minutes ago.

He didn't care, if he got beaten up then it didn't matter he was sick of this.

The singer got up from his bed and left his room, he stood outside of the spare room looking at the closed door. He felt nervous as he stared at the door, he hated when he felt this way he didn't understand why he felt scared to talk to him. 2D took a deep breath, he took hold of the door knob turning it and pushing the door open.

He walked in to see Murdoc sitting on the edge of the bed, he had a thick black book on his lap, and two long lines of from what 2D could tell was cocaine. The bassist head was lowered as he snorted up one of the two lines, he leaned his head back his eyes closed and rubbed at his nose mumbling something to himself. He shook his head his hair falling in his face, he opened his eyes and looked at the vocalist not even really looking at him more so looking through him.

"Wot t'e fuck are yew doing?" 2D asked his voice coming out angry.

"What do yew t'ink I'm doing?" The bassist asked smirking.

The blue haired man saw the small plastic bag sitting on the bed next to him. He went over and grabbed the bag up from the bed; he ripped it open and spilled the contents on the floor.

"Yew stupid little fuckin' rot." Murdoc growled angrily, he got up from the bed and grabbed 2D by the throat.

"Get off of me."

The Satanist shoved him roughly away, 2D felt his body trembling. He wasn't sure if he was angry or scared, Murdoc had always done drugs in the past. It was the normal thing for him, but it had always made the singer nervous. When he had brought 2D back from the dead he had promised to stop doing those things, but like most things he said it didn't seem to mean a lot.

"Do yew have any idea 'ow much t'at cost me?"

"I don't fuckin' care, I t'ought yew stopped doin' t'is shit."

"Yer such a pathetic little moron, yew aren't even supposed to be in my room. W'at t'e hell are yew doing in 'ere anyways?" He asked stalking closer to the taller man.

2D backed up a few steps.

"I haven't seen yew for like five weeks all yew do is go out and t'en yew lock yerself up in here….Just so yew can get drunk and stoned all fucking day? I can't believe yew, when did yew start doing this again?"

"Awhile ago, not like it's any of yer fucking business." The older man shot back.

"Yeah it is my business, it's my 'ouse….I ca-can't believe yew, wot else are yew doing?"

Murdoc smirked and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Some other t'ings, I'm solving this my way so just fuck off."

"Solving it, this is yer solving it; yer solving it by getting stoned and drinking all t'e time. I thought yew were better t'an this, why can't yew just talk to me?"

"W'at do yew want me to say to yew? I went to Hell, because I saved yer life and while I was there t'ey did things to me t'at haunt me every fucking second. Yew know all of this already, there isn't a damned thing to talk about. I'm so fucking tired of yew thinking that yew can help me, that yew think I'm some…Like I mean something, like I'm some good guy. I've never been t'e fucking good guy, I don't know w'at delusional shit yew 'ave going around t'at empty head of yers."

"Yew know better t'an t'at, this isn't helping yew at all. Yer just hurting yerself by doing this, I know I can' help yew…I just"

"Shut up, yew can't…Just shut t'e fuck up, I'm so sick of yew ya know. I'm not getting better; this isn't going to get better, ever. Just when yew accept t'at and stop acting like a girl t'e better off we'll be."

2D cautiously moved closer to him, he reached out to place a hand on the older man's shoulder. Murdoc grabbed his wrist holding to it tightly, the vocalist tried to pull back, but the older man only tightened his grip.

"Yer hurting me"

"Good" The older man replied his voice low and menacing.

The blue haired man tried to move away, but couldn't.

"I told yew to just leave me alone an' I fucking warned yew that yew can't do a God damned thing for me. Yew can't save me; yew can't protect me, or make me better why can't yew just get that already?"

"I'm not going to leave yew alone, I'm not gonna let yew just lock yerself up in 'ere and kill yerself."

Murdoc let go of his wrist, but quickly grabbed him by the throat his nails digging into the singer's skin as he squeezed tightly. 2D started struggling kicking his feet against the floor as his air was cut off.

"Just leave me alone, if I die it doesn't fucking matter. Why do yew want t'is, huh? Why would yew want to save a fucking t'ing like this? Yer almost as worthless and pathetic as I am, I don't fucking need yew. I'm taking care of this my own way."

2D felt chilled by the rage he could see in the bassist eyes and the hatred filling his voice. He released the vocalist; 2D stepped back and began gasping for air. It took him by surprise when Murdoc punched him in the face knocking him back. He started to move away to go for the door, but the older man grabbed him pulling him back.

"Yew wanted in here, yer not fucking leaving."

He shoved the blue haired man onto the ground; he sat straddling his lower stomach. He gripped tightly to the front of his shirt and began punching him hard in the face, 2D reached out trying to push the older man off of him. He managed a hit to the older man's face knocking him off of him, 2D climbed to his feet and went towards the door, fingers knotted in his hair jerking him back.

"How good of a person do yew t'ink t'at I am now?"

"I know yew aren't a bad person, yer just fucked up on drugs right now." 2D whispered

"Dimwit"

Murdoc grabbed him by the arm turning him to face him; 2D averted his eyes scared to look at the older man.

"Yew can't even fucking look at me, yer scared of me I knew yew fucking were." The bassist said before smacking him hard across the face.

Tears fell from the singer's eyes as he stood there trying to get his mind to grasp onto what was going on. He could feel blood running from his nose and his head was beginning to throb, at this point he did just want to get the hell out of there.

"Look at me"

2D shook his head and closed his eyes; Murdoc tightened his grip on his arm his nails cutting into his skin.

"Fucking look at me yew worthless little cunt."

"Fuck yew" The vocalist said his voice shaking with anger.

Murdoc shook him violently; 2D opened his eyes and glared down at the older man. The Satanist punched him hard in the face; he grabbed hold of both of 2D's arms and pushed him hard knocking him back against the wall. The back of his head knocked hard against it causing a stinging pain to go through his skull, he felt dizzy, and blacked out for a moment. He could feel something hit against the side of his head when he hit the ground, he came to after a moment only to black out again. His head was hurting him to the point he couldn't stand it, he could feel blood running down his face. He thought he could hear a voice, maybe calling his name he tried to reply, but the only thing that came out was a shaky breath and a weak whimper. With that he blacked out.


	14. Chapter 14

When he came to he couldn't remember much of what had happened. He felt a horrible pain going through his head; he managed to just barely open his eyes causing the pain to increase. He could feel a hand on his shoulder shaking him lightly. He wanted to move, but couldn't get himself to, he felt his body shiver in response to the pain in his head. A few of the images flashed through his mind reminding him of what had happened, of why he was currently lying on the floor.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry….I-I I'm sorry."

2D opened his eyes further and tried to move again, but it didn't work.

"D-don't move, okay?"

He tried to speak, but nothing came out. He felt fingers going through his hair and managed a tiny smile.

"Please say somethin', c'mon Stu….Come on please say somethin' I-I really don' wanna try an-and get y-yew to the hospital."

"W-wot…Wot happened?" he whispered his voice barely audible.

"Y-yew hit yer head, fuck…Okay, I-I'm going to try to get yew up, a'right?"

The blue haired man gave a nod of his head which caused more pain.

Murdoc took hold of his arm pulling him into a sitting position; 2D felt dizzy and closed his eyes again. He hung his head and groaned feeling slightly nauseous by the movement.

"Fuck, c-come on."

He wrapped an arm around the singer's waist and pulled him to his feet; 2D stumbled and fell against the older man's side. He knotted his fingers in the front of his shirt holding onto him just barely able to keep up with him as they left the room. The singer kept his eyes shut, when he opened them he felt like he was either going to vomit or pass out again.

"Sit down, I-I'll be right back."

2D opened his eyes and sat down on the bed, he buried his face in his hands as he leaned forward groaning. He remembered more things from what had happened; the fighting, the drugs, the screaming, and then finally being knocked into the wall. The pain in his head only got worse as he thought over it, as that anxiety came flowing back to him making him want to cry. Tears began falling from his black eyes as he thought about it. He felt fingers going through his hair and jerked away.

"Don't touch me"

"Pl-please I have to look at yer head, I t'ink I really…." His words trailed off.

The younger man lowered his hands and glared at the man kneeling before him.

"Yeah it 'urts like hell" 2D muttered.

He turned his head to the side allowing the bassist to look over his wounds; he winced when he felt medicine being applied to the spot.

"I-it isn't too bad w-when yew fell y-yew just hit yer head aga-against a bottle I had on t'e floor…Stu I'm sorry"

2D didn't reply he wanted to pull away, or to push Murdoc away from him. Instead he sat there allowing him to look over his wounds cleaning the blood off of his face and making sure any damage done wasn't horrible enough they would have to go to the hospital. He kept his eyes down cast not wanting to look at the bassist; he didn't want to talk about what happened. His head was throbbing and in his mind like every other time he just wanted to rationalize things. He wanted to tell himself that he hadn't meant the things he had said to him, he even wanted to write off the cocaine.

"I'm sorry"

"I know"

Fingers ran down along his cheek, 2D smacked the Satanist hand away. More tears fell from his eyes, for once he really didn't want to talk. He knew what he had wanted to know for those months, he even had answers to things that he didn't want to know about. He didn't know whether to blame the drugs or the rage, but in the end he just wanted to blame the man staring at him right now. He wanted to scream at him and ask what happened, why he was letting these things take control of him. Why he couldn't just open up, why anytime it looked like things were less horrible that he found a way to go back to that.

"I love yew"

"Yeah, wotever"

He knew who he had fallen in love with, he had known for years. He was with the man that his mom hated, he remembered when he had called her and confessed he thought he was starting to develop feelings for the green skinned man. For the longest time she had gone silent, but when she had started talking again she had lectured him on how he just needed to stay away from him. Maybe he should have listened to her; maybe then things wouldn't be the way they were right now.

"I'm sorry, I mean it"

He felt lips pressing against his neck, by instinct he wanted to tangle his fingers in the other man's hair and pull him closer. He fought against it though; he placed a hand against Murdoc's chest shoving him away. The older man fell back onto the floor and stared up at the vocalist shocked by his action.

"D-don't"

"I-I to-told yew t'at I'm sorry."

"I know an' I believe yew."

"Wh-why are yew acting like t'is, is it cause of t'e drugs? Yew always did drugs; yew did everyt'ing t'at I did if not more. Y-yew can't look down on me because of t'at when yer just as bad."

2D shook his head and looked away.

"I stopped doin' them."

"So did I"

"Now yer doin' them again an' just like last time yer doin' it cause yew don' want to deal wit' fings."

"Yew don't understand, just stop acting like yew get it. Yew don't know anything about me."

2D smiled sadly and looked at the bassist.

"Yer right I don't know a fing about yew, I don't know…I don't know if who yew were when I first met yew is t'e real yew, t'e way yew are now….I don' know if yew were just faking it when yew were nice to me all t'at time, just to shag me…I don' know anyfing about yew."

He saw the look of annoyance turn to one of fear. 2D reached over opening the top drawer in the night stand and pulled out the bottle of prescription pills. He pulled four out of the bottle and took them; he closed the container and tossed it at the bassist.

"Take t'em I know yew like t'em." He said his voice vacant.

"Stu"

"Get out, okay? N-not t'e house, but just…Go to yer room, get drunk, or wotever…I just want to be alone."

2D lay down on the bed; he laid on his side his back towards the Satanist. He expected him to say something else; the room was silent for a while. He felt sad and relieved when he heard the bedroom door go closed, the moment he heard that click he allowed himself to start crying. He pulled his legs up against himself and began crying his body shaking, the crying did nothing for the pain in his head, but it didn't really matter. He took enough pills that he would pass out soon enough, until then he planned on crying.


	15. Chapter 15

There was a small note book he kept at the bottom of the top drawer in his night stand. It was the book he took out and wrote lyrics in, sometimes he would show them to his band mates. Anymore the words he wrote were just for himself, he only wrote in it when he was depressed or not even sure what he was feeling. Everything he had written lately was depressive, the lyrics were sad and nearly haunting. He knew that if he ever released these tracks and let people know that these were words that he had written all on his own it'd make people worry especially his band mates. People tended to worry about him anytime he was depressed or less than empty minded and happy; he knew those were the times that used to scare Murdoc the most.

2D wrote down words he didn't even understand, they were just things that came into his mind and flowed onto the paper. Tears ran down his cheeks as he wrote, his head was still sore, but nothing like it had been before. After he had woken up he had checked himself in the mirror noticing the small cuts from where Murdoc had grabbed him, there was a decent cut above his right ear where he had hit his head against the bottle on the floor breaking it causing the glass to cut into his skin. He wondered if Murdoc was still home, in a small way he hoped that he wasn't. He wanted to call one of his friends and talk to them, not to get help, but just to have somebody he could talk to. He looked towards his bedroom window and could see the moon shining through casting pale light inside of his room. He could just faintly hear the sounds of cars outside, sometimes people talking to one another. The sounds were peaceful almost like a lullaby, sometimes he did just want to run away from everything in his life. He just wanted to walk, disappear into the world and keep on going like that. He never told people that, it didn't make sense not even to himself.

He closed the book and shoved it back inside of the drawer. He lay back down and stared at the bedroom door somewhat expecting the Satanist to come in. He wasn't sure why he expected anything, part of him felt badly for what he had said before. He wasn't sure if he really had meant the things he had said to Murdoc, but then again he wasn't sure if Murdoc had meant the horrible things he had said to him…Hell he wasn't even sure if he was telling the truth when he said the nice things he would say. 2D had always questioned that when he had come back from the dead, he wondered if Murdoc was really in love with him. He felt like an idiot when he questioned the sincerity in the sweet things that the bassist would say to him, but everything about it always felt so out of character for him. This though this felt right in a horrible way, maybe he really didn't give a damn about the singer. Maybe he just thought that he loved him, only brought him back because he didn't want to find a new vocalist, and maybe now he just felt stuck.

Tears continued scrolling down his cheeks as his mind continued to wander. Generally 2D could be blank, could go without thinking a single thought for days even years. Through the years he was more coherent though, he understood words he used to not even be able to pronounce. He could catch on to what people were saying to him or when they were doing something bad to him or one of his band mates. Everybody was noticing it especially in the past couple of years, it was hard to ignore. He didn't want to be here though; he didn't want to have to think. It was times like these that when he thought his thoughts scared him, he doubted things he used to be too stupid to think on longer than a minute or two. Murdoc still wanted to think of him as empty headed, to think that he didn't understand any of this. That he wasn't hurt by the insults let alone understood them, but he understood things more than anybody around him was willing to admit.

He wanted things to be simple again back when he didn't have a thought in his head and had a crush on a man he never thought he could be with. He was tired of crying, tired of wondering just how much he really trusted him, and if Murdoc even felt anything for him at all. He had to though, there were a lot of things the Satanist would say when he was in one of his fits, but he never told 2D that he didn't love him. It was the one place he would never go in those moments, the one place where there was an unspoken line drawn. Still he waited for him to say it, waited to find out all of this was a lie and that he was an idiot for thinking that somebody like Murdoc could feel love especially for somebody like him.

He felt selfish; he didn't know why he kept making all of this about himself. This wasn't something he needed to turn into his own problem; it was what Murdoc was going through. Shoving each other away wasn't solving any of their problems only making them worse and causing more frustration. There wasn't anything that he could do, he knew better than that. He didn't want to involve his friends and he didn't want to involve doctors, there wasn't anything any of them could do. He knew hoping things would get better, pretending they were while they only got worse was idiotic. He wanted to pretend things weren't the way that they were right now, he wanted to be stronger….He just wanted everything to be over, to be fine again.

The door opened and Murdoc stepped into the room, 2D felt that feeling of anxiety wash over him again. He turned away from the door and wrapped his arms around himself. He waited for the bassist to talk, waited for more bull shit.

He felt the weight of the bed shift; he could feel breath against his cheek. He opened his eyes to see Murdoc lying next to him, 2D thought about telling him to go away, but he had the strongest urge to just keep him there. The older man ran his fingers along his skin wiping at his tear stained cheek, 2D trembled and more tears fell from his eyes. He took hold of Murdoc's hand holding it their fingers tangling together.

"Just let me leave." Murdoc whispered breaking the silence.

2D shook his head and moved closer to the bassist.

"Yew already don' trust me."

"I'm sorry 'bout wot I said…I…I don't know"

"I never wanted to hurt yew an' I have never used yew."

"I wanna believe yew"

Murdoc ran his fingers through the younger man's blue hair; he leaned forward pressing his lips against his forehead.

"I'm not asking yew to, if I leave t'en yew won' 'ave to worry."

"Yew promised yew wouldn' leave me again."

"I also promised I wouldn' hurt yew, Stuart I'm scared."

The fear in his voice was more than evident; 2D wrapped an arm around him pulling him close. He kissed the bassist softly, he pulled away burying his face against his chest.

"I know, I got yew." 2D whispered as he rubbed his hand up and down along the older man's back.

When he looked he could see Murdoc crying, he looked away when he noticed the singer looking. 2D kissed him again longer this time; he knew he should be angry like he was before. He should be scared for fifty million reasons, but he couldn't get himself to be.

"I-if I hurt yew again I-I'm going to leave eve-even if yew tell me not to."

"I don't want yew to go."

He knew if things kept going the way they were the violence would only get worse. 2D didn't want to think about how badly he could get hurt, how far these things could actually go. Murdoc already knew all of this, it was irritating how much he knew but he wouldn't let the vocalist know a single thing.

"I-I don't like w'at I did to yew."

"Maybe if yew stop doing drugs t'en maybe…"

"No…I-I'm not I-I can't t'ink of anything else t'at makes me forget w'at happened to me."

2D thought back to the times that Murdoc used to rely on him. The times where he wanted 2D to hold him, listen to him, and try to help these things go away; he wished they were still at that still at the times where he felt like he had a use in his boyfriend's life. He felt like he was watching two cars speeding towards each other just watching and waiting for the crash to happen, he knew he could do something to stop it, but he didn't know what.

"Please don't leave me alone."

"Yer scared of me an' yew don' even believe I love yew….Why should I stay?"

"I can'….I'm sorry I-I said t'ose fings, just don't leave."

Just minutes ago he didn't want to be around him, he just wanted Murdoc to stay away from him. Even then he didn't want him gone for good; he wanted to know that he was still there for him. That when things got calm again he could just go and lay next to him, if he left then he couldn't have that reassurance.

"I know yew meant it an' I can't be pissed at yew for thinking that way. Don't cry, okay? I-I won't go yet, just if I ever do t'is to yew again….Do yew still love me?"

2D nodded and smiled softly.

"Always"

"I love yew; I mean it when I say it. It has nothin' to do with sex; I really have feelings for yew. I hate t'at yew can't see that, maybe some day yew will."

"Can yew stay with me for t'e night, I don't wanna be alone."

"Sure, I don't want to be alone either." Murdoc whispered.

2D buried his face against the older man's neck and closed his eyes, maybe some day things would be easier.


	16. Chapter 16

2D woke up expecting to be alone; he was surprised when he saw Murdoc sitting on the edge of the bed with a cigarette held loosely in his hand.

"I didn' really expect yew to be 'ere."

The blue haired man moved so he was sitting next to the bassist.

"I told yew that I would stay the night with yew." He replied barely looking at him.

"Did yew sleep at all?"

"Barely, I tried to, but then the nightmares started up so kind of just spent the rest of the time awake."

He handed the cigarette to the vocalist; 2D took a drag from it then passed it back to him.

"I'm still sorry 'bout w'at I did to yew before."

"Its okay, I shouldn' have said the stuff I said to yew." 2D said shrugging.

He didn't really want to think about any of it; it wasn't like they could go without bringing it up though. He was used to Murdoc abusing him, that's how things had been ever since the first day they had met. That never meant that it was right, but it was just something that 2D quickly made himself accept. He figured that if his pain amused the older man then he'd just let him beat on him when he felt like it, of course it was a stupid idea. Things had changed though and now it was different, as far as he knew Murdoc didn't want to beat him up anymore, but he couldn't control it. That was one of the things he wondered about; if he really didn't mean it or not. Everybody told 2D that Murdoc didn't care about him, that if it wasn't for his voice he would have gotten rid of him years ago. He knew that was stupid, he could tell the bassist cared about him. He hoped so anyways, doubting annoyed him doubts had always been there in his mind. When they were just friends he doubted if Murdoc even liked him, he wondered if he only looked after him because he felt like he had to, and he doubted if the older man had any loyalties towards him. When they started dating he'd think about if Murdoc was with him because he really cared or because he felt like he had to, maybe he was with him because he felt like there were no other options. In those years the doubts went away, but recently everything was coming back into the blue haired man's mind. He doubted everything now, it drove him crazy spending so much time thinking compared to all of the years he spent just being blank for the most part.

"Yew shouldn' apologize for the truth luv."

2D wrapped an arm around the older man's shoulders, he buried his face against the side of his neck kissing and biting at the skin. Murdoc sighed heavily, he shoved the vocalist away then got up from the bed going over and sitting on a chair on the other side of the room. 2D looked at him feeling confused by the sudden action, Murdoc shrugged and looked away.

"Wot I can't touch yew now?"

"Look I beat the hell out of yew, then after that yew didn't even wanna look at me, and now yew want to touch me. It doesn't work like that; sometimes I think I did hit yew with my car too many damn times."

He stubbed the cigarette out on the floor then ran his fingers back through his hair.

"I forgive yew t'ough an' I know yew didn' mean it."

He still felt confused; he didn't get why he couldn't touch him. Murdoc had always hurt him; after they started dating things were different. He knew it was wrong he just couldn't help defending the bassist and making up excuses for him, he would spend his lifetime telling everybody that he never meant it or that it was his fault for pissing the older man off.

"Yer such a bloody moron yew know, I don't care if I meant to hit yew or not. Yew should still be mad at me not taking back w'at yew said and acting like what I did was nothing." Murdoc said sounding annoyed.

2D sat on the side of the bed his legs dangling over the edge; he bowed his head letting his hair fall in his face.

"I know, but I can't, an' it isn't like its t'e first time yew ever punched me or anyfink." He said his voice coming out low.

"I don't trust myself around yew I don't care if I'm sober or completely stoned out of my mind."

"Why did yew even bring me back t'en?" The blue haired man asked glaring up at the bassist.

Murdoc lifted his head and stared at him for awhile his eyes wide.

"What?"

"Why did yew even bother bringing me back from t'e dead if yer just gonna ignore me an' stuff? Yew knew t'at yew would 'ave to leave me in five years an' didn' even know if yew'd come back, then when yew do come back an' yew start getting back to normal all yew do is leave the house, get stoned or drunk…If I try to talk to yew or be around yew ya just leave or start yellin' at me for being stupid and always hanging around yew, I don't get it. Why did yew bring me back, yew said yew missed me an' wanted me back. Unless that's just somefink else yew were lying to me about."

2D let out a long breath then hung his head again. Everything was frustrating him and he was beginning to get a pain in the side of his head from where the bottle had cut him. He looked at the bruises on his arms from the times Murdoc had grabbed him, he thought about the knot on the back of his head, and the cuts above his ear. He wasn't even that angry about it, he was just angry that the only reason he was alive again was ignoring him and treating him like dirt more and more every day. He couldn't really remember the last time things had been actually civil, it seemed like there had maybe been a few weeks maybe even a month worth of time where there was no chaos and it was almost like how it used to be. Now everything was chaotic and strange; he kept wondering what things Murdoc said to him just out of drugged up rage and what things he meant but used the drugs as an excuse to say them.

"I brought yew back to life because yew were too young to die and it was supposed to be me, not yew."

"Is t'at the only reason?"

"That's one of the dumbest things yew have asked me, I still don't get why the hell yer with me. Yew obviously don't fucking trust me or believe a damn thing that I say to yew, not sure why I'm even bothering right now."

"Yew lie a lot so I have to ask." 2D whispered almost hoping the older man wouldn't hear him.

He heard the chair being pushed across the floor then knocked over, he flinched at the sound.

"Exactly so if I lie a lot then why would yew believe me now? Why would yew fucking believe a word t'at I say?" Murdoc asked his voice angry.

2D looked up at him; the bassist was standing in front of him glaring down at him.

"Yew can't even fucking answer me can yew?"

The younger man lowered his head; the pain was getting worse now.

"I wish I was still dead."

His eyes widened the moment the words left his mouth, he looked up to see Murdoc staring at him with the same expression of shock. The tension in the room changed to something else, something that was somehow more uncomfortable than it had been before.

He waited for Murdoc to start yelling, he tried to find a way to take the words back, or to add onto them. He didn't even know why he said that, it was something he didn't think about so why would he even say it especially to Murdoc.

The Satanist turned and walked out of the room closing the door behind him. 2D buried his face in his hands and began cursing at himself for what he had said, fight that was all they could do lately. Fighting was normal especially between the two of them, but everything was different and the fighting was different. Everything they said hurt the other more than it would have just a few years ago. Maybe some part of him did want to be gone; it wasn't like he would take his own life. He knew how much work the bassist put into bringing him back, it made him feel guilty. He wondered how many years he had, if any extra were put onto his life span. He didn't want to die he just wanted a break from things right now; he knew most likely Murdoc was in his bedroom doing drugs or drinking himself into oblivion. That was how he escaped from his problems anymore. That was how he would cope with the things 2D had just said to him minutes before, the way he coped with his time in Hell, and everything else. The singer on the other hand just sat on his bed while his mind raced and caused him almost as much pain as it did when he was a lot younger and his migraines were at their worst.


	17. Chapter 17

It took a little over a day for the vocalist to finally cave in and go check on Murdoc. He had wanted to give it some time; he had wanted to figure out why he had said that he wished he was still dead. He was scared that if he talked to him sooner then he would be angry and violent. The avoidance was driving him mad though, he couldn't deal with it even if the bassist didn't want to see him.

2D walked into Murdoc's bedroom to find the Satanist lying sprawled out on the floor his eyes focused on the ceiling; music was playing on the stereo by his bed. The blue haired man sat down next to him, the older man glanced towards him then looked away.

"How stoned are yew?"

"Not as stoned as I would like to be, swear that kid ripped me off…Was supposed to give me fucking Prozac."

2D sighed and began rubbing at his forehead, he bit his tongue to keep from talking about the drugs. Whatever Murdoc was on right now was keeping him calm; actually it seemed to just be making him depressive. Either way it wasn't a good time to bring it up; there was never a good time for him to ask about the Satanist drug problem.

"I worry about yew."

Murdoc laughed.

"That isn't even funny, that's the funny thing about it….It's just rather sad yew know, worrying about me, being with me…All of this it's so messed up…Fuck I feel like my head is going to explode, I'm probably going to die."

"Yew aren't going to die."

"I will, one of these days I'll die…Probably over dose or slit my own throat, not sure which I'd prefer." The older man said his voice calm almost like this was something normal to discuss.

2D felt that pain in his chest the one he had gotten the day Murdoc went away.

"Stop it"

The older man glanced up at him seeming confused.

"We all die sometime, not like it's a loss eh?"

"Stop it; please I don't wanna fink about yew dying."

The blue haired man looked around the room trying to take his mind off of things. He noticed the prescription bottles lying on the bed along with a few more containers holding different types of drugs, on the floor were cases of beer and whiskey.

"C-could yew hold me?" The bassist asked his voice soft and nervous.

"I thought I wasn't allowed to touch yew anymore." 2D replied bitterly.

"Please, I-I'm sorry…J-just please"

"Yeah, okay"

Murdoc moved so that his upper body was resting on 2D's lap, the singer wrapped his arms around him holding him close. He ran his fingers through his shaggy black hair; Murdoc buried his face against the younger man's leg. He could hear him crying softly, the bassist fingers curled against the material of his shirt.

"I'm so sorry, I-I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Shh its a'right, I'm not really angry at yew….Just frustrated, it's gonna be okay."

"I don't want yew to die a-and…I-I don't want yew to kill yerself."

"I'm not going to kill myself."

Murdoc pulled himself up so he could look at the younger man.

"Yew said yew wished yew were dead, h-how long have yew felt that way?"

"I don't feel that way; I don't know why I said that. I didn't mean it; I just got upset, and my head started hurting really badly."

He had done his best to figure out why he had said it, but nothing came to his mind.

"Yew used to say yew were happy that I brought yew back, maybe yew just changed yer mind when yew realized what yew'd have to deal with." Murdoc said smiling sadly.

"Please stop talking, everyfink yew have said so far either scares me or annoys me." He said trying to smile.

He placed a hand on the older man's cheek, he leaned in kissing him. Murdoc placed a hand against his chest like he was going to push him away instead his fingers curled into his shirt and he pulled the younger man closer. He lay back on the floor pulling 2D down on top of him; the singer put his hands on the floor on either side of the bassist head as they continued to kiss. Murdoc pulled the taller man's body down against him, 2D tangled his fingers in the older man's hair. He groaned when the bassist bit into his lip sucking on it, the green skinned man's hands travelled up under the front of his shirt. His movements went from slow to frantic; the pills he had taken were probably starting to wear off.

2D broke from the kiss his breathing heavy; he began kissing along Murdoc's neck.

"S-stop"

The singer sat back on his knees and looked down at the bassist; Murdoc's hands were still under his shirt his fingers wandering over his stomach.

"Wot's wrong?"

"N-nothing just….I want yew to trust me again."

"I do trust yew."

Murdoc smiled, he placed a hand on the younger man's cheek then ran his fingers back through his light blue hair.

"No luv, yew don't believe a thing that I say so yew can't trust me….Remember when I brought yew back and yew used to cling to me like I was the only thing keeping yew safe? I miss that, I wish that I didn't break that." He said his voice soft as tears rolled down his cheeks.

"Mu'doc please"

"I should 'ave just left yew alone, not dated yew, and put yew through all of this…I knew I'd be a fucking mess, always have been….It only gets worse, ever since I went to Hell it's gotten worse…I feel like I'm falling apart on the inside and I have to watch yew think that yew could actually save me….There's nothing to save."

"Stop it; I don't wanna die an' I don't want yew to die. I don' want yew to move out an' I'm so sick of everyfink an' sick of yew saying t'at yew wanna leave cause I don' trust yew. I don' know wot's going on anymore I jus' know t'at it hurts a lot an' I'm sick of it." 2D bowed his head; he ran his fingers through his hair cursing at himself when tears fell from his eyes.

He lay down on top of the bassist burying his face against his chest as he continued to cry. He felt dizzy and sick, his head was throbbing and he honestly didn't know how much more of this he could take. He feared that one of these days Murdoc would die from these habits of his or he would get up and leave without even telling 2D goodbye. These thoughts only made him cling to the older man tighter as he continued to cry, he felt the tiniest bit of security when the bassist arms were around him holding him. He could feel his warm breath against the top of his head, he wanted to be secure in the fact that he would never leave, but every day it seemed like he was losing him more and more.

"I will always love yew, okay?" Murdoc whispered his fingers combed through 2D's hair.

The vocalist nodded slowly, he lifted his head and looked at the older man. Murdoc feigned a small smile for him; he caressed the singer's cheek. 2D leaned into the touch; he placed a hand over the older man's, and turned his head to the side pressing his lips to the palm of his hand.

"That's the scar from where yew cut yer hand open to bring me back."

"Yeah pet it is, all for yew; everything I ever do is for yew."

"Remember when fings were easier?" 2D whispered, he opened his eyes and looked back at the bassist.

"I do, I miss it…I should have just stayed in Hell, there's a lot yew still don't know or understand."

"Tell me then."

"Not yet"

"When then?"

"One of these days…I want to take back that no touching thing."

2D smiled and shook his head, he moved off of the older man.

"No yer t'e one who said it so I'll respect t'at."

"Yer such a brat" Murdoc said smiling; he sat up and wrapped an arm around the vocalist waist pulling him closer.

The blue haired man placed his hands on his chest just barely trying to push him away; Murdoc pulled him onto his lap. 2D wrapped his arms around the bassist neck, he leaned his forehead against his.

"I worry about yew, isn't that enough to show yew that I care?"

"I know yew care, I just need yew to trust me again, and I'm willing to wait and work on that." Murdoc replied before kissing the singer.

"So that means yew aren't gonna leave me then?"

"I won't leave yew, nothing in this world can make me leave yew again….My head just gets really messed up that's why I come in here and try to stay away from yew….When I feel better, if I ever get better I'm going to make all of this up to yew."

"Really?"

"Really, I love yew Stuart, I love yew so much."

"I love yew too, no matter wot happens or 'ow I feel, I need yew. I can't hate yew or go without yew, I just need yew, and I don't wish I was dead….I know how much that hurt yew."

"Felt like I had no reason to live when yew died, never knew I could feel like that because of a person. Feels strange talking to somebody about how I feel, telling somebody what I've been through, and actually missing somebody; yer like my first to about everything and yew have never had the slightest clue."

2D smiled, he kissed him again then pulled away.

"Could yew try and be sober for a few days, just a few."

"Yeah I will, just for yew."

"Good so maybe I'll have yew for a little while then."

Murdoc kissed him; he placed a hand on the back of the singer's neck. He nipped at his bottom lip; he slid a hand up under his shirt touching along his lower stomach. He pushed the vocalist back on the floor; he sat on his lower stomach straddling him. 2D tangled his fingers in the older man's hair; the kiss deepened becoming more passionate. He moaned when the bassist hand travelled down lower going over his crotch, Murdoc rubbed the palm of his hand over him feeling the younger man go hard under his touch. 2D bucked his hips up needing more contact; the older man continued touching him the movement of his hand going from fast and firm to slow and relaxed. Murdoc broke from the kiss and began kissing and biting along his neck, he ran his tongue from the shell of the vocalist ear to the base of his neck before biting down into his shoulder making the blue haired man cry out and arch his back.

The Satanist took hold of the younger man's shirt pulling it up and over his head. He gripped tightly to 2D's hips his fingers pressing firmly against his skin, he began kissing and running his tongue down along his body tracing over cuts and bruises. He stopped at a bruise on the singer's lower stomach and began sucking on it, 2D moaned in response. Murdoc's hands travelled down under him grabbing onto his ass squeezing, the blue haired man bucked his hips. The bassist ran his tongue over the bulge in the taller man's jeans; he placed his mouth over the area his tongue pressing against the denim material. 2D tangled his fingers in the older man's hair giving a sharp tug; Murdoc lifted his head and smiled up at the singer. He unfastened the button of the pianist jeans then took the zipper between his teeth tugging it down.

He sat back on his knees and removed his shirt then began unfastening his pants. 2D pushed his jeans down to his ankles then kicked them off the rest of the way. He sat up and placed a hand on the back of the older man's neck pulling him into a rough kiss. He heard the sound of a zipper coming undone and a moment later Murdoc was pulling him onto his lap; he could feel the bassist erection pressing against his lower stomach. The green skinned man broke from the kiss; he pressed two fingers against the younger man's lips. 2D took the hint and took the two digits into his mouth wrapping his tongue around them caressing, he kept his eyes locked on the older man's. He slowly ran a hand down along the front of the bassist body; he wrapped his fingers around his cock and began stroking him. The older man let out a low growl his eyes still on the vocalist; he pulled his fingers out of the other man's mouth. Murdoc moved his hand under the younger man pushing a finger inside of him; he leaned forward kissing him as he moved his finger in and out of him slowly adding a second finger a moment later. 2D continued stroking the bassist, he moaned into the kiss when he felt the older man's fingers pressing against his prostate. Murdoc pulled his fingers out and looked up at the vocalist; 2D wrapped his arms around his neck and lowered himself onto the Satanist dick slowly easing him inside.

2D winced in pain and buried his face against the crook of the bassist neck. Murdoc ran a hand soothingly up and down his back; the blue haired man pulled up then pushed back down impaling himself again at the same slow pace. He felt the older man's lips against the side of his neck kissing softly trying to calm him, 2D let out a soft cry trying to ignore the pain that he was feeling. The older man lay him down on the floor and pulled out of him.

"I don't like hurting yew y'know." He whispered as he kissed down along the vocalist neck.

"I-it didn't 'urt t'at bad, please." The younger man begged.

Murdoc kissed him deeply his fingers tangling in his hair, 2D wrapped a leg around his back pulling the Satanist body down against him their erections rubbing together making both of them moan.

"Please"

"A'right just give me a minute."

He watched the older man stand up and go over to the bed picking up the orange bottles, small bags and shoving them in his dresser. He went back to where 2D lay on the floor and picked the vocalist up bridal style; he flung an arm around the older man's shoulders and buried his face against his chest. Murdoc lay him down on the bed; he got on top of him straddling his lap. He reached over to the night stand grabbing a small bottle; he opened the container and poured the liquid into the palm of his hand then rubbed it along his dick. He tossed the bottle to the floor then settled between the younger man's legs. He pushed two fingers inside of him, 2D's body tensed in response, but quickly relaxed as the older man's fingers slipped all the way inside of him and pushed up against his prostate sending that flare of pleasure through his body. He thrust his hips wanting to feel that sensation again; Murdoc pulled out then pushed back in hitting against the same spot.

"Feel good?" The Satanist asked grinning up at the singer.

2D nodded, he bit at his lower lip and thrust his hips. Murdoc pulled his fingers out then pushed them back in hitting the same spot harder this time, 2D's body jerked in response. The older man dipped his head down running his tongue along the length of the blue haired man's cock then pulled back. He removed his fingers from inside of him, Murdoc gripped tightly to 2D's hip with one hand while he used the other to guide himself inside of the younger man's body. The vocalist closed his eyes tightly and groaned at the pinching pain he felt as the older man slowly pushed inside of him. He opened his eyes when the older man stopped only half way inside, he groaned and bucked his hips needing more even if it hurt he just wanted to feel all of him. He craved him and needed him, these were the things that scared him and drove him out of his mind. Murdoc moved up placing a hand on the back of his head his fingers tangling in blue hair. He kissed the younger man hard; their tongues ran along each other as they kissed hungrily their hands roaming over each others bodies, and their nails digging into skin. Murdoc pulled out then pushed back in harder this time, 2D moaned into the kiss and dug his nails into the bassist shoulder blades. He wrapped his legs around Murdoc's waist pulling him closer, deeper. The older man's thrust got deeper and harder the head of his cock pushing against the blue haired man's prostate each time sending waves of pleasure through his body. 2D tossed his head back moaning and crying out the bassist name over and over, his eyes shut tightly and his toes dug into the Satanist back. Murdoc pulled him up onto his lap, 2D buried his face against the older man's chest. His legs were still wrapped around him, his nails digging into his skin as he thrust against the older man over and over meeting each of his hard thrust. He could feel Murdoc's hot breath against his ear and feel his hands gripping tightly onto his ass his fingers pushing against his skin as he moved against him. Their bodies were pressed together; 2D began kissing and biting along his neck. His cock rubbed against Murdoc's stomach, the friction was killing him, and he bit down hard into the other man's neck muffling his moans.

"Like this?" Murdoc asked his voice raspy.

"Y-yes, oh fu-fuck Mu'doc"

"Yer voice drives me insane ya know."

He felt the older man's hand on his dick squeezing and pumping him in time with their frantic thrusting. He continued going in time with his boyfriend trying to match his frantic pace, Murdoc kissed him hard swallowing each of 2D's moans and cries of pleasure as he came onto his stomach and chest. His muscles tightened, his body shook, and his breathing became ragged as he rode out his orgasm. He broke from the kiss and buried his face against the bassist chest; he continued thrusting against him his pace slower, his body growing tired. A few thrusts later and Murdoc was coming inside of him, he smiled to himself as he listened to his name fall from the bassist lips.

They stayed in that position for a moment until 2D pulled away; he laid back on the bed his eyes closed and a smile on his face. He felt Murdoc's fingers on his stomach going over bruises; he opened his eyes and looked down at his partner. The green skinned man's eyes were on his, he placed light kisses against his skin working his way up to his neck then to his lips kissing him slowly.

"Can I have yew like t'is forever?" 2D asked his voice tired.

He ran his fingers through the older man's shaggy hair.

"I want to, I really want to."

"I know t'at yer still in there, t'e yew I always knew…Not t'e one t'at yew keep saying yew are, yew aren't evil, and I know t'at for sure."

"Yew haven't known me long enough to say t'at mate." Murdoc replied shaking his head.

"I know yew, I dated yew for over five years, an' I know t'at this…The way yew have been lately isn't yew…This, this is yew though; the man who cares about me, loves me, and would never do anyfink to hurt me…This is yew an' I know t'at yew'll get through this."

Murdoc sat back and shook his head letting his hair fall over his eyes.

"Already told ya that yew can't save me, didn't I?"

"I know and I'm not going to try to anymore."

Murdoc looked at him, confused.

"I'm part of this, but it's somefink in yer mind. Yer going to have to solve this yerself and help yerself get out of it, I just hope yew can. I'll stay with yew for eternity, even if yew do end up hurting me really badly."

He knew what he meant by badly, some part of him feared in a small way that Murdoc would do the wrong drug and drink too much. Maybe in a fit of rage he would hit 2D too hard, he could possibly put him into another coma or kill him. It was a horrible thought and he hated it, but it was a possibility and he knew this. The sooner he came to accept that could happen the better he would be. By the look in Murdoc's eyes he understood exactly what 2D meant, he looked scared.

"I couldn' live with myself if I did that." He said his voice weak.

He reached out caressing the pianist cheek; 2D placed his hand over his.

"I know, its okay baby….Maybe that won't happen, eh? I'm just saying I'm wit' yew forever no matter wot happens."

"Yer too damn good for me Stu, God I really don't deserve yew."

2D pulled him down and kissed him, the older man placed his hands against his chest.

"Yes yew do, now c'mon let's get some sleep….If yew have a nightmare I'll wake yew up, I can at least save yew from that."

Murdoc smiled, he kissed him again then lay down next to him. 2D wrapped an arm around him holding him close; the bassist laid his head on his chest.

"I-I'll make it a week without the drugs, okay?"

"Yew don't have to."

"I-I know, I just want to."

2D kissed the top of his head.

"Thanks luv"

2D stayed awake for awhile at least until the older man's breathing evened out and his body relaxed telling him that he was asleep. He wondered how long he would sleep for; sometimes he could make it a couple hours if they were lucky. Either way he planned on being there to calm him if he had another nightmare, another bad memory from his past that tortured his mind.


	18. Chapter 18

He hadn't really slept so he wasn't really caught off guard when Murdoc's body tensed then began trembling as his nightmare took him over. The older man began whimpering; he pushed away from 2D and turned so his back was facing him. He pulled himself into the fetal position and placed his hands over his head, the whimpers turned into loud cries, and finally into pleas for whatever mental torture he was enduring to just end.

"Just fucking kill me!"

His voice came out shaky breaking near the end. 2D grabbed his shoulder and began shaking him gently; he turned the older man onto his back.

"Mu'doc, wake up"

The bassist shook his head; he reached out blindly smacking at the vocalist. 2D sat on his stomach holding him down, he took hold of his wrists trying to restrain him.

"Just end it, I can't fucking take this. Please just kill me dammit."

The blue haired man released his wrists; he bit at his bottom lip already feeling bad for what he was going to do. He smacked Murdoc hard across the face, the older man's arms dropped down to the bed, and his body stopped shaking. He opened his eyes and stared up at the singer, a look of confusion was etched into his features.

"Sorry"

The bassist touched his hand to his cheek feeling where the younger man had hit him.

"Did I hit yew?"

"No, yew didn', but I had to slap yew cause I couldn't get yew to just wake up."

"It's okay, thanks for that. Not really even sure what that nightmare was about, yew look really tired luv. Did yew get any sleep?"

2D shrugged and looked away.

"Not really, I kind of just sat up waiting to see if yew would have a nightmare or not."

"Ya should get some sleep, much better than waiting for me to freak out."

The blue haired man nodded and gave a small smile, he lay down on top of the bassist his head resting against his chest. His fingers played with the golden inverted cross. He thought over what Murdoc had said while he was having his nightmare, did he really want them to kill him? Maybe he never said that in Hell, maybe some of his nightmares were nothing more than that just made up terrors in his mind based off of things that had happened. The words scared him; the idea of the bassist actually wanting to die scared him.

"Did, did yew ever ask them to kill yew when yew were in Hell?" 2D asked feeling nervous about the question.

"Why?"

"When yew were having yer nightmare yew kept saying yew just wanted them to kill yew."

He felt the older man's fingers petting through his hair.

"A few times, I didn't really want to die. Just, God it got so bad sometimes the things they did to me nobody should be able to live through those things, but they made sure that I did. One time I nearly drowned in my own blood, I was…I figured I'd die anyways, but it hurt so fucking much. I just wanted put out of it, that pain."

"Then they would have just tortured yer soul wouldn' they?" 2D asked his voice soft, scared.

He couldn't help but imagine it, picture what they had done to him. The images in his mind scared him and made him hold onto the older man, in so many ways he wished he could take those memories from him. Even if he took them for himself, if that meant Murdoc would never have to relive those moments he would gladly do that for him.

"They would have, but when yew go there…Which I hope yew never do, but when yer there yew lose yer mind. Obviously I lost mine awhile ago, but yew just don't think. All yew want is for the pain to end, for that physical torment to just go away."

2D looked up at him; Murdoc was looking out the window. Everything about him looked distant like he was going back to that place again, losing his mind there.

"Wot if I go to hell though?"

"Then I'll do anything I can to protect yew and maybe find a way to get yew out. Sometimes I worry that me being with yew hurts yer chance of going back to Heaven." The older man said turning his attention back to the singer.

"I don't care about t'at, I just want yew."

Murdoc smiled sadly, he continued combing his fingers through 2D's hair.

"Do yew trust me?"

"I want to" 2D whispered, he placed his head on the older man's chest no longer wanting to look in his eyes.

He knew just how much this hurt him, but he couldn't help it. They were to the point that if they didn't take these calm almost peaceful moments to talk about these things and understand each other then the negative would only come out in the form of hateful comments during a fight.

"I'll wait forever y'know?"

"Wot if it never happens, like if I try, but I still can't trust yew?"

He wasn't sure why he was still talking; at this point he was speaking his doubts, and the things that worried him the most anymore.

"Will yew still be in love with me?"

2D thought over the question, he took hold of the bassist hand lacing their fingers together.

"I'm in love with yew right now and I've been in love with yew for a lot of years."

"Not really an answer pet."

"I-I don't know, I'm sorry."

His head was starting to hurt; he could feel that tightening in his chest. This hurt him so much; it had nothing to do with the things that Murdoc was asking him. It was just his answers to the questions, the things he had thought over for awhile now ever since things started getting bad. The thoughts he hoped weren't really true, but when it came time to talk about these things he realized he felt this way. That he didn't know if he could ever trust this man like he used to or if he would even love him in a year or two, he didn't even know if he would love him tomorrow.

"Its a'right, it's just how yew feel. I haven't given yew too many reasons to trust me or to love me, not lately. It's so weird how just over a year ago things were fine, how did we get here?"

2D continued staring at their hands, he thought about the past. He thought about the night he had come back to life; how horrified he had been waking up in that box. He had no idea where he was, he just started clawing away trying to escape the darkness. He smiled when he thought about the relief and joy he felt when Murdoc opened the coffin letting him out, how he feared it was just a dream. He never wanted to let go of him, he just wanted to hold onto him forever, and hope it wasn't just a dream.

"I don't know, maybe we can get there again." 2D said hopefully.

He knew better, but he liked being positive even if at times he didn't mean it.

"It can't happen, the way yew look at me, and the times where yew can't even look at me. The way that yew say that yew love me, we can't go back, or have anything like we used to."

2D turned his head pressing his lips against Murdoc's chest.

"Maybe we'll have somefink better."

"Sometimes I really wish that I was like yew, I know yew get depressed as hell a lot, but yew still keep these positive thoughts. It's one of the things I've always loved about yew, even if the times when yer sad it scares me."

"Why does it scare yew, everybody gets sad."

"It's just; it's always hurt me seeing yew like that. Especially when I didn't want to care about yew, I would want to check on yew, or ask if yew were actually okay. I didn't though, because I thought that'd be weak or gay. Then when I read yer diary it made me feel worse about a lot of things I did and didn't do."

2D looked up at the older man and smiled, Murdoc stared at him blankly.

"Thought yew never read my diary?"

"W-well I mi-might have read, scanned over a few things in the damned book." He said returning the singer's smile.

"Liar" 2D replied rolling his eyes.

"Yer still a girl for having one."

2D leaned in kissing him.

"I promise I'll trust yew again."

"I promise I won't run away." Murdoc replied a sad look on his face.

He wondered how much of this was nothing more than empty promises; almost everything they said to one another anymore felt that way. There was rarely any comfort in the things Murdoc would say to him and the promises he made. He knew his own words came out the same way, anymore they were just clinging onto each other trying to keep from drowning. When they held each other, when they had sex, when they kissed, or just laid in bed together it was nothing like it had been before. Now it was like they were fighting against each other, the world, and trying to keep the other from drowning in their demons. Both of them realized this, but they never wanted to admit to this. They were content keeping quiet, talking over problems that they didn't think they could resolve, and slipping into the rare moments where they faked and pretended everything was okay. 2D enjoyed the false security of these times, as long as Murdoc stayed away from the alcohol and the drugs then he would have them. He would have these comfortable lies where even if it was just for a moment he could close his eyes and pretend they were back at Kong. He could pretend Hell and death never happened, that they were all still family, and that these doubts weren't dwelling inside of him. Sometimes Murdoc scared him, his anger, and his threats of leaving. Mostly 2D scared himself, his thoughts that maybe this couldn't work, that maybe they should just…

He couldn't even allow himself to finish that thought. He buried his face against Murdoc's chest; the older man wrapped an arm around him holding him against him. 2D squeezed his hand looking for some reassurance away from his mind, for everything in the world he wished his thoughts would just stop.


	19. Chapter 19

"Is cocaine the only fing yew do?"

It was the last thing 2D really wanted to talk about, but he knew that he needed to. Murdoc had managed to not do drugs for two days now; it was a nice change actually. He still had his moments of keeping to himself, his nightmares continued, and sometimes he did get agitated easily. For the most part though he was fine, almost like he was back to normal; 2D could tell there was something there, something holding him back in the darkness.

"It's nothing yew need to worry 'bout luv." The green skinned man replied shrugging the question off.

He reached into his jeans pocket pulling out an orange bottle, he handed it to the younger man. 2D looked at the label noticing they were his pain killers he had tossed at the bassist a few days ago when they had been fighting.

"Don't worry I didn't take any of them." He said giving a small smile.

"Yew didn't have to give t'ese back."

"Yew need them more than I do, when did yew start getting yer headaches again anyways?"

"When yew left" The vocalist said his voice soft.

It had been weird, for five years he hadn't had a single headache. The day that Murdoc went to Hell they started coming back almost worse than they had been before if that was even possible. He figured it was due to stress and his anxiety, but even after Murdoc returned the headaches continued. He mostly got them after or during one of their fights or times like right now when they talked about anything that could possibly lead to a fight.

"Do yew ever thing about leaving me?" Murdoc asked not really looking at the other man.

2D tensed at the question, he knew he should just give an automatic denial. There shouldn't be a pause or a thought about it, but he had thought over it. He looked at their relationship and what it had evolved into, the mess everything had become. He didn't know if he could live like this, if it would ever get better. He always told Murdoc he would never leave and anytime the bassist even hinted at leaving the blue haired man he would feel scared. He feared being alone, he could get with another man, but he didn't want anybody else. He didn't know where things with them were going if anywhere, he knew in another day or two Murdoc would start doing drugs again. In another day or two the fights would start up again and he would lose him all over again, it was like he never even left Hell.

"No of course not."

He tried to look into the older man's eyes, he tried to keep his voice steady, but he feared that Murdoc could see through him. The look in the Satanist eyes worried him, they could read each other so well and sometimes it was in the worst of ways. He hated lying; he hated thinking that was the truth. Sometimes he did just want to run away from all of this, there were so many horrible things that could go wrong between them that he didn't know if he could handle. He wanted to tell Murdoc about his fears, but he couldn't get himself to, instead he kept them inside.

"Ya suck at lying"

"I'm not lying"

He didn't even look at him this time. He stared down at the bed; his fingers traced mindless patterns along the red sheets. This was just another thing that he didn't want to bring up, another thing he never wanted to talk about.

"Don't bull shit me 'D, I know yew."

"No yew don't know me." 2D said glaring up at the older man.

"I've known yew since yew were in college, granted yew were in a coma for a year."

"Yew missed a year and a half, maybe I changed some in t'at time."

Murdoc smirked.

"Its a'right if yew think about dumping me, this isn't perfect….hell this isn't even good."

"I don't want to leave yew, I can't leave yew."

"Does this have anything to do with me bringing yew back, because if that's the only reason yew don't want to leave me…"

"No t'at isn't….I don't know, I didn't even….I didn't even know wot I wanted from yew before I died, wot I expected. I t'ought t'at if yew didn't get mad at me for kissing yew t'en yew'd just use me and I was okay wit' t'at because at least that was somefink. After I came back an' when yew told me yew love me, it was weird. I felt like yew meant it and it just…."

He trailed off as he drowned in his memories. He had worshiped the bassist before his death, no matter what Murdoc did to him he still looked up to him. After being brought back from his grave that mind set had grown stronger, it changed things.

"Do yew still think that I mean it?"

"Mean wot?" 2D whispered trying to play dumb.

"Yew aren't that dumb, stop acting like yew are." Murdoc said his voice stern.

"I, I fink t'at yew want to mean it. Kind of like 'ow I want to trust yew."

The room fell silent, a heavy horrible silence that made 2D want to bolt for the door. He couldn't even force himself to look up at Murdoc to see his expression, to try and read his emotions.

"I would give the world to yew; I would do every idiotic cliché thing in the world for yew. I would even die for yew an' I know those words mean nothing as long as yew don't trust me or even believe I'm in love with yew. I know all of these things before I even ask yew; I know yew love me and even though yew say other wise I know that yew meant it when yew said yew wish yew were still dead."

"Mu'doc…"

"Don't, okay?"

He could feel his head starting to hurt, he felt like he was caught in a nightmare. It was a nightmare that had been going on for the longest time, it seemed like it had no end. He wanted to get rid of his doubts and his fears; he wanted to force himself into trusting and believing the man sitting across from him. If he knew a way to do that or at least a way to lie better until he could really feel those things again like the way that he used to then he would.

"I'm gonna go out for awhile, I'll be back in a couple of hours." Murdoc said getting up off of the bed.

He kissed 2D on the top of the head; the singer never looked in his direction. He continued staring downwards; he listened to the sound of the front door going shut. He gave it a few minutes then he laid back on the bed his black eyes staring up at the ceiling. He wasn't sure which was bothering him the most; the pain growing slowly but surely in his head or the depressing emotions that were filling him like water filling his lungs, drowning him.


	20. Chapter 20

2D waited around most of the evening for the older man to come back home. Once or twice he considered going out and looking for him, but Noodle was currently borrowing Stylo because her own car had broken down. He would just continue to wait, he had tried to sleep for awhile, but it hadn't worked. Every little sound woke him up and when he did manage to sleep it was restless and his dreams made him uneasy and depressed. He ended up waking up and going into the living room trying to watch TV to take his mind off of things, it didn't work. The television programs only seemed to be background noise lost to his loud painful thoughts. He shouldn't have said anything, but even without speaking Murdoc could read him. Sometimes he doubted the Satanist intelligence as much as he did with 2D's; it was a fault both of them were guilty of. Maybe if they spent their days thinking the other wasn't that intelligent then nothing could ever hurt.

The sound of his cell phone ringing caught him off guard, he pulled the phone from his pocket and stared at it almost like he couldn't recognize the object that he held in his hand. By the third ring he pressed the talk button and held it up to his ear.

"Where are yew at?" 2D asked his voice coming out bored.

"I-I'm at, t-that pub uh fuck…Well near it, it's like twenty minutes from yer place." Murdoc rambled on the other end.

The blue haired man leaned back against the couch and ran his fingers back through his messed hair.

"So why are yew calling me for?"

He was surprised by the annoyance in his voice.

"W-well I need y-ye-yew to uh pick me up….C-can't really walk home yew see…"

"Noodle has t'e car, I can't drive there."

"Well I-I can't walk an-and I'm fucking broke."

2D sighed heavily then got up from the couch; he made his way out the front door and out into the cold outside world. The wind blew sending cold chills through his body; he wrapped an arm around himself.

"Fine I'll come pick yew up, just stay where yew are, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah…Ca-can't really go anywhere" Murdoc mumbled before hanging up.

The singer turned his phone off and shoved it pack into his pocket. He began walking down the sidewalk looking around for the green skinned man. He wasn't angry, right now he felt…God he didn't even know how he felt; it was like this almost numb feeling. For days his mind had been doing this; going from a depressive state to one of a chilled numbness that felt like he would drown in it. Every emotion he had felt like it was killing him; he wanted so desperately to get out of this. He wanted Murdoc to pull him from it; Murdoc was the one who used to rescue him. 2D didn't know how he was even managing to pretend he was strong enough to take care of himself and somebody else, to tell another human that things were alright when he wasn't even sure of that. It was one of the reasons he thought maybe it was good if they just ended this, but then the aching in his chest started again with that thought. These thoughts, these negative thoughts plagued his mind almost constantly; almost. There were the calm moments when neither of them spoke, the moments when they touched, and kissed like they would die if they ever stopped. Those were the moments he could feel it, they both could feel it. He wasn't sure if they were more scared to say they felt that tug telling them they couldn't survive without each other or if they feared how much harm they could do to each other while together.

It was something he knew they should talk about, but their conversations never ended right. They ended with somebody hurt; 2D in his room crying, Murdoc stoned in his room, or going to pubs and drinking until he couldn't even walk back home. The only thing 2D could think was that he was grateful they didn't currently have a car, if he had to worry about the bassist drinking and driving it'd drive him insane. That's the one thing that scared him the most about being with him, about his drug usage, depression, rage, and his drinking….What if one day something happened or one day he took something too far?

2D knew that Murdoc nearly lost his mind after the singer's death, but he was strong enough to keep going. To even find a way to bring him back, 2D could never do that. He knew nothing about rituals and he had spent a good portion of his life living with Murdoc. He could go live with his friends again, he wouldn't do that though. He would lock himself up in his room and just wait to waste away. He wondered if the older man's death would hurt less if he wasn't around to witness it. It was one of the reasons he sometimes didn't sleep, he would have nightmares about it. He considered telling the Satanist about these night terrors, but Murdoc had more important things to deal with. Memories and the demons always chasing after him in his mind, 2D's nightmares weren't anything worth mentioning. It'd probably only push him farther away; he really hated having to pretend he was the strong one.

It didn't take too long until 2D spotted the bassist leaning back against a building with his head bowed and his hand over his face. He approached the Satanist quickly; once he was closer he noticed the blood seeping through the material of his blue jeans on his right leg above his knee. There were marks on his arms and his hair was messed up like it had been pulled at, 2D placed a hand on his shoulder. Murdoc looked up at him his eyes blood shot; he had a busted lip, bleeding nose, and a blackened eye. The singer ran his fingers across a bruise on his cheek looking over the damage done; at least now he understood why he thought he couldn't get home.

"Yew got in another fight didn' yew?"

Murdoc pushed his hand away and nodded.

"Sorry" He whispered looking back down towards the ground.

"Wot happened t'is time?"

"I-I didn't do anything back."

"Yew mean fighting?"

Murdoc shook his head; he sat down on the pavement pulling his legs up against himself. 2D sat down in front of him, people passing by glanced in their direction.

"Wot t'en?"

"A gu-guy he, he started buying me drinks ya know…Th-then he started hitting on me and then he started touching me and kept trying to kiss my neck…I-I was gonna tell him to fu-fuck off, but then some other guys saw and kind of well picked a fight with me. One of the bastards pulled me by my hair an-and the other punched me in the face. I managed to kick the guy punching me between the legs, tried to get away, and ended up falling against a table, falling, and landing on some glass….Fucking leg burns, not the worst I've had though."

"Wot about the guy who was flirting wit' yew?"

"Bastard ran out when those two guys started beating on me, I'm really sorry Stu. I swear I…I-I didn't do anything back, I swear." Murdoc said finally meeting 2D's eyes.

He looked scared; the younger man managed a small smile wanting to comfort him. This was another one of those lines; neither of them would ever say they hated the other and neither of them would ever cheat.

"I believe yew; I know t'at yew would never cheat on me. Do yew fink yew could try to walk?" 2D asked standing to his feet.

He offered his hand out to the Satanist, Murdoc took hold of his hand holding tightly as he pulled himself to his feet. He stumbled and nearly fell but 2D managed to grab him around the waist and hold him up. The bassist wrapped an arm around his shoulders and leaned against the vocalist side, as they walked he noticed the older man not even trying to walk on his injured leg.

"Do yew hate me?"

2D looked down at the bassist wondering where the question came from.

"No, I don't hate yew."

"I feel like shit, are we almost home?"

"A few more minutes."

"Yew should break up with me o-or I'll…I'll break up with yew."

2D continued walking pulling the older man along with him, he watched the cars passing by, and took a moment to look at the people staring at them. He focused on anything other than what the older man was saying. He never responded to the statement, he just hoped it was more drunken rambling. He was beyond grateful when they finally made it home, once inside he sat the bassist down on the couch then went back to the bathroom to get items to clean the blood off. When he returned to the living room the black haired man was pressing his fingers against the blood stain on his jeans wincing at the pain each time he pressed against the wound. 2D kneeled down in front of him and smacked the bassist hand away, Murdoc glared at him.

He began cleaning the blood from his face looking over the bruises and the few cuts. It was the first fight he had been in for awhile; it also looked like it was the most damage received from one. He knew Murdoc didn't cheat on him and never would, but he still couldn't get over what he had said. Why did he think Murdoc of all people would never cheat? The idea of that nearly seemed idiotic, especially with how much he doubted the Satanist lately. Maybe it was just one of the few times he had to believe him or he just wanted to believe him this once.

"Do yew think I flirted back with that bloke?"

2D continued looking over his bruised and cut up skin, he rolled up the leg of his jeans looking at the deep cuts in his skin. He began washing the blood away doing his best to not press the cloth against the area too hard.

"No"

"Fuckin' liar" Murdoc said laughing.

"Did yew?"

"I told yew t'at I fucking didn't do anything, the disgusting bastard came onto me."

2D sat the cloth to the side; he got up from the floor and sat down on the edge of the coffee table.

"So?" The singer asked finally meeting the older man's eyes.

He could see the anger and frustration along with the fear that almost always shone in those eyes of his.

"So I didn't fucking cheat on yew, I never touched him." He snapped back.

"Right, do I even have to mention who yew are; how do I know yew didn' kiss him or touch him somewhere?"

He almost felt angry; he wasn't sure what he was hoping for.

"Fine don't fucking believe me. Anybody will fucking tell yew t'at when yew died whoever I used to be died, I would never hurt yew like that."

2D felt a chill run up his spine at the intensity in the older man's eyes. He believed him, he knew that he did, but yet he still wanted to fight him on this. He felt frustrated, he hated the fighting so much, but he had so much built up inside of him.

"Yew hit me, knock me out, and call me names so it's okay to hurt me in those ways?"

"I don't mean it"

"Right, yew just do it cause the drugs make yew do it."

"Just drop it about the drugs, yew used to steal from my stash all the fucking time when the band started yew fucking liar."

"I'm not a fucking junkie like yew. All yew do is lie, yew don't fucking care about me, yew brought me back because yew felt fucking guilty, yew only went to Hell because yew felt like yew had to, and how could I even believe that yew fucking love me?" 2D yelled angrily, tears rolled down his cheeks.

He could feel the pounding in his head, he felt dizzy, and once the words were spoken the room fell silent. He felt exhausted and cold on the outside and on the inside; over half of his doubts had been spoken. This was the last thing he had wanted, another fight; he was so tired of fighting, he knew the both of them were. It was the only thing they knew how to do lately, they would fight, and once the fights were over it felt like nothing have been resolved. This was just another one of those times where they fought against each other with barely any control over their words or actions. The silence in the room was nearly torture, he couldn't stand it. He wanted to say something else, but he didn't trust himself to speak anymore. Anything that he said would come out wrong; nothing would make up for any of the hurtful things he had said. He wished he could just stop saying these things, thinking them, and believing they were true. This was one of the times he could say he wish he was still dead, Hell maybe Murdoc would have stopped grieving eventually. It wasn't like 2D was that vitally important in his life; he'd been alright before the singer so why wouldn't he be alright without 2D a second time?

"Aren't yew gonna say somefink?" The blue haired man asked he had his eyes cast downwards focusing on the floor.

"I'm too wasted an' exhausted for this shit."

Murdoc smacked him hard on the back of the head as he walked past the singer. 2D closed his eyes; he flinched when he heard the bassist bedroom door slam shut followed by the sound of the lock clicking. He sat there for a couple of minutes listening to the near silence of the house, he almost felt alone. He got up and made his way back to his own room; he paused outside of the older man's door for a bit as he tried to listen in. He could faintly hear the stereo playing, he thought he could hear crying, but he wasn't really sure.

2D went into his own room and flopped down on the bed, he curled up on his side facing the wall. He laid there thinking, he wasn't able to stay on one topic for long. His mind just continued racing through everything, sometimes he really felt like he wasn't living in reality. This felt like another world that couldn't be real; he wasn't sure who was fucking things up more by this point. He wanted to find that middle ground where they could fix things, he wanted to know how long until they would break, and what would have to happen in order for them to start healing again. He didn't even know if they could heal, every day it seemed like continuing to break apart. Nearly every conversation started or ended with a fight; if it wasn't physical then it was verbal. He was sort of wishing for physical, he rather have the Satanist beating him up than what they were currently doing. He couldn't handle the lack of trust or his growing fears, he already knew this wasn't going to end well he just didn't know in which way it would end.

His troubled mind eventually allowed him to slip into sleep, not a peaceful one. Lately there hadn't been any peaceful sleeping, in just seconds the nightmares that bothered him seeped into his mind taunting him for another night.


	21. Chapter 21

The vocalist woke with a start; he sat up pulling his legs up against himself, and wrapping his arms around them. His breathing was ragged and tears were rolling down his cheeks. The dream was still replaying itself over and over again in his mind; his body trembled as he began crying harder. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, shakily hoping he could calm himself. He lowered his head hiding his face from view, the darkness of his bedroom felt like it was going to swallow him whole. He wished that the nightmare would disappear from his mind; he couldn't get the image of the bassist limp body lying on the floor out of his mind. It was just a horrible nightmare and it wasn't like it was the first one, it wasn't real. What scared him about the nightmare was what if one day it was real?

He felt the weight of the mattress shift, a moment later he felt fingers running through his hair. He pulled away from the touch; he tried to stop crying again, but failed.

"Stuart what's going on, I heard yew freaking out."

2D lifted his head and stared at the older man who looked at him with worry.

"I-it's nofink" He muttered trying to keep his voice steady.

"Will yew stop lying to me?"

"I had a nightmare, a-about yew."

More tears ran down his face as the images still went through his mind. Murdoc's fingers were still combing through his hair trying to soothe him and pull him to reality.

"Wanna tell me 'bout it?"

2D shook his head; he moved over to the Satanist. He wrapped his arms around his waist and buried his face against his chest, Murdoc held him closely. He had a hand on the back of the singer's head and the other on the small of his back. He felt stupid for crying over a nightmare, he felt stupid for nearly everything that had been going on lately. He wanted to get over it, to just pretend that his nightmare was no big deal, but he couldn't get himself to do that. The only thing he could do was curl up against the bassist and focus on the fingers going through his hair. He liked feeling him and knowing that he was alive and here, that the dream was nothing more than just a dream.

"Could yew talk, I don't really care wot yew say I just wanna hear yer voice."

"Yeah, sure luv; look I'm sorry about…Well everything, a'right? All I've done is fuck things up really badly with yew and it just gets worse. I hate seeing yew cry, especially when I'm the reason that yer doing it. I keep forgettin' how special yew are to me. It took me so long to get everything just right to bring yew back, I swore that I would take care of yew, and I also swore on the night yew died that I wouldn't let yew die."

Murdoc laughed and shook his head.

"Guess I fuck up any promise I make to ya, sorry about that. Yew are the only person I have ever been in love with, the only person I've dated, and actually stayed committed to. I don't mean to hurt yew, it just happens…I guess that it's just in my nature to do that, not like it makes it okay. I don't mean a lot of the things I say to yew when I'm mad, but I know the things yew say yew mean those things. I don't blame yew for that and actually I'm happy that yew say ya want to run away from me. I know yew won't, that's what I hate…No matter what I do or say yew won't run away from me, ya may think that yew would, but I know better. I hate that I know better…I should have just stayed gone, I know yew miss me….Yew still miss me, ya barely fucking have me."

The younger man closed his eyes; he curled his fingers against the older man's body.

"I swore I'd treat yew right when I brought yew back. I honestly didn't think Hell would change me, at all actually. I wonder if yew would have moved on and got with somebody else if I never came back, for awhile that kind of worried me, but I hoped that yew would. Never really figured I'd be in love with the boy I hit with my car, weird how things work….Yer such a moron for loving me back and even more of one for thinking I don't really love yew. I don't want to believe I love yew, I never have wanted to believe it; at first because I didn't want to love another bloke, then because it was just too fucking late to tell yew, and anymore it's because yew don't deserve the curse of me loving yew."

More tears fell from the vocalist eyes as he listened to Murdoc talk.

"I had a dream that yew died." 2D said his voice quiet, the words sounded strange.

The concept itself seemed almost impossible.

"That's why yer crying?"

The blue haired man nodded slowly, he still refused to move. He wanted to be as close as he could to his boyfriend, he wanted to feel his arms around him, and remember that this was reality.

"It was just a dream, I'm right here. It scared the hell out of me when I heard yew in here crying, always hated when yew cried…its a'right, c'mon no reason to cry anymore. I'm right here; I've got yew even if that isn't the greatest comfort in the world."

"I don't want yew to die"

"Even after all of this; is it just because yew don't wanna be alone?"

"I don' wanna be without yew, I don't know wot to do without yew."

He felt lost; he had never been one to really survive without somebody else around. In the past he could be happy with having his family around or his friends, but ever since he met Murdoc he had relied on him. His parents had hated the change; they had told him in every nice way they could possibly manage that 2D should find better friends. That he didn't need to hang around something like Murdoc, they even had reminded him repeatedly about the two car accidents almost like he couldn't realize that on his own. He knew the Satanist was screwed up, that he was vulgar, angry, almost always drunk, and was a bad influence. It never bothered him; he only clung onto him because of those things. He looked up to him, relied on him, looked after him, and finally fell in love with him. Now here they were years later finally in a relationship, if he looked at it in the right way they had been together for nearly seven years now. He knew back then that things wouldn't stay perfect for long; he had five years of that. This was the downfall; he just wished he could see what direction this would take for the ending.

"I'm not gonna be around forever, but I'm here now."

"I'm stupid for crying over a dream." 2D muttered.

"No yew aren' luv, I'm right here though. I'll be here with yew for as long as I can, as long as yew want me around….Come on no more tears, look at me."

The blue haired man lifted his head, he met the older man's eyes and tried to fake a smile, but it only resulted in more tears falling from his eyes.

"I love yew" Murdoc said his voice sincere; he leaned in kissing the singer slowly.

2D kissed back immediately, he craved the older man's touch. For the first time in what felt like ages he actually believed him completely, he felt safe, and secure. He knew this wouldn't last forever, but for right now he felt it. The bassist fingers ran across his cheeks wiping his tears away, he pulled away from the kiss and smiled at the younger man.

"Do yew believe me this time?"

"I do, please never leave me."

"I promise"

2D kissed him at the same slow pace from before; he tangled his fingers in the bassist hair. He lay back on the bed pulling the green skinned man down on top of him.

"I do not fucking deserve yew."

"Yes yew do, I'm sorry 'bout everyfink….I really love yew Mu'doc, I know t'at yew didn' cheat on me."

"Good; I would never do something like that to yew….I've never considered it, not for a second."

"Yew really did change a lot." 2D said smiling.

"Yer death shook me up, a lot."

"I still can't believe I'm t'at important."

Murdoc kissed him quickly.

"Yew really have no clue how important yew really are to me."

"Yew could show me"

Murdoc sat back and smirked down at the singer; 2D placed his hands on the older man's chest running his fingers down along his body over each scar and bruise.

"Later luv, head still kinda hurts from that idiot punching me."

The blue haired man sat up, he tried to look at the bruises on the older man's face, but could barely see them in the dimly lit room.

"How's yer leg?"

"Eh not too bad, kinda stings; sorry I made yew come pick me up."

The singer shrugged, he wrapped his arms around the other man.

"Its okay, I'm not angry at yew anymore so it doesn' really matter."

"Do yew really think this will get better?"

2D buried his face in the crook of the bassist neck inhaling the heavy scent of cigarettes and cologne.

"I don' know, I want it to get better….I'll wait as long as I have to, I really will."

"I know; no matter what happens I just want yew to know that I'm thankful for everything yew have done for me."

The Satanist held him tightly, 2D looked out the window; he watched the sky lighten as the sun started to rise. He pulled back and kissed Murdoc again passionately, he knotted his fingers in his hair. He wanted to live out his days this way.


	22. Chapter 22

The two of them lay on the bed together in total silence. Sometimes the bassist would kiss and bite at his neck while his right hand ran down the vocalist chest. 2D closed his eyes and leaned his head back smiling softly at the feeling of the tip of the older man's tongue caressing his skin. Murdoc's hand slid up under his shirt, nails lightly raking over his stomach. The bassist hand went up further, his fingers brushed over the blue haired man's left nipple causing him to moan. Murdoc gave a soft bite to the side of his neck; he rubbed his thumb over 2D's erected nipple eliciting more low moans from the taller man. The Satanist sat up; he grabbed the hem of the younger man's shirt and began pulling it up his body. 2D sat up removing it the rest of the way, Murdoc pushed him back down against the bed and began trailing his tongue down along the front of his throat. He moved his hand from 2D's stomach down to his groin; the younger man bucked his hips. Murdoc bit against the nape of his neck, he began rubbing the palm of his hand against the vocalist growing erection through the material of his jeans. The Satanist kissed along his chest, he flicked his tongue over 2D's right nipple. The younger man looked down at him watching him with fascination; the older man kissed down his stomach.

He lifted his head and smirked up at the vocalist, he groped at 2D's crotch eliciting another moan from him. He sat back and quickly unfastened the younger man's pants; he pulled them off of him and dropped them to the floor. He dipped his head down running his tongue from the base to the head of 2D's dick then pulling back. He wrapped his fingers around the other man's shaft giving two quick strokes. He took the head of 2D's cock into his mouth, the tip of his tongue prodding against the slit. The blue haired man tangled his fingers in Murdoc's hair; the older man looked up at him meeting his eyes. He took more of the other man's dick into his mouth sucking harder; he moved his hand from his erection to his balls rubbing at them. 2D propped himself up on his elbow, his eyes were still locked on the green skinned man. He moaned loudly as the Satanist tongue ran up along the underside of his cock then circled the head of it. Murdoc pulled back some, he wrapped his tongue around the younger man's length, the tip of his tongue circling the head. 2D tugged at his hair; Murdoc took him back inside his mouth sucking hard. 2D tossed his head back and thrust his hips upward completely lost to the feeling of the older man's mouth around him. Murdoc placed his hands against his hips pushing his body down against the bed, he pulled back completely. He ran his tongue around the base of 2D's dick then down to his balls. The singer whimpered and moaned as the bassist tongue caressed his balls. Murdoc ran a hand to his inner thigh digging his finger tips against his flesh as he pushed at his leg. 2D spread his legs; the older man moved up his body and kissed him passionately. The singer wrapped his legs around his lower back pulling him down against him.

"This would be better if yew took yer clothes off." 2D said he tugged at the front of the older man's shirt.

The Satanist got up from the bed and began removing his clothes; he looked up at the vocalist and smirked.

"Wot?" 2D asked smiling shyly.

"Anytime I take my clothes off ya watch me." He said as he began unfastening his pants.

"I like how yer body looks, I always have."

Murdoc laughed and got back on the bed, 2D wrapped his arms around his neck and leaned up kissing him. The bassist placed his hand between them and began stroking the younger man; the singer moaned into the kiss and thrust his hips forward. 2D broke away from the kiss, he began kissing and running his tongue along the older man's neck. He heard a drawer open followed by the bassist searching around, a moment later the Satanist was pushing him back down against the bed. Murdoc opened the bottle and squeezed the lube into the palm of his hand; he rubbed it over his dick then tossed the container to the floor. He grabbed onto the younger man's hips pulling his body closer; he slipped two fingers inside of him, he pulled half way out then pushed back in brushing against the other man's prostate. 2D dug his fingers into the older man's shoulders; he leaned up kissing him roughly. Murdoc pulled his fingers out from inside of him; he placed a hand on the back of 2D's kiss holding him still as he kissed him passionately. He slowly pushed his dick inside of him stopping half way allowing the younger man to adjust. 2D wrapped a leg around his back pulling him closer, the older man pulled out then pushed back in. The blue haired man leaned his head back, his eyes closed tightly; Murdoc kissed along his neck, his fingers ran up and down along his side. The bassist pulled out then pushed back in his pace still slow doing his best not to hurt the other man more than he already was. 2D dug his fingers into his shoulders his nails biting into his skin, Murdoc thrust into him harder this time hitting against the singer's prostate sending shocks of pleasure through his body. The younger man leaned his head back against the bed his eyes shut tightly as he moaned out the Satanist name. Murdoc bit into his shoulder, he pulled out then thrust back inside of him harder this time. 2D's fingers tangled in his hair yanking his head back, he leaned up kissing him his tongue pushing inside of his mouth. The bassist moaned into the kiss, he continued thrusting hard into the other man going faster as 2D met his quickened pace.

2D took hold of his own dick and began stroking himself, Murdoc smacked his hand away; the blue haired man made a frustrated sound and glared up at the bassist.

"Not yet luv"

He knotted his fingers in the singer's hair pulling his head back; he ran his tongue along the side of his neck before biting hard. The throbbing in his dick was driving him insane and each time the bassist hit against his prostate it made him feel like he was going to go over the edge. Murdoc's pace slowed down, 2D bucked his hips.

"Faster, please"

The Satanist laughed before biting against his neck, he pulled out then thrust inside of him hard. 2D moaned loudly tossing his head back, he felt frustrated when after two hard thrusts Murdoc slowed down again his pace almost teasing.

"C'mon please Mu'doc."

"Come on what?"

"Harder, I-I wan' yew to fuck me harder." 2D begged feeling embarrassed.

He could feel himself blushing especially when Murdoc laughed in response to his plea.

"Ya know t'at yer blushing right now?" He asked smiling at the younger man.

"Shuddup, jerk." 2D muttered looking away.

Murdoc kissed along his neck, his fingers ran lightly up along his erection making the vocalist shudder.

"Jus' trying to make it last luv."

2D felt relief rush through him when the Satanist picked up his pace. They kissed hungrily; the singer's fingers were tangled in Murdoc's hair, his legs wrapped around his back as he tried to pull his body down closer. The older man's hands were on his ass, his pace was fast, and he had the younger man's body pulled up against him. Murdoc broke from the kiss and buried his face in the crook of the blue haired man's neck, his pace became more frantic, and soon he was coming inside of the singer. He pulled out and moved down 2D's body, he wrapped his fingers around his dick and gave a few quick strokes before taking it into his mouth sucking slowly.

"Fuck" 2D whispered his eyes set on the bassist.

He watched as the older man's head bobbed up and down his dick, his tongue ran up and down along the under side as he sucked harder taking more into his mouth. 2D placed a hand on the back of his head urging him to take in more, he moaned when the Satanist tongue wrapped around him putting pressure on his cock bringing him closer to the edge. He could feel the tightening in his stomach as he got closer; he closed his eyes his breath coming out heavy and ragged as he came inside the older man's mouth.

2D lay back against the bed trying to catch his breath; he opened his eyes and looked down at Murdoc. The older man was looking up at him a small smile on his face; he pressed his lips against the singer's right hip before resting his head against his stomach. 2D combed his fingers through his sweaty black hair, the older man's fingers rubbed gently against his side.

"If I go to sleep will yew wake me up if I have a nightmare?" Murdoc asked his voice soft.

"Yeah pet don' worry 'bout it, I'll wake yew up."

"Thanks"

2D watched him for awhile waiting until he was pretty sure the bassist was asleep. He liked when he could actually save him from his nightmares, it gave him some small feeling of accomplishment. He felt completely useless when Murdoc was in Hell, but he felt somewhat useful if he could save him from his nightmares. It felt like that was the only thing he could rescue him from, he thought about the battles the bassist was going through. The drugs, the drinking, the memories he was dealing with, and his fits of rage that came more often lately. He wondered how long he could go on like that, would he actually get better?

It seemed like he didn't even want to try anymore, like he just wanted to give into the darkness taking over his mind. Some days it seemed like maybe he was trying, like he was wiling to admit he was developing a problem with drugs, and violence. A moment later he went right back into it, 2D knew it wouldn't be too long until he was back to doing that again. He would be back to locking himself up inside of his room, blaring old records in hopes of 2D not being able to guess what was going on inside of his room. Sometimes it was like he really thought the blue haired man was too stupid to figure out such simple things. Hell maybe he didn't even want to face what he was doing to himself, 2D looked down at him; he always looked so beautiful when he was sleeping. It was hard to believe that when he was awake he was nothing but a walking battle ground trying to hurt himself or those around him. Right now he was calm and peaceful, but even that would be broken. The moment those nightmares started he would begin whimpering and his legs would begin kicking. The singer was here to wake him up, to save him from Hell. He knew for the rest of his life his mind would be haunted by the image of seeing him crawl out of that pit, how terrified he looked, and how bloodied he was. Maybe they should have taken him to a hospital or some place; he needed some form of outside help. Not like he'd willingly agree to that, not like a doctor would understand, or be able to help. Murdoc would have to lie too much to e able to get any help from somebody, more damage would be done than good.

The Satanist whimpered and his brow furrowed, 2D could feel the older man's body tense as he entered a nightmare. The blue haired man sat up; he shook the bassist shoulder trying to wake him up.

"Come on, Mu'doc wake up. Come out of it pet, it's just a nightmare."

He continued shaking his shoulder until the shorter man's eyes slowly opened. He looked around the room confused and scared; he sat up and looked up at the singer. 2D gently touched his cheek; Murdoc moved away from him and averted his eyes. He ran his fingers back through his greasy hair and shook his head. He got out of bed and pulled his jeans on; he went over to the door but turned around looking at the younger man sadly.

"I'm sorry" He said his voice soft; he averted his eyes like he was ashamed.

"Yeah, I know" 2D replied.

With that Murdoc left the room shutting the door behind him. A few minutes later he could hear metal music blaring from the bassist bedroom, he felt that dread inside of him knowing that now things were back to the darkness. He grabbed his boyfriend's shirt up from the floor and pulled it on; he curled up on his bed pulling his legs up against himself. He considered going to sleep, but it felt impossible to do such a thing. Instead he lay there listening to the music playing in the other room wondering exactly what ways Murdoc was hurting himself, what drugs he was using this time. He wondered exactly how much more of this the two of them could handle before they reached the breaking point.


	23. Chapter 23

He wasn't sure what he had expected to see when he walked into Murdoc's room. The stereo was still playing except the volume was lower now, the Satanist was lying on the bed grinning like an idiot, and his eyes were closed. 2D walked over to the bed and sat down next to the green skinned man; Murdoc opened his eyes and looked up at the younger man. He reached a hand up his fingers going through 2D's spiked hair before he dropped his hand back down to the bed and laughed.

"Thought I told ya not to come in 'ere anymore."

He moved so his head was resting on the younger man's lap.

"Yeah I know, but yew have been locked up in 'ere most of the day. T'ought that I would check on yew, wot did yew take this time?"

He hated how casually they treated this, almost like it was normal. This is how it went back before the band started, back when 2D was still recovering from his second car accident and trying to coax his girlfriend into seeing him again. Murdoc spent most of his time stoned as hell, sometimes he would be pissed, and others he would be overly happy while he was completely out of his head. That was then though, that was when he barely knew anything about the Satanist other than he wasn't sure if he really liked him or not. Now was different, things had changed, and he wished he could get him to see this wasn't helping his problems.

"Oh I don' know jus' some pills I got from some bloke in a pub awhile back."

He leaned over the side of the bed retrieving a small plastic bag that contained small purple capsules. 2D took the bag from him and looked at the brightly colored pills; he didn't have the slightest clue what they could be.

"They are really fuckin' good ya know; like firs' hour ya take them kinda start seeing things then after that jus' feel really happy." He said smiling lazily.

"Can I take some of t'em then?" 2D asked as he continued looking at the bag.

Murdoc grabbed the bag away from him and stuffed it into the pocket of his jeans.

"No, no way I don' need yew all strung out an' stuff."

2D sighed heavily and leaned back against the wall.

"So, if yew can do t'is stuff then why can't I?"

"Because yew got cleaned up an' yer better than that."

"Right so yew aren' better than this?"

The older man held his hand out, 2D took it giving his hand a light squeeze.

"Ya already know t'e answer to that one…I need this stuff"

"I used to do all the drugs yew would do, I don' see why now is different."

It wasn't like he really wanted to spend all of his time stoned out of his mind. Hell he didn't even over do it on his migraine medications anymore. Maybe if he spent his time being as wasted as Murdoc then maybe all of this would suck less, he wouldn't notice all of their problems. He was running out of ways to be able to handle this, he really wished the two of them had normal lives.

"Yeah that is my fuckin' fault, should have never let yew do all of t'at stuff. Ya stopped though an' that's good, yew don' need this shit…No reason to do it an' I'll kick yer ass if I see yew stoned or something like that."

He wanted to give a smart reply, but he didn't feel like it. Instead he sat combing his fingers through the other man's shaggy black hair. He kept trying to find ways to get through this, but it was hard when Murdoc was judging himself so heavily. Especially when he thought that the drugs were helping him, they seemed to take him away from his memories, when he took the uppers anyways. Most times they made him angry or depressive, he would go on talking about how worthless he was, or how he couldn't take this anymore. Most times everything just got worse than it already was, it killed him seeing him this way. His boyfriend had always taken the rock star life style to the fullest degree even before he was a musician he did these things to himself just to numb pain he couldn't deal with. 2D could understand it; everybody had their fixes for what they couldn't deal with. When he was younger he would drink excessively and do drugs that he was scared to try just in hopes he could impress the bassist. Sometimes it would work, other times Murdoc would just laugh at him for being so stupid.

"Right, I wouldn't want to be like yew." The blue haired man said his voice bitter.

The older man continued staring off; 2D sighed and got up from the bed. He left the room making sure to close the door behind him; he went into the living room and sat down on the couch. A moment later his phone began ringing, he looked at the screen to see that Noodle was calling him. He considered not answering, but then he realized she was probably calling to say he could have the car back.

"Hey"

"Hi 2D, I got my car back so you can have Stylo back."

"Thanks luv, I'll drop by in a few minutes."

"You don't have to, I can bring it over."

"No I need out of the house, I'll see yew in a bit."

"Oh…Okay, bye Toochi."

He needed out of the house, the longer he was here the more of his sanity he seemed to lose. He pulled his shoes on then headed out the door, he wasn't even going to tell Murdoc he was leaving. Most likely it'd be another hour until he sobered up and by then he'd either start drinking or he would take something else to keep himself out of his mind. 2D wondered exactly what he was doing; at first it was just pain killers, then the cocaine, a wider variety of pills, probably weed, and other things he really didn't want to think about. He could guess the places the bassist would keep his stashes, the places he had always hidden his drugs where he thought nobody could find. 2D could always find them though and at some point he would want to.

Getting a cab didn't take as long as it usually did; it wasn't like he really wanted to go see his friends. He just wanted out, to be around other people he could talk to. Maybe he should have just continued living with his friends, and then he would have the help that he needed. He couldn't do it though, it had driven him insane how they had treated him like a little kid half of the time. They always feared he would get hurt when he would go to Kong to look around for the Satanist. They were still worrying about him, they always worried about him. They were all like a family, but sometimes he just wanted to escape everybody and be alone. He hated the feeling; part of him wanted to surround himself with his friends, but the other part wanted to shove them all far away from him.

He needed to talk to somebody about what was going on. Most likely he would tell Noodle, he knew he could talk to Russel about this, but he didn't want to. He loved the drummer like crazy, but sometimes he felt like the larger man was annoyed by him and his stupid decisions. Almost like 2D wasn't smart enough to do the right thing or realize what was going on. Maybe he wasn't smart enough, he knew what was happening, and yet he continued living in some form of denial. He would pretend that this was normal, because it had been going on for several long months now. It was becoming the normal for them, he was beginning to get accustomed to seeing Murdoc in his room stoned, or lying on the couch piss drunk. Seeing him sober was almost shocking, every day he had to be intoxicated in some way; he could never just be sober. He wanted to take it personal; he wanted to be offended by the Satanist not even trying to be sober around him. He felt it had to do with him to some extent, he knew it was selfish to think that way. None of this had to do with him, this was Murdoc's problem, and if anything he was only making it worse by being around him.

He wondered if what the older man had said was true; that no matter what he did or said 2D would never leave. He told himself constantly that he would leave, that he didn't know how to handle this anymore, and even voiced it out loud. When he thought about it though he knew Murdoc was right, he would never leave. He loved him too much, he dedicated too much of his life to caring for him to just get up and leave him. He couldn't imagine living without him, dating somebody else, or finding another person who looked at him like he was normal. In a way they had always clung onto one another; they didn't look normal and there was no pretending other wise. They spent their lives being under dogs and treated differently for things they had no control over. They only really had each other and now they were losing that, the thought scared him. It scared him that he couldn't exist without somebody else, it scared him that somebody couldn't exist without him….Murdoc wasn't even existing with him around, he wasn't trying to live or get better. For awhile he had tried to get back to normal, but something happened and all of that fell apart. He retreated into the darkness, gave into the nightmares, and now he was putting new demons inside of him. He was clinging onto the bad and pushing 2D away; it was driving the both of them insane.

The cab came to a stop; 2D paid the man, and then got out of the car. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looked up at the house that seemed to loom over him, judging him. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he walked up to the front door. He knocked timidly on the door almost hoping that nobody would answer, he would just turn away, and walk back home. He felt the slight panic rise inside of him when the door opened; Noodle stood there looking at him, regarding him, she stepped aside allowing him inside. He followed the guitarist into the living room; he sat down on the rec couch, and looked around the spacious looking room. It looked a lot better than his place, but then again he had never been one to really clean up any place he stayed.

"What's going on?" The purple haired girl asked, she sat down on a recliner across from him.

"Do yew wan' the truth or for me to just say I'm a'right?"

"2D tell me what's wrong."

"Everyfink; just I don't' know wot to do anymore. Everfink is getting so bad Murdoc spends most of his time stoned or drunk, and then we fight almost constantly." He looked down and ran his fingers back through his hair.

"How long has he been doing drugs?"

"Fuck, I don't know for awhile now…A few months I guess, it started wit' pain killers, but now he's doing a lot of other stuff an'…I-I think he might be doing heroin too, but I'm not sure."

He could feel the anxiety rising inside of him; if he was alone he would be crying.

"What about the fighting?"

"It's usually over t'e drugs or just…Anyfink really, we start yelling at each other, and then he'll punch me or just…It gets really bad, but after a few hours when he's sober he apologizes. He tells me t'at he didn' mean it, that it was because of the drugs or the whiskey."

"Damn it why didn't you tell me or Russel about this?" Noodle asked sounding irritated.

2D looked up and could see how visibly upset the young girl was, he felt guilty.

"I'm sorry; I just figured yew guys didn't need to be involved with this."

"Why would you think that?"

"This isn't yer problem, yew guys don' need to know about it." He snapped back.

"2D you two are like family to me, why wouldn't it be any of my business? I have the right to know these kinds of things, we could have helped you…We could still help you."

"I'm sorry, okay? It isn' like yew could help, how could yew help?"

"A psychologist or maybe rehab…"

"No I'm not doin' that, we already went over this…Those fings won' work, not like he would exactly go anyways. He'd have to lie too much about wot really happened and why he is the way he is, they would just give him more pills that he doesn' fucking need, and…Just no it isn' an option."

"Sorry, you're right; is there anything we can do to help you?"

2D looked away and shook his head smiling sadly.

"Not really, nofink I can fink of anyways….I'll call yew if I come up with somefink or maybe if….I'll just call yew, I should probably go now anyways."

He stood up from the couch and took the car key from Noodle; he thought that she would say something to him. That maybe Russel would come downstairs and offer some suggestions that he would turn away or just block out completely. Nothing was said though, he left the house, and went back into the brightly lit outside world. He got into the beat up car that Murdoc cherished like it was made of gold and started on his way back home.


	24. Chapter 24

He initially meant to go straight home, but he just drove right past. If there was even a chance that Murdoc was sober he was either stoned on something else or drinking by now just to get rid of the feeling. Sometimes 2D couldn't understand the reasons for his binge drinking or his excessive drug use; he knew a lot of it had to do with Hell, some of it even had to do with 2D's death all of those years ago, but there were other reasons and he really couldn't figure them out. He could ask, depending on the mood of the older man and the drugs he was on he could ask and get a real answer. He knew this; Murdoc would tell him anything he wanted to know especially in his moods where all he wanted was to hurt the vocalist. He could get the answers, but he was scared of what they would be. He didn't want to hear Murdoc threaten to leave him again, hell it wasn't even a threat…It was like a promise; nothing the younger man did wrong though.

Their relationship started as a small contained fire and now it was this uncontrolled forest fire feeding off of their pain and their darkest emotions. Every second it grew stronger and caused more and more damage, every day they got burned. No matter what they did or said they couldn't stop it or make it burn less, they could only stand there while it burned them alive. 2D could only stand there watching the man he loved more than his own life rot away to nothing.

He felt the muscles in his stomach tighten, he felt nauseous as he thought about it. His mind never stopped, sometimes the temptation to over do it on his pain killers like he used to was very strong. He just wanted an escape; why did Murdoc get one?

Why did 2D have to be the sober one who had to try and pick up the pieces?

He was so tired of this, he just wanted to let go for once. Every night they actually had each other felt like the last night on Earth. When he would drift off to sleep with his boyfriend in his arms he felt this pang of fear that when he woke up Murdoc would be gone, no good bye, or explanation; he would just disappear. The thought scared him, everything scared him anymore. He knew maybe to some extent Noodle or Russel could help him, he felt bad for leaving them out of this. They really were a second family to him, they loved him, and they cared about Murdoc. If he tried to talk to his mother about this she would only get anxious about her son being with somebody so mentally unstable. She would never be able to understand what Murdoc was going through; that he was this way all because he had to bring 2D back to life. If he hadn't died then none of this would be happening things would be okay again.

Once again he passed by his house; this time he slowed to a near stop as he looked at it. He considered just going inside, leaving his thoughts behind, and dealing with what waited behind the front door. 2D wondered if the bassist even noticed that he had left, he was probably still in his room high as fuck. He couldn't stand seeing him that way and he couldn't stand it that seeing him happy and stoned was the closest he could get him to actually happy. When he was sober he would give the effort to fake a smile or pretend he was really there mentally, but 2D knew it was all a façade. Their line of communication had died awhile ago; every conversation turned into a fight or somebody crying. Most things that 2D said he ended up taking back and wishing he hadn't said no matter how much it needed to be said. The bassist would take things back sometimes, but he could tell he had really meant those things. He knew to some extent Murdoc thought he was an idiot, found him to be pathetic, and irritating. That he really did just wish 2D would leave him alone and let him drown in his miseries.

It wasn't in his nature though; he couldn't just leave him this way. He couldn't leave him, never; that was the thing about love that the Satanist didn't understand. No matter how badly you hurt each other you still needed each other, especially when you both knew full and well that you couldn't exist in the world alone.

Maybe he could just sleep in the car for the night, go to some empty lot and stay there for a bit. This was getting ridiculous; he could handle Murdoc beating him up, but seeing the state he was almost always in, that he couldn't handle.

2D pulled into the parking lot of the nearest liquor store; he looked up at the bright neon sign in the window signaling the shop was open. He sat there with the engine running for a bit, this was a stupid idea. He wasn't supposed to be the one even considering this, he was supposed to be the strong one, and the stable one….God he was so sick of being the protector especially when he was failing at that job.

He killed the engine and got out of the car; he entered the store and grabbed a couple of bottles of whiskey from a shelf then went to the counter to pay. In the back of his mind a voice told him that this was stupid, that he was better than this. He ignored it; if he couldn't do drugs or run away then this was the only option he really had. He wanted far away from all of this; nothing felt like reality. He felt like he was living in some nightmare, the times that were nice and peaceful were dreams. When he felt happy and safe there was always this dread inside of him telling him to just wait because soon enough it would be over and everything would go back to pain and hate.

He left the shop and got back inside of his car, he moved it to the back part of the lot in the shade where he was less likely to be spotted. He opened up one of the bottles and began drinking it like water, he didn't even mind the intense burning as it went down his throat burning all the way to his stomach. He'd feel like total shit when the alcohol faded, but right now he wanted that burn and that feeling of not really being here. He held the bottle tightly in his hand and kicked his feet up on the dashboard; he looked out the front windscreen, he watched a few birds that were pecking around the pavement eating at pieces of candy and string. He hated everything got to this point, would this relationship have been healthy in any other situation?

If he hadn't died then they most likely would have went back to Kong and had drunken sex inside of the Winnie. The following morning Murdoc probably would have kicked him out, they wouldn't have talked much, and most likely they would have sex again. It would be a pattern; Murdoc would get drunk, beat him, and then fuck him.

Somehow that option seemed better, at least in that option nobody would have died. He hated thinking this was his fault, but it really was. He never should have kissed him or told him he was in love with him, he should have been more careful in the alleyway, or maybe just let things happen the way they were meant to.

That thought scared him; he took another long drink from the bottle then leaned his head back against the cold glass of the window.

"Just stop, yew never used to fink before…Fuck, why now?" He asked himself angrily.

He hated his mind; he hated the places that it was going. His body was beginning to feel numb; he smiled softly and closed his eyes. He took another drink from the bottle and made himself relax, he just wanted to forget. He would stay here for a little while and then he would go back home, go back to his drugged up boyfriend, and whatever fight waited him there. Until then he just wanted to be completely numb and dead to the world as long as he could do that for.


	25. Chapter 25

He hadn't the slightest clue as to how he made it back home without wrecking or getting pulled over. When he entered the house was quiet, dark, and completely vacant; he felt relieved that at least for right now he was alone. It was nearly one in the morning now; most likely in a few more minutes Murdoc would come back, and most likely he would be drunk. Most likely he would have more drugs; more drugs to kill himself with. 2D didn't want to be angry, but it was the only thing that he could do, the only thing that he could feel. His drunken state wasn't helping the problems in his life; it wasn't making his relationship get better, or making himself feel less depressed. It only fueled those fires, it made him weak, and he didn't want to take the blame for this.

He unsteadily made his way down the hallway and into the Satanist bedroom. He began going through drawers looking for the things he knew to be there. It only took four minutes at the longest for him to find five orange bottles of prescription pills in the top dresser drawer. He took the bottles into the bathroom; he popped the lids off of the bottles and began dumping the contents into the toilet bowel. He smiled to himself as he watched the different colored pills swirl around then disappear; he went back to Murdoc's room in search of the rest. Mostly he found prescriptions, some weed, speed, and some cocaine that from the looks of it the older man had been in it before leaving. Everything that he found he flushed; it didn't solve anything, but somehow it felt like he was solving all of his problems.

The last thing that he found was a black metal box far under his bed; he took his flick knife out of his pocket, and picked at the lock until it broke open. He took the box into the bathroom and began searching through it; more weed, more cocaine, some Prozac, and then the things he had actually hoped he would never have to find. He picked up the syringe and the rope and looked over them, he felt dizzy, and angrier than he had been minutes before.

"Wot the fucking hell are yew doing?"

2D turned around to see Murdoc standing in the doorway glaring at him, his body tense with rage. The blue haired man held the syringe out for him to see.

"Wot the fuck do yew fink t'at I'm doing, I'm getting rid of yer stash."

"Yew fucking moron, do yew even know how much that cost?" He asked as he moved into the room getting closer to the singer.

2D reached into the box grabbing up a bag of pills and threw them into the toilet, he turned his attention back to the bassist and grinned down at him.

"I don't care, tell me wot this is." He said gesturing to the remaining contents in the box.

"LSD, that's all it fucking is." Murdoc mumbled looking away.

"Don't fucking lie to me." 2D yelled angrily.

The older man snarled, he grabbed the vocalist by the front of his shirt and jerked him forward.

"Look here yew worthless little cunt; that is my property, just like yer my fucking property. Wot I do is my fuckin' business an' I really don' want yew going through my things."

2D struggled and tried to get away from him; he placed his hands against Murdoc's chest and shoved him away. The older man stumbled backwards his back hitting against the wall.

"I don't fucking belong to yew, I never fucking belonged to yew. I'm not a thing; yew told me that yew weren't doing this kind of shit."

"Then I guess I lied, didn't I?" He asked smirking up at the younger man.

"I can't believe yew."

"Yew haven't believed me for a long time dullard, why start now? I just lie to yew; I lie all the god damn time. Hell maybe I did fucking cheat on yew once or twice, money doesn't always buy drugs ya know."

2D tightened his grip on the syringe; he threw it at the Satanist.

"Fuck yew, I fucking hate yew…Take yer heroin an' yer fucking…I fucking hate wotever yew have become, just….Jus' fuck yew Mu'doc, I don' care anymore."

He started to leave the room, but as he began to pass the green skinned man he felt a hand wrap around his arm gripping tightly. Murdoc pulled him back into the room and slammed him hard against the wall the back of his head knocking hard enough to jar his body. Murdoc wrapped a hand around his throat his jagged nails digging into his skin as he gripped harder; he pressed his body against 2D's keeping him there, completely still. He looked into the shorter man's brown blood shot eyes, the rage, and the hate; there was nobody he knew in there.

"Look here yew little fucker yew aren' going anywhere. Yew don' have any right to judge me, yew don' have a fucking clue wot I've been through. Yew don' even know who I am, yew think that I'm somebody; that I'm something more than a creature. I'm fucking nothing to yew, there isn't anything to fix here an' I'm sick of yew fucking trying. If I just let yew go then yer gonna run, but yew will come back and forgive me because yer just that fucking stupid and pathetic."

"No I won't, I hate yew."

Murdoc laughed and loosened his grip on his throat. A second later he smacked 2D hard across the face his nails cutting into his cheek.

"Stupid cunt." He muttered as he continued staring down the singer.

He moved his hand from his throat to his hair gripping tightly; he pulled 2D away from the wall, the vocalist cried out in pain. Murdoc threw him down onto the tiled floor, he let out another pained cry as his back and head collided with the floor. When he tried to sit up Murdoc kicked him in the stomach knocking him back down, he wrapped an arm around himself cradling his sore body. Murdoc kicked him in the arm, and then kicked him over and over while cursing under his breath. He reached down grabbing hold of his arm and jerking him roughly, 2D felt a sharp burning pain go through his arm. The older man got down and sat straddling his lap; the blue haired man reached out trying to push him away. He cried and pleaded wishing he could just get away, but his body hurt too badly, and Murdoc's knees were digging into his ribs to the point he thought they would break.

"Stop it!"

"No, I won' fucking stop until yew learn how stupid it is to be with me, to love me, and think yew could possibly fix this. Yew can' fucking fix this; I don' fucking need yew. I-I, I don' fucking need yew, I don' fucking need anybody."

Tears rolled down 2D's cheeks; there wasn't any hate or rage left inside of him. His body went limp as he gave up on fighting back, every part of him burned with intense white hot pain. He stared up at the man sitting on him, the one that no matter what he loved; God he wanted to hate him right now. He wanted to mean it when he yelled that he hated him, but he couldn't no matter how hard he tried. When he looked into Murdoc's eyes all he could see was that hatred and that fear, it was always because of fear. He did all of this because he was scared of living, he was scared of letting somebody in, and he would do everything he could to just make 2D stop trying.

"I love yew" 2D whispered his voice weak and choked.

For a moment he saw that recognition in his features, that realization of what he was doing. As fast as it appeared it went away, a moment later Murdoc was bashing the singer's head hard against the floor until he finally blacked out from the burning pain surging through his skull. He thought he could feel blood, but he wasn't sure. He knew he couldn't be dying again, but what the hell did he know?

His body felt completely relaxed even though every muscle felt as if it were on fire. He could just barely feel Murdoc's fingers on his cheek, he could hear him talking, but could barely make out his words.

"Wake up….Shi….Wake up, 2D….Fuck"

He tried to move or make a sound, but all he could manage was to loll his head to the side and whimper softly.

"No, don'….No…No….I'm sorry, fuck….I'm…I'm going….I'm sorry…"

For a moment he thought he moved his hand, but he wasn't sure. He wanted to at least open his eyes, to look at Murdoc for a second or two. It hurt so badly, God everything hurt so terribly. The next thing he knew he was completely out, everything was darkness, and quiet. This wasn't death, no this was just the unconsciousness that he was quite used to, and he would wake up again.


	26. Chapter 26

2D was lulled awake by the soft beeping of machines and a stinging pain in the back of his head. He cringed at the pain, he flexed his fingers they felt stiff.

"Mu-Murdoc?" He asked his voice soft, scared.

He felt a hand over his, he felt relief flutter in his chest at the thought that the hand belonged to his boyfriend. He opened his eyes and turned his head expecting to see a pair of brown eyes, but instead he saw Noodle's bright and worried green eyes on him.

"Where's Murdoc?" He asked feeling worried.

He looked around the hospital room; he hated them so much. The walls were painted a pale pastel pink, a few paintings of flowers hung on the walls, and a TV hung from the wall a news station broadcasting some wreck somewhere. He turned his attention back to the purple haired girl and the intense look of worry on her pretty face.

"Do you remember what happened?" She asked sounding calm despite the look on her face.

The singer took a moment to think back; he remembered getting drunk, going home, finding Murdoc's drugs and flushing them. He remembered the heroin, the fight, the God awful things they had yelled at one another…The things Murdoc had said to him, the cheating, the drugs, and the hatred.

"Yeah….Yeah, I do" He whispered feeling the sadness over whelm him.

Noodle gave his hand a light squeeze. He looked down to see a cast on his other arm, the one Murdoc had kicked repeatedly then jerked roughly.

"He beat you up really badly." A male voice said.

2D looked up to see Russel sitting at the end of the bed his eyes scanning over the blue haired man's current condition.

"My head hurts"

"You had to get stitches; he almost cracked your skull." The drummer said, the tone of his voice sounded disgusted and somewhat shocked.

He wondered when they would start chastising him, telling him it was idiotic to keep these things from them. That it wasn't safe to be with somebody like the bassist, that he was lucky he didn't end up dead.

"How did I get here?"

Noodle looked at Russel then back at the confused and depressed pianist.

"Murdoc called me after he hurt you, he sounded very scared. He told me that you were very hurt and he was worried that maybe you would die, I didn't understand all of what he said…I believe he was crying." She looked away.

2D could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the burning in the back of his head increased. Tears slowly rolled down his cheeks.

"Where is he, why didn't he bring me here?"

"He didn't want to; he said if he did that then he would have stayed here with you."

"B-but I want him here, I wanna see him…Wh-where is he at now, is he okay?"

It scared him how he was so concerned over the man who put him here, he worried about his well being more than his own. He was in a hospital because of what Murdoc did to him; he could have died because of his rage fuelled by his stupid drug addiction. He remembered the last words he had heard before blacking out; Murdoc saying that he was sorry, he had sounded so scared. 2D wanted to hate him, wanted to run from him and hide, but he knew somewhere in there was the same person he loved…The one who he died for, the one who used to hold him when he would cry, and the one who went to Hell just for him.

"I don't know where he is Toochi…"

"Probably off somewhere stoned." Russel snapped angrily.

"Russel" Noodle hissed shooting a look in the larger man's direction.

The blue haired man lowered his eyes, why was he in love with somebody like that?

"He wanted me to tell you something when you finally woke up."

He didn't even bother looking at her, his head was hurting, and he felt like this couldn't be real.

"He said that he's very sorry for everything he has put you through since he came back from Hell. He said that he loves you, a lot, but he doesn't want to hurt you again. He can't control what he does anymore, he just blacks out, and he doesn't think it's ever going to get better….He said that he's going to leave without a goodbye so it's easier on the both of you….I'm sorry 2D."

More tears fell from his black eyes, he was gone. Murdoc was gone, he actually left; he had said numerous times that he would leave for 2D's sake, but soon afterwards the vocalist would make him promise to never leave. The moments when the Satanist was vulnerable when he needed 2D to hold him and tell him he would never have to be alone. It was all just a lie, because in the end he left and now they were both alone. Yes 2D had his friends, but he wanted Murdoc; he wanted his boyfriend…He had said he would never leave, but he did just that. He cried harder as he thought about it, he wanted to curl up in a ball, but his body hurt too badly to move that much. His chest and back began to ache as he lay there crying, sobbing. He hoped that if he cried hard enough that maybe it would bring him back that he would walk through the door and apologize for everything. That he would say he was going to rehab, that he was finally getting the help he so desperately needed, and he was going to work on their relationship.

"H-he can't be gone, I need him."

"2D he beat you up, he put you in the damned hospital; it's bad enough you waited last minute to tell us this shit, but now you're upset that he left you? I can't fucking believe you man, snap out of it he fucking abused you. I don't' even think he gives a damn about you."

"Russel be quiet, this is not the time to say such things."

"Just shut up, both of you…I-I want to be alone, wh-where's my phone?"

"2D I don't th-"

"I don't care wot yew fink, give me my phone."

The guitarist sighed; she pulled the cell phone out of her pocket and handed it to him. She stood up from her chair and patted him on the shoulder before turning and leaving the room with Russel right behind her. Once he was sure they were gone he went to his contacts and found the Satanist number and hit talk. He held his breath as he listened to the phone ring; he waited for that familiar scratchy voice to sound from the other end. Five rings later and it went to voice mail, he considered leaving a message, but when he opened his mouth to say something all that came out was a choked sob. He ended the call and tossed the phone to the edge of the hospital bed.

He couldn't believe this, maybe he would come back….he had to come back, they needed each other. He didn't care how unhealthy their relationship was he didn't know what to do without him. He hated that his friends couldn't understand this, they couldn't understand that Murdoc wasn't abusive. They couldn't see that he was only behaving this way because of all the Hell he had been through and the drugs that were currently controlling his mind. He didn't mean it….2D hoped he didn't mean it, he wanted so badly to believe that the bassist was in love with him. That he brought him back from the grave because he realized how much he cared for him, that his affection towards him wasn't just a charade. Over the past months that faith and belief started to crumble and collapse on top of him making it difficult to breathe. Like when he actually believed him when Murdoc said that he never cheated on him, that was a lie….It made him feel sick, everything made him feel sick. He just wanted to find out this was a horrible nightmare, this wasn't his reality. Yeah, this was just a nightmare; he would wake up in Murdoc's bed back at Kong and Murdoc would be lying next to him his arms wrapped around his waist just like the old times. The times when everything was alright when he had barely any doubt in his mind that the Satanist was in love with him. He closed his eyes tightly wishing that he could make it come true, when he opened them again he was still in the hospital; still in the same dull colored room with its chemical fumes and annoying beeping sounds that did nothing for the pain coursing through his skull.

He didn't care how much his body ached; he pulled his legs up against himself and wrapped an arm around them, he buried his face hiding himself away from the world. His breathing was ragged and his sobbing was the only other sound in the room next to the beeping of machines sadly informing him that he was still very much alive.


	27. Chapter 27

He only had to stay at the hospital for two days before finally being discharged. His friends had tried to talk him into going with them and staying there for awhile, he knew they were worried about him, and his state of mind. When they would talk to him or visit him the day before he was released from the hospital he had been distant and beyond depressive. He hadn't slept much; sometimes he would sleep for a few minutes or an hour if he allowed himself. When he arrived home to find it empty almost like nobody had ever lived there before it was like a dagger going through his heart. He had gone through every room in the house saving Murdoc's room for last. He didn't know why he expected anything other than the nothing that he found; when he arrived at the bassist room it was completely empty. Most of his clothes were gone, his bass, his records, and the black metal box.

After realizing just how alone he really was he had gone to his room and lay down on his bed. Every little sound, every car that passed by, or voice he heard outside of his window he would jump in response expecting his boyfriend to come home….He spent days expecting; he spent a whole week expecting him to come back. He would wait; he rarely ever left his house, because he refused to believe Murdoc was actually gone. He had tried calling him quite a few times, sometimes sending text messages; the messages never said much just asking where in hell he was and if everything was okay. He didn't think he could actually fit all of the pain and the slowly but surely growing hatred he was feeling towards Murdoc into a message. He loved him; he would always love him until the world ended, but at the same time he couldn't help the bitter feeling taking him over.

His friends worried for him, worried that he would attempt to take his own life, or that he would begin doing drugs like Murdoc had. They checked on him frequently, once or twice he had snapped at them, insulted them, and made them feel so bad they would just turn around and leave him be. He felt bad for the things he would say to them, but he wanted to be left alone, if they knew anything about him then they would know that he would never take his own life or do drugs. Murdoc had worked too hard to bring him back to life, why would he ruin what he worked so hard for?

That was probably one of the things that hurt the most for him; the Satanist had suffered five months, he promised his soul to a demon all so he could bring 2D back. All so he could hold him, tell him how much he loved him, and how much he needed him…All of that just so that in five years he could go to Hell, then not long after coming back from Hell he would leave again. Not because of demons this time, but because he didn't want to be around 2D anymore. He didn't trust himself or maybe he just said that to say it, some days he wanted to believe the nice things Murdoc would say. He wanted to believe him every time that he said he was sorry, when he had promised to not leave, and when he would tell the singer every thing he would do just for him….all for him.

Most times especially lately he didn't believe those things anymore, it didn't make him love Murdoc less, but it killed his trust…Why trust somebody who could bash your head against a floor until your skull nearly cracked open and then they couldn't even take you to the hospital? They had to call their friends, he had to leave a message with their guitarist that he just couldn't do this anymore….Do what, pretend that he was getting better, pretend that he actually loved 2D?

Every thought he had caused his head to ache, days like today he just let it hurt. It would get to the point that the pain was severe and burning; he touched the stitches on the back of his head, in another week they would be coming out. He glanced down at his broken arm and more tears fell from his tired eyes, he looked at the front door then at the half empty bottle of vodka on the coffee table before him. He picked the bottle up and threw it across the room; it hit the wall breaking on impact. He watched as the glass fell to the floor almost like razor sharp rain drops.

He wondered where Murdoc was right now, some part of him feared he wasn't even alive. He didn't know why he thought that way or exactly how he meant it when he thought about it. He wasn't sure if maybe he was murdered, over dosed on drugs, or took his own life…Some part of him did wonder if he was dead, sometimes he would think so deeply into that, that he couldn't even cry. That scared him a lot that he couldn't cry over the idea of the love of his life being dead. It was funny how when he first met Murdoc he kind of hated him; he hated his attitude towards women, how he treated 2D, and every other living thing in the world. When the band formed he hated him less, but it was still there. When he fell in love with him he had enough hate for the both of them, mostly for himself for loving somebody who didn't even view him as a human being. It was strange for him to think that the man he was with for five years was the same one who used to beat him, break his bones, and strangle him. The same man who hit him with his car, twice, and the same one who took away every woman he ever loved. Maybe nothing had really changed at all; maybe he just acted nicely and thought he was in love for those five years because 2D's death shook him up so badly. He could have just been in shock and couldn't tell the difference between his guilt and the actual feeling of love.

He could have finally figured it out, but didn't want to admit it to himself or 2D. He could be angry with him for the cruel things he had said, but they both had said things. He wished he had clung onto the good moments more tightly, burned them more deeply into his brain so maybe they could over power the bad ones.

God he was so tired of being alone; he missed the sound of Black Sabbath records playing in the back of the house, the knowledge that Murdoc was there. He didn't even care what he was doing or what mood he was in he just needed him there. If he came back 2D knew he would work harder, he would be less self centered, and he would try his hardest to get the Satanist the help that he needed. He wouldn't just give up on him and worry about his own damn problems; he felt so fucking guilty. He hated himself, he hated Murdoc, he hated his friends, and the drugs that ruined their lives.

He buried his face in his hands his body shuddered as another sharp pain shot through him. Everything hurt; breathing, blinking, and touching his face. He knew he should take some of his pills, take the whole damn bottle even….He didn't want to though, he needed this pain to keep him rooted to reality. Too many times he had woken up whispering the Satanist name, expecting to feel those long fingers to go through his hair, and to feel the older man's bod pressed against him. Every single time he had woken up alone, cold, and bitter feeling.

Just a week without Murdoc in his life and he was losing his mind. Soon enough this week would turn into two, the weeks would turn into months, and eventually years….Maybe in time he would forget, he would care less, it would hurt less, and maybe some day he wouldn't love him at all.


End file.
